The Holidays were always Stressful

Chappy had always promised Min that he would be home for Christmas, no matter what and she expected him to keep that promise.  In 1996, Christmas fell on a Tuesday. Neither of  us had Monday off nor did we have vacation time to take that day off.  Every year we took two weeks at Thanksgiving.  It was the only time of the year that we spent two solid weeks together under the same roof. So we were not going to be able to go to Michigan for one day and return to go to work.

We realized in early 1996 that the holiday was going to bring grief to Min.  Chappy broke the news to her that we would not be able to make it home for Christmas Day.  She suggested Chappy tell his boss that he'd made this promise and he needed the time off.  He replied that business doesn't work that way, so she wanted the phone number of Forrest, who ran the company, she'd tell him her Chappy needed to come home for Christmas and she was sure he'd understand.

Inside I was rolling in laughter.  Could you imagine his Momma calling his southern boss to tell him her Chappy needed to come home for the holidays because he promised he always would. 

I suggested we have the holidays at our  home in Fishers, but Min was not buying into that.  The holidays were always spent in Westphalia.  Sissy was still teaching so she had the holidays off, but Min was not going to budge.  I realized the reason was because it wouldn't be her show in my home.

I sat down with her and explained that it was just going to be too difficult to make it home that year, but "how about you move the holiday for one year to Fishers.  You can run the show.  I won't get in your way.  All I ask of you is to let me set the table."  

I loved Christmas and I went all  out for it, but since marrying Chappy, we didn't decorate for the holidays as they were spent at Min's.  She thought about it and she wanted to be sure that she had full control of every thing.  She wanted to prepare the menu, cook, bake, knock herself out.  I assured her the show was hers.  I'd decorate a tree and set the table. That was the deal.

Min always prided herself on her holiday table.  It did look very nice, but she had never seen my holiday table. I had Nikko Christmas dishes that I had gotten through a gift book from Hudson's years before.   I had matching gold flatware with an enameled holly leaf design on the handle.  I had matching glasses and years before, I had sewn a beautiful table cloth and napkins to match the dinner ware.  I had hand made a holiday centerpiece and each place setting had little treats my guests.

Min was in awe of my  table.  She had to have pictures to show back home the table that we had our Christmas dinner at.  She had a lovely meal, as she always did and we opened presents.

Chappy and I had purchased a real tree that year and placed in it the living room that we never used. There was white carpet in this room and Chappy failed to protect it when he put the tree up.  I wanted to start a new tradition that year. I knew every one was disappointed that Christmas was not at Min's, so I wanted it to be extra special for that one year.

I purchased large Christmas stockings.  They were at least four feet long and I decorated each with the name and personalized it to the person.  I filled them with gifts of all sizes that were unique to each individual.  Before we started to open presents, I presented the stockings to every one and introduced my idea for future Christmas's.  Min was the first to mention that they never did stockings.  They were just a waste of time and money.

We started with Min.  Each person had to open up the gifts in their stocking as others watched.  The things I put in these stockings were unbelievable. The stocking was huge, so many things could fit in there. Min actually enjoyed the gifts, she kept digging in her stocking and the deeper she dug, the more she'd find.  Every one loved the idea and it became a tradition that every one looked forward to.

Santa Cindy

It was time to pass out the gifts and I had one more surprise, I went into the bedroom and reappeared in my Santa suit to hand out the gifts. But first, Min had a Christmas tradition that she always referred to as "five minutes of happiness."  She presented her children with this gift every year as she said she got to see them happy for five minutes and it was worth every second.

This was also the first Christmas that Sissy was separated from Wes. Min presented this "gift" in previous years to us as couples, but this year, she didn't.  It was our fifth Christmas as  a couple and she had set a pattern by offering it to both of us.  This year she handed one envelope to Chappy and one envelope to Sissy.  I knew what was inside, it was always the same thing.  A check, made payable to both of us for any where from one thousand dollars to one year, five thousand dollars.  But that year, the envelope was handed to Chappy, not us, and the check was payable only to Chappy, not us.  

I didn't care about the money.  I was hurt that she excluded me from not only putting my name on the envelope, but excluding it from the check.  It was a slap in the face.  I figured because Wes was not there, she did this, as Sissy and Chappy always compared what was inside the envelope without revealing to the other what was really there. Sissy would say, she got a thousand dollar check and the deed to the homestead, Chappy would respond with he got a check for one thousand and one dollars and the stock portfolio. It was all in fun, but this year, it was obvious that I'd been neglected.

I usually don't let things like this bother me, but it had been a year of Min slapping me in the face and I was tired of Chappy not standing up to her. This was the year that I suffered from depression and she was less than supportive over it.

We were getting ready to  go to midnight Mass and at the last minute I wasn't feeling the love of sharing this with the Schafer's. I backed out at the last minute.  I asked Chappy if he minded if I stayed home and he didn't have a problem with it. They all piled in the car and took off.  I needed time to myself to recover from being the outsider.  I tried very hard to fit in to this mold that Min wanted me to be, but I am a strong independent thinker, like she was.  I didn't appreciate her  silent dig.

When they left to go home a few days later, Chappy wondered why I had been so quiet.  I told him about the check and how much it bothered me.  He had noticed it as well, but didn't think any thing about it. He thought I was upset that my name not being on the check meant he was going "to keep it to himself." That wasn't it at all.  I knew the money would go into our savings like it did every year, but the fact that she excluded me was what hurt.

I didn't expect Chappy to say a thing to her, but he did. I don't even know what he said, but the  next year, she went out of her way to "include" me.  She presented the envelope to me with a grand presentation and said, "I know you didn't get to have your five minutes of happiness last year, so you can open the envelope this year."

I handed the envelope to Chappy.  "Min, this isn't about five minutes of happiness, this is much deeper than that.  I know who this is really for, but thank you."

Chappy opened the envelope. The check was payable to both of us, but my name was in big bold letters compared to Chappy's.  She was making a point. And to be sure I got the message, every one opened their gifts that year, in 1997, and Chappy noticed I didn't get any.  He was surprised and said, "Hey Boo, what'd you get, I didn't see."

"I didn't get any thing." I whispered to him.  Min overheard me, she was watching me carefully.  Christmas's were all about the gifts and the wrapping with her.  

"Oh, wait."  She got up from her chair and went to the closet and pulled out a bag from J C Penney's.  I had asked for a blazer.  She handed it to me, "I forgot."

It wasn't wrapped.  It was still in the bag it had been sent in the mail in.  It once again was her way of letting me know I was insignificant in her world.

To top it off, that year, 1997, we made it back home for the holidays and what did I find on Min's table, but Christmas dishes that were identical to mine, right down to the flatware. And what did she buy Sissy that year, her own set of Christmas dishes, just like mine.

Again, I  couldn't even have my own unique set of dishes.  Some might say they were jealous of what I had. I don't think that was the case at all.  Min wanted every thing I had, to include her son, all to herself.