Betrayal - A difficult pill to swallow

I had felt heartache before.  I knew it all too well.  That feeling in the pit of your stomach. The emptiness lingering within your soul.  Sheer disbelief that what stands before you is actually true. Your world becomes silent. Your mind racing as you think of all the possibilities and your heart stops, empty, every thing inside shuts down and you are void of all feelings. Nothing is felt inside, you become numb to all things around you as you process whatever had kicked you in the gut and ripped your heart out.

I sat on the couch, next to him.  He was watching television and I was speechless.  I didn't know where to begin. I didn't want to believe this.  We had been married maybe five years? I sat there remembering Killer.  Sitting in the library speechless.  Knowing what I wanted to say, but not a ounce of strength to tell him I was leaving.

He sensed some thing was wrong and reached for my  hand, the one with the fob in it and I pulled it away. "What's wrong Boo?"

I couldn't even respond.  But some where inside of me, the anger took over the emptiness and I looked at him, holding the key fob in my hand as well as the business card, "Do you want to tell me about this?"

It was his turn. He was speechless.  Not a word came out of his mouth.  I sat there for several minutes.  Nothing.  I stood up, grabbed my purse and walked out the door.  I was driving to Michigan.

I was an emotional wreck when I  pulled into Tina Marie's.  Chappy had been calling for some time asking Tina to have me call him as soon as I got there.  I guess in those four  hours he  mustered up an answer.  I would have thought being a salesman, he would have had one for me before my feet hit the floor walking away, but he didn't.

I told Tina about it. I was devastated.  Sick to my stomach, but Saturday I had to be bright eyed and bushy tailed as I had a show to do and no one would know how broken I was.

Chappy called all weekend.  Every time, the answer was the same, "She's not here."  I didn't want him to know I was sitting right there next to her, crying my eyes out.  I wanted him to wonder where I was and why I wasn't calling back.

I hated the thought of going home, but Sunday rolled around and I had to be back to work on Monday.  He continued to call and Tina covered for me.  The next time he called, I told her to tell him I was on my way home.  He knew exactly how long it took to drive that stretch of highway between Grand Ledge, Michigan and Fishers, Indiana.

I stopped in Angola, Indiana and shopped at the outlet mall. I didn't feel like shopping, but I sure didn't feel like going home.  I drove a little further and stopped in Fort Wayne and shopped more.  And then I headed home.  Seven hours from the time I left Tina's until I pulled my car into the driveway.  I sat in the car wondering what I was going to do.

I built up the courage to finally walk inside.  The emptiness returning to my soul. My heart void of emotion.  As I opened the door he stood there, so happy to see me. "Where have you been, you left Tina's seven hours ago, I've been worried."

Never before had I entered a room or the house without giving him a hug and kiss and it felt so unnatural, but I had nothing to give. He asked me to sit down, he had some thing to tell me.

First, he loved me.  Second, he had worried all weekend long that I was going to leave him and again,  how much he loved me.  He told me that he was preparing a bid for a contract with the company that Diane worked for. She wanted to help him out, so she left copies of the other bids in her apartment and gave him the key to go retrieve them.

He must have thought I was very naive to believe him. One, Chappy wasn't that kind of a person, to operate underhanded like that.  Two, why not just meet for dinner and have her give you the material.

I stood there thinking this was it? You've had all weekend to think of an excuse and this is the best you can come up with.  "Why didn't she meet you for dinner or drinks and give you this stuff?"

"She didn't want anyone to know."  Really? Was she CIA, being watched by the enemy preparing to pass off  espionage secrets? Cameras snapping photos of the two of you in the corner of a dark restaurant, hidden behind Ray-Bans as you embraced, her sliding the folder containing highly sensitive material in to your trench coat.  You've got to be kidding me? I could come up with better excuses than what you just served me!

I wanted to believe him. He wanted me to believe him, but it just didn't add up.  I unpacked the car. He was more than attentive to my needs. The next day he drove to Chicago to start his week at work and life went on.

You want to believe someone you love, would never betray you, but it happens every day. Betrayal is a breech of trust. It is found in every day relationships and it varies in depth. How you recover from it is totally up to you. The person who has betrayed you will act one of two ways, they will shower you with attention or they will ignore you, hoping that the problem vanishes into air.

You have to decide how to push through the disappointment. Do you believe the person? Do you trust them still or do you withdraw from them? If it is a minor betrayal, forgiveness is easy, but if it is one that topples the apple cart and your heart feels like a punching bag, forgiveness is difficult. Time does not always heal a heart. Time merely allows the mind to forget the details and remember the love you once shared. But time never removes the hurt or the need to guard your heart a little closer next time.