There is a Greater Power who guilds Us

After Chappy split the bank accounts, one night, we laid in bed and he got up in the middle of the night and slept in the spare bedroom.  Having been in his shoes at one time, I understood, but I wasn't going to make it easy on him.

I knew from watching Min, Chappy did not handle guilt well.  He had a business function to attend. It was a large company meeting that all the account representatives would be attending, to include Courtney.

She was staying at the hotel that the function was being held at and he came strolling in at four in the  morning.  I was in bed, but I wasn't sleeping.  He tiptoed into the closet and I tiptoed right in behind him.  Our closet was the size of a room and I had a chair in there.  I plopped down in that chair and watched him undress, all the while asking him about his evening.  I didn't mention it was four in the morning. I had some thing much better than that to bring to the table.

As he stood there undressing, he removed his trousers and checked his tighty  whiteys, I'm guessing for wet spots, because after almost eight years of marriage, this was a first.   I asked him if he had gotten some thing on him and he glared at me.  As he walked past me, I reached for his hand.  He paused and turned to me.  "I think you forgot this tonight" and I handed him his wedding band. He took it and placed it back on his finger.

"What is this all about?  You go out now without  your wedding band?"

Chappy never took his wedding band off. Ever. I on the other hand took mine off often because of the diamond.  In fact, one year at Christmas, I took them off to do dishes. I had a set, engagement ring and wedding band.  I also had a ring I had purchased years before of a band with a half a caret of diamonds made up of five stones.  Min picked up my rings and wore them on her hand. She had all of them on one finger and commented on how nice they looked together. I had other rings that I liked to wear, but I'm not one to load my fingers down with rings on every finger.  She told me I should wear them like that.  Not once, several times.  So I did and on the right ring finger I wore other rings that I had.

Chappy noticed it soon after and told me to remove it.  He wanted to know why I had taken to wearing that gold band on my left hand.  "No reason, your mom had them on one day and she kept suggesting I should wear them like this, so I do, what's wrong?"

"I don't like and I don't want you to wear any ring except the one I gave you."

"OK." And I never did. This was long before the turbulence we were experiencing in our marriage now. But for him to comment on it, I knew it bothered him.

So, knowing that, for him not to wear his ring was concerning to me.  It wasn't that he didn't wear it all the time, he was selective when he wore it and when he wasn't wearing it, he hid it, between a hankerchief on the closet shelf. He didn't leave it in the open, he hid it.

When you reach this point, you are living two lives and trying to decide how you can manage it without getting caught.  You begin to wonder if it is possible to love two people and you wish you could clone yourself so that you can have the best of both worlds. I've been there and I've had men who loved me, where I was the "other" woman, express that same feeling.  You don't think it is possible but it is and it all starts with an emotional betrayal and ends in a physical betrayal.  We are all humans and few of us are free of sin.

When he moved to the spare room, I knew  it was one step closer to the door, it was just a matter of time. In late July I came home late from Debbie's, my girlfriend from high school's house.  Chappy was sitting in the dark on the screened in porch.  He had tears in his eyes and it appeared he'd been crying for a while.

"Been out with your friends again?" He said sarcastically.

"Yes, I told you I was going to Debbie's. What's wrong? Why are you crying?" This was a rare moment. I had seen Chappy tear up three times, the day he proposed, the day we got married and the day we left our home in Lansing.

"No matter where we move, you make friends.  You have friends every where. I don't have friends. I work.  I understand now why you love this dog so much,  she is a lot of company.  It gets lonely sitting here by yourself. I never understood how you couldn't live with out Precious, but I do now."

"She's mine.  You aren't taking her, so forget it. She has saved me more times than not and I know what you are feeling.  You have friends, back home, but you work all the time so you can't develop relationships out of work, to include this marriage."

"I can't do this, it's too hard."

"Do what?"

"I can't live like this.  I am not happy.  I don't know if I want to be married and I' confused." Tears rolling down his cheeks.

"I know.  I've been where you are right now, fifteen years ago.  I know exactly what you feel and what you are thinking.  But I am not going to make the decision for  you.  You want out, you walk out that door. I'm not going any where. I am not quitting this marriage. I took a vow and you made a promise, you will have to live  with your decision whatever that is."

"I think I want to try a trial separation."

"OK. What does that mean?  Does that mean we live apart and try to work this out or does that mean, it's easier to say than the alternative?"

"I want this to work.  I think we  need to live apart and work on this."

"OK, but remember, you are paying the bills. Every month that mortgage is due and so is your rent.  Every month the utilities are due and so are yours. I'm not footing the bill while you play Casanova Chappy."

"I'm not playing Casanova! I told you there isn't anyone in my life besides you. I love you, I'm just confused."

"Yeah, my mom always said, "confused" is named after a woman or a man. So, if you love me so much, why are you walking out the door and not trying?"

"I want to try, but I want to be separated."

He really thought I was stupid. I got up and pulled the old Killer out of my back pocket.  "Give me a date, when you are moving.  I'll be here cause you aren't taking any thing out of this house, unless I tell you that you can have it.  Trust me, don't pull any shit."

"I am moving next Saturday. I have movers coming."

"Movers?  You should be able to rent a truck and move by yourself."

"I'm taking my desk. I need help getting it up the stairs at my new apartment."

"Really, you already have this new apartment?"

"Yes."

I called the dog and walked into the house.  I felt like locking the door and letting him sit out there for the rest of his life, but I didn't. He just wasn't going to have the companionship of my Precious and if anyone was loyal to me, she was.  She got up and followed me upstairs.  I closed the bedroom door and locked it. I closed the bathroom suite door and locked it and I cried until there were no more tears.

Chappy had been watching me keep this log. He watched me carry this briefcase every where I roamed.  He was curious to know what I had in it and I set him up.  Shortly after I started toting it around, I made copies of every thing I had inside of it.  I kept those where he would have never found them, in the Bravada, in the spare tire well. I left the briefcase out and left the house. I wanted to see what he would do and he fell for my trap hook, line and sinker.

I came home to discover very incriminating documents were missing from my file. I had hid the diary. That was too hard to copy.  I asked  him if he had been in my briefcase and he denied it.  As if I thought he was going to confess to snooping!

I produced copies of the documents that were missing along with the file folder so he would know exactly where I kept things.  "Yes, I figured you were going to say that, good thing I made copies.  I'll never leave that briefcase unattended again!" I made a big production of replacing the documents back into the folder and I went upstairs with my briefcase.

I hid it under the bed and I came back downstairs. I went outside in the back yard and pretended I was working in the flower beds. Again, the whole back of the house is windows and he sat in his rocker watching television.  All of a sudden he disappeared.

I came in the back door, Precious greeting me.  I  was headed upstairs to see what he was up to and just as I reached that fifteen step, Precious flew by me and into the bedroom. I was milliseconds behind her and I found Chappy in the  master closet.  He stood there, bewildered, facing his golf shirts, slowly sliding them on the rack, as if he were taking inventory of his wardrobe.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking at my shirts. Why?"

"Looking at  your shirts?  Bored?"

"No! I was just seeing what I had."

I turned and walked back down the stairs.  I knew what he was doing, he was looking for the brief case.  I put Precious in the garage.  Chappy heard the door open and close.  I belly crawled up those stairs.  He wouldn't hear me coming until I was on top of him!

I reached that final stair, sprawled out flat on my stomach like a fine warrior that just finished the obstacle course, peering around the door frame, gazing at him as he flipped through my briefcase, hunched down like a thief scouting for the blue prints of Cindy's weapons of Chappy's mass destruction.

I jumped into action, "WHAT are you doing!?!"

He appeared startled. He had no idea that I would be back so soon.

Stuttering he said, "I'm looking for.....the bank statement."

"Bank statement?  The one you closed with out my  knowledge a couple weeks ago? What the hell do  you need that for and get the hell out of my briefcase!" I grabbed it from his hands as he got up off his knees.

"Let me make this perfectly clear to you, there is NOTHING inside here that is your business and if you think you can remove any thing and I won't miss it, you are terribly wrong.  YOU know me!  I track things like a blood hound and I have not only one set, but several, so don't think your removing  them from here, removes them from every set I have hidden from you."

"What are you keeping track of? There is nothing for you to keep track of!"

"Apparently there is or you wouldn't be looking."  I spun around on my heels and headed downstairs.  He was right on my tail.

"You think a couple of receipts is going to prove any thing.  They were business meetings.  You don't have any thing on me.  You never will!"

"I've got enough to make you sweat and worry.  That's all I am trying to accomplish."

I grabbed my purse and left.  I headed to Lorna's house. I didn't know where I was going, but I wasn't going to stay there. Let him continue to snoop, every thing was in the wheel well of the car and now, an extra set was setting at Lorna's.

How you can be so physically weak one moment and the next so filled with anger and fire, is beyond me. Some one far greater than I was fueling my will to survive as I prayed to Him every day, several times, "God, please give me the strength and courage to make it through this day." He never let  me down.