Tough Decisions Require More Than a Coin Toss

Decisions are not difficult for me to make.   I don't spend days worrying about whether to do some thing or not, I just weigh the facts and make the choice. I have known people who worry non stop over a simple decision and they waiver between yes or no. They make a decision and then they change it. Just DO IT!

I am not saying I always make smart choices, but, if I don't, I live with it and move on. Before me though stood a decision that took more than a coin toss. Was I opening up a door that I had closed?  Did I think I could go away with Killer for ten days and not gut myself at some point? We hadn't spent any considerable amount of time together in close to a year.

Had he changed? I doubted it very much. But he sounded different. He wasn't begging and lecturing me. He had had an experience with Mon Cheri that may have enlightened him, if any thing it helped with his wardrobe.

He always liked to look nice in a sport coat and tie. He had all of his dress shirts monogrammed at the cuff shortly after we were married. After I bought my sewing machine, I monogrammed them.  I used to tease him that he needed the monogram to remind him of  who he was. But when it came to casual, Killer had no idea what to do or what to wear.

But back to the what ifs?  They are a terrible disease if you can't shake them. What if he thought this was me caving in? Was I caving in?  We were still married. Neither of us had spoken to an attorney yet.  Neither of us had even mentioned the word divorce.

I needed to get away, but I didn't want to sit and do nothing.  Killer was not a man to "wing it." Driving twenty hours to find out his wings were clipped around Chattanooga would not please me.  How would I handle that? He wouldn't let me drive my car, so I'd be tied down without transportation if I wanted to get away, fly the coop with my own soaring wings.

I knew he'd stop at all the little places that would remind us of better times.  We'd traveled this road many times before and we always stopped at the same places to eat and get gas.  He'd remind me of the time we went to Cave City and explored the caves.  We were dating at the time.  He'd remind me of our time at Opryland and the memories of our stay. Him sitting on the edge of the pool, watching me swim without a ripple in the water. Was I up for this trip down memory lane? Was I ready to make new memories, or did I just want to close the book and savor the ride we had?

I wanted to see my parents.  How would my Mother react to this? I could just hear her now, "Make up your mind! Jumping Jesus H Christ, girl, you can't just expect your father and I to wonder who the hell you are going to be dragging through that door every time  you come to visit."  That fact alone, pulled the meter away from, "YOU are crazy if you say yes!"

But as my Mother also said, "When you live under your own roof, you can do anything you want."  So, if I visited them, I would technically be living under her roof and she'd not be happy about this and back to square one I traveled, do not pass out from the pressure of this difficult decision you must make within hours. UGH! I was so torn about what to do!

I came up with a plan.  I would go, but with stipulations. If he could not agree to them, I already had my plans in place.  I placed the call to him the next morning.