I Need My Own Identity

I was on a high like none I had experienced. We had such a great time in Florida.  The week was filled with memories I would never forget, lessons I would apply in my life later and just pure relaxation. I was ready to move on.  This is what I had been dreaming of for years. A man who was a partner and wanted to enjoy life  together.  

Michael must have sensed this as well, as he asked me to marry him.  Now, while I was thinking this whole partner, life together as one, I was thinking without commitment. For cripes  sake, I was still married to Killer and I felt like I was just testing the waters at this point, but I was fairly confident that my toes were liking the mini pedicure they were experiencing. I told Michael that I was not ready for marriage, hell, I WAS married! He reiterated all the things we had in common, the fun we had when we were together, the life that we could share, just marry him, leave Killer and move on.

How little he understood that I was suffocating from all the pulling between these two men.  Each had things that I liked, even loved about them.  I wondered if it was possible to pick the better qualities from each, blend, slightly shaken and poured into a mold to make the perfect partner for me.  I remembered I was not that great in science, so I had best keep this project under lock and key as I might create a monster who would haunt me the rest of my days.

We flew back to Detroit.  I was starting my new job on Monday.  Michael drove me back to my nest.  I was literally floating from the sheer pleasures of the week. I was on my way back up.  Starting a new job, rested from a peaceful vacation and heading into my first major holidays without Killer or Worm. Could it get any better than this?

We walked up to the the door of my little piece of heaven, Michael had my bags and I opened to door to a surprise that I had not expected in a million years.  Killer had filled my apartment with balloons. Banners and a love letter that would tear any girl's heart out.

My heart came back to reality.  I could run away and pretend that every thing was all right in my little bubble, but eventually your bubble floats back to reality and bursts, leaving you to address the remains. 

I just stood there looking at this room full of balloons and wondering, how? How did he pull this off? My emotions were off the chart. I was angry that he had once again violated my space with no respect for my privacy. I was angry that for six years he didn't do anything out of his routine to surprise me, we were married, the honeymoon was over and now? Now? He pulls all his tricks out of his bag to shower me with love and attention? After he had just belittled me by telling me I was no one without him. Telling me I needed  to move back home as no one would ever love me like he did. Reminding me that I was unemployed and no one was going to hire me without a college degree. Now, he steps up to the plate and takes a swing at winning my heart back.  Well, Killer, you struck out.  

In my ear I could hear this rambling of Michael.  He was beside himself that Killer had moved in on "his turf" and ruined our night. Could he possibly know what was going through my head at the moment? Michael continued to rant and rave, the phone was ringing as I stood there staring at these balloon, wondering how the hell I was going to get into my apartment.  The answering machine picked up and you could hear Killer's voice in the background. "Welcome Home Beadie! I hope you liked your surprise.  I missed you little girl and I just wanted  you to know how proud I am of you.  Good luck on your job tomorrow, I love you. Call me when  you get in."

Michael was still going on about Killer and trying to get my suitcase into the apartment.  I was cooked! No one had a key to my apartment. How did he do this? Michael, still ranting and raving! I dropped my purse and made a bee line for the managers office.  I didn't care that it was after hours, I knew at that precise moment just how he got into my apartment and I was fit to be tied!

I knocked on the door and stood there waiting patiently for Mr. or Mrs. Farmer to answer the door.  Mrs.  Farmer answered.  I knew I didn't have to reintroduce myself, she knew who I was.  I asked her if Killer had been to see her.  This poor pitiful woman was all a titter over how much "that Killer loved" his Beadie. She told me he had been there earlier in the day and told them that he was my husband.  They knew this!  Remember, they had managed the condo complex in Jackson that Killer's parents lived in! 

He explained that we were separated but "working" it out and I was in Florida.  He wanted to surprise me but needed their help to pull this off.  She probably tripped running to my little piece of heaven to let him in and create this living hell I was experiencing at that precise moment! I informed her under no circumstances was she ever to let anyone in my apartment.  I almost went as far to say even if I were dead and rotting, but I knew that Killer was capable of this horrific crime and I might need someone to save me some day.

She was very apologetic and I just pleaded to not let him near my apartment unless I had given her prior permission.  I headed back to the apartment.  Michael was popping the balloons.  I told him to stop, I wanted a picture of this. He thought it was to remind me of this Kodak moment and he became more livid that I would want to take a photo of this "memory ."  He had popped quite a few balloons by the time I got back.  You literally could not see the ceiling my nest was so full of balloons.  I told him to leave.  I was not pleasant about it at all.

You silly man! You think I am taking a photo of this to share in my love book of pleasant and fond memories of Killer? I am taking a photo of this because if this man EVER tries to enter my apartment again with out prior permission, I'll nail his balls to a cross and serve them up for snacks to any man who dares to cross the line again with me!

I started my new job the next day.  It had been well over five years since I had handled multi line claims.  I had so much to freshen myself up on.  As well, I was working for an independent adjusting company and you had to bill so many hours a week to prove your self worth to them.  I was struggling with how I was going to bill sixty hours of adjusting time into a forty  hour week. Again, I was no Einstein in math, but I was pretty sure that was near impossible. I discovered it wasn't, you just had to learn to play the game of numbers. 

At lunch, I called a friend who was an attorney. I needed some information on a restraining order. I was debating on whether I should get one or two.  He told me he'd get back with me as this was outside of his scope of expertise.  Check, one more thing knocked off my list of taking names and kicking ass.

Michael called to apologize. He knew he had overstepped his boundary but he loved me and wanted to marry me.  Why couldn't I just see that.  Hello? I can't see it because everyone seems to "love" me and I really didn't love myself at the present moment.  I was trying to pick up my shattered dream and put it back together. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit preoccupied with this thing called life!

Killer called me at work.  How did he get this number?  Lord, give me patience, there was this thing called a phone book and I worked with a bunch of good ole boys that knew Killer from the days he was a multi-line adjuster.  My first day on the job they referred to me as "Killer's wife."  Would I ever be known as just Cindy Marie?