You are not worthy to accept Communion

Chappy had never asked me to go to church with him.  I asked him very early in our marriage if it was important to him and he said, "No, it doesn't matter, that is my time."

If the family were going  to church, more times than not I attended but there were times I refused because of Min.  I always asked Chappy though if it would bother him first, before I made the decision to not go and every time he said, "No."

I discovered over time, there is a routine that is followed in the Catholic Church, but I never understood it. Min thought I should convert, but I do not follow one particular faith.   I have my own beliefs and they are perhaps a blend of many faiths. I am an all or nothing person.  Unlike Min, I can't say I'm of one faith, but pick and chose what I want to abide by in that belief.  Again, we are all sinners, so that may be how she believed in some but not all of the Catholic faith.

Sissy was married outside of the Church so therefore she could not accept Communion.  Wilma always told me I wasn't worthy of Communion because I was not Catholic.  Years later, I attended a United Methodist Church and once a month when Communion was rolled out, I stood in line and apparently was worthy in their eyes.  I always wanted to send a video of that moment to Min, but she wouldn't have found the humor in it like I did.

I followed the others as we entered the Church.  I have a great respect for God and His House. I am respectful when I enter any church.  I dress in what was once referred to as your Sunday best.  You are there to worship and some days you are asking for a lot of forgiveness and others, tons of favors in exchange for serving Him.  I would think you would want to arrive in your best to thank Him for what He has provided to you.

That aside, that is my opinion. It may not be shared by many, but it is my belief. I try and treat people as I would want to be treated.  It isn't always returned, but I understand some can not give as others do.

It was important to Min that we arrive at Church as a family.  She loved to hear others mention that they saw the "whole family" or that Chappy was in town.  

When Sissy was married to Wes, he would behave like a five year old sitting in the pew. I felt embarrassed for her as Min chastised him where others could hear.  A forty year old should know better.  Sissy was a bit of a drama mama. She'd sit and pout every time Min, John Boy and Chappy left the pew for Communion. Wes, Sissy and I were left behind, sinners, for all to see as they returned to their seats.

I  have a few memories of those visits to the Church.  One, Min and I ended up next to each other in the pew, that didn't happen often, but as we entered, we knelt on the kneelers.  I assumed one did this as they entered Church to  pay respect, or pray.  Min knelt and leaned forward, "Who do you think that is with Mary N?  I wonder if that is her ...." 

"Really? Is this what you are supposed to do when you kneel?  I thought I was supposed to be praying and today I find out I'm supposed to be prying!"

"Oh, you're a nasty girl, you better pray, you've got a lot to cover in the short time we are here." And she continued to take a head count of everyone in the pews and who they were attending with. I prayed that God wouldn't smack her.

We were in Arizona one year.  Min and John Boy went out there for a month. They had heard how great it was in the winter by others in Westphalia who spent the colder months there.  Min hated it. She was homesick and she didn't like being away from her family.

We all flew out to see where they were staying and we headed out to church for Saturday Mass.  It was crowded, many standing, leaning against the wall.  Min found some seats, but not enough for me to sit with them.  I headed over toward a far wall and found a single seat.  I had not been to impressed with the Masses we had attended recently, every one focused on  money.  This day was no different, but after they requested you to empty your pockets they started to discuss the sins of abortion and how any woman who had an abortion would face Satin one day.  For whatever reason, I found that  to be judgemental and I thought God was not judgemental, or at least my God wasn't.  I started to think of the choices I had  made in my life and how different it might have been had I chose a different path. I have never regretted any thing I had done, perhaps I was having a moment of pity or again, feeling alone as Chappy chose to sit with his mom verses standing beside me.

When I came out of the Church, I had to wait for the others. I am sure  my face reflected the emptiness in my heart.  Chappy wanted to know if I was OK and I whispered in  his ear, "Don't make me do  that again."

"Do what?" He was in the dark as we had walked in fine and I walked out with a heavy heart and a tinge of anger.

"I almost walked out of there, how can your church be so judgemental? Do they not understand people make decisions that are best for them at the time  that they make them?"

He knew what I was talking about and he just gave me a hug and apologized. For what, I don't know. Min wanted to know, "why the long face there, Missy?"

"Tired of going to Church and having them beg for  money, don't they ever give sermons?" And life went on.

The last memory was the last time we attended Church as a family.  December 1999, Christmas Eve Mass.  John Boy, Min, Sissy, her new beau, Bill, Chappy and I all attended. I was the only non Catholic.  Min asked us to all go up for Communion.  Nothing would make her happier than to see us all go up together.  I told her that I didn't feel comfortable with that. If the Church believes only some are worthy of Communion, I did not want to go. Sissy was not comfortable as she still would not be entitled as she married a man who had previously been married outside of the Church. Min didn't care, throw caution to the wind! She wanted her five minutes of happiness. What she really wanted was for everyone to see us go up as a family and not be left behind in the pews.  She had  had too many notice and mention it to her.

They announced that even if you were not allowed Communion you could approach for a blessing. You had to "do some thing" though to signal you were not Communion worthy.  I wasn't paying attention.

I wasn't going, but Min nudged me out of the pew so she could get by me and as I stood there waiting for every one to leave the pew, she pushed me in front of her and told me I was going.  Chappy was right behind me, I was leading the troops to the front of the Church.

The lines were long and I kept watching others to see what I was supposed to do to alert every one I was not worthy.  I leaned back to Chappy and asked him, he didn't know. He asked Min, she didn't know.  Next thing I knew I was front and center. I had spotted another sinner among the crowd, both arms crossed across their chest, similar to the X you find in glamour magazines pointing out "don't" do this in fashion.

I was coming up fast to the grape juice and cracker tray, my arms crossed in front of me, alerting those who were providing Communion that I was to be passed over.  I guess they were not paying attention for the next thing I knew, they popped one of those wafers on my tongue. I had told him, "No" as I was flapping my arms against my chest to warn him, but he didn't notice that my arms were crossed.

I headed back to the pew, Chappy behind me.  Min couldn't wait to walk back and watch everyone looking at her clan coming back from the front of the church.  She scooted past Chappy so she could sit next to me, "Thank you for doing that for me.  I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome, I guess I was worthy today, did you notice they popped the old wafer in my mouth and my arms were even crossed!"

"Don't be thinking you are worthy, it's just a special night and you should consider yourself lucky that we even allow you in our church." 

That one second, she had been nice, but it never lasted, within seconds afterwards, she had to cut me off at the knees again.