During the course of our marriage, we spent fourteen consecutive days together each year, under the same roof, in the same state. Over the span of our marriage, that is less than one hundred days. Other than those two weeks, we were weekend spouses who shared a majority of their alone time with Chappy's immediate family. Many times, the weekend was spent with his family, cousins and Aunts and Uncles
One would think, when you don't see much of each other, a vacation away, together would be welcomed. It probably would have been had guilt trips not been handed out so easily. After we found the condo in Fort Myers Beach that we went back to every year, Chappy had to share it with his family. Not once, but a couple of times.
To look forward to a vacation alone with your husband that you never see only to discover that he has invited the family to join us, not for a few days, but the whole ten days we are at this condo, is enough to boil blood. It's not that I didn't like spending time with them, but you are not in a position to do as you want, when you want.
The Schafer's were all very early risers. I was not, at that stage in life. I am a night owl. They were night owls too, but they could exist on four hours of sleep, I can not. Every morning I got up at 9:00 and every morning, no matter where we were, I'd hear, "Good Afternoon, so glad you could finally join us, the day is half gone."
If I decided I wanted alone time and went into the bedroom and closed the door. Min would remark to Chappy that I was being rude. "Doesn't she like our company?" "She went to bed, she didn't say goodnight!" "Doesn't she know it is not polite to go to bed and not say goodnight?"
I have allergies. I am allergic to most anything outside, so I am miserable pretty much all year long. If I sneezed or blew my nose, Min would comment about ships coming into harbor. Didn't matter if we were in Michigan or Florida. The woman was ruthless and she had to have Chappy on her side when this ribbing went on. He could have stood up to her and told her to knock it off, but he didn't. Again, I stood alone, so I had to say, "Game on Sista!"
If you have the balls to say to your son that you do not approve of some thing that I said or do, yet you don't have the balls to say it directly to me, I have a problem with that. Min was never happy with any thing, yet others would not even notice. She started mentioning to Jack her disappointment in me when a house full of his family came to visit.
I had always been cordial to our guests. It was like staying in a motel when you came to visit. But it was never enough for Min. Rooms would have towels set out, toiletries in case they forgot some thing. Hell, Cheryl always took the extra tooth brush I set even though she brought her own. She'd help herself to the little bars of soap and shampoos. With Chappy's travels, we had tons of that stuff so I would use it to make people feel special when they came to visit.
I'd have your favorite drink. I'd make sure everyone was fed and there was plenty to eat, but at the end of the day, Hazel the maid, needed to have her down time. Not acceptable in Min's book. I made sure every one knew where every thing was, help yourself, feel at home, but Min expected me to stay up until the last drunk fell over.
One of the last visits with the extended family, we had four couples come to visit. Ten people in our home for almost a week. The house we lived in at the time had four bedrooms and five bathrooms. Each bedroom had its own bathroom right next to a walk in closet. I had each room stocked like a hotel. The last night every one was there, having been trained so well over the years, I asked everyone if I could say good bye before I retreated to bed. They were all getting up at 4:30 AM to drive home. Every one of them said yes. I gave them each a hug, wished them a safe trip and went to bed. Min was already in bed as it was late.
Chappy got up in the morning to see his family off and came back to bed. It took tops, ten to fifteen minutes. When Min got home, she called Chappy and told him he needed to talk to me about being rude to his family. He didn't know what she was talking about, but she informed him every one was upset that I didn't get up to say good-bye.
So, like the dutiful son, he relayed the message. I reminded him about the conversation and that every one was OK with this, but he was just the messenger, so I called each of them. If she wants to play this game, I'll play. I called and apologized for being rude. Not one knew what I was talking about. Each one recited my conversation that I was not getting up and they were alright with it and then I dropped the ball. "Well, I was positive you were, but Min said you all were just so upset that I treated you rudely and I wanted to personally apologize. My intent was never to be rude, I'm just not a morning person."
Each one said the same thing and each one, reported back to Min about my call. She contacted Chappy again. One of the many things that bothered me and I really can not pin point why, but when his mom would call he'd leave the room and go behind a closed door to have his conversation. They might talk on the phone for a couple hours. Or he'd call her on his drive home whether that drive was fifteen minutes or three hours. What was so secretive that you had to talk behind closed doors?
I will never know, but I do know most times those doors were shut, a message would be delivered soon after. Min didn't appreciate that I called her brother, sister in law, nephew, as well as his girl friend and Sissy and Bill. "How dare her to call them and launder our business." Correct me if I am wrong, but is it not my business if I was the guilty one of treating guests rudely?
Chappy and I never fought. We discussed and I thought it was odd that no one was upset, yet she told him that every one thought I was rude. "What is this all about and why wouldn't she talk to me?"
Chappy never wanted to get in the middle, but Min put him there every time he allowed her to "deliver" the message. He could have told her he didn't want to hear about it. He could have told her, he didn't have an issue with it, but he never did and it festered inside of me. I wasn't comfortable in my own home when they came to visit for fear that I might offend someone with the way I entered the room. So, I fought back with my sarcasm and quick wit.
Nothing was off limits. You want to play dirty, I will open the door and invite you in to my playroom. Sarcasm can be played with humor or delivered cold as an iceberg. Just depends on the circumstance.
Min thought she didn't like me before, she really, wouldn't like me now. You want to talk about me to everyone in your little town, game on. I will not hold back. When we would travel back to Michigan, I wanted to go see Tina. It would have been nice if just once my husband came with me, but he never did. He never traveled with me to see my parents either.
We came home one weekend and Chappy wanted to go see his buddies from high school. We were not in town for long and I wanted to see Tina. We were sitting at breakfast and Chappy asked me what I was going to do that day. I told him I was going into Lansing to see Tina, would he join me. No, he was meeting up with the guys. Not a problem. But Min had to open her mouth and suggest that I forget Tina and go with my husband to visit his buddies, "they are a fine young group of men and you should go with Chappy and visit your friends together."
She opened that door. I didn't ask her to, she just had to insert her opinion. "Min, I go with Chappy all the time to see his friends, he should go with me once in a while to see my friend, but he never has."
"Maybe he doesn't like your friends and doesn't want to go."
"Maybe I don't like his friends or his family, but I still act like I do and visit anyway." I didn't raise my voice, I said it with a bit of humor in my tone, but she grabbed right on to it.
"Well, you should consider yourself lucky to be in this family! And that Chappy's friends include you in their group, you know you're not from around here and that has been a close knit group of friends all their lives, you don't have that."
"No, Min, my people, we are loyal to one another, we don't talk about each other behind their back, you know, how you talk to Chappy when you want to send a message to me?"
"It's not my business to get involved with your marriage. I just mention to Chappy things that I think he needs to address and if he feels the need to share those with you, he must have the same concern as I do."
Oh my God! He's a puppet! I married a puppet. Chappy sat there, watching this debate between his mother and I. He didn't peep a word and when I looked his way for some support, he got up and went upstairs to get dressed. He left the room and didn't worry that when he returned there might be fatalities. Walked away!
"Min, if I only had the time to share my concerns about the many things that I do not approve of, I'd be more than happy to, but I have to go visit my friend." I headed up those stairs at record speed. Chappy was unfazed by the conversation he just witnessed.
"Could you have at least attempted to support me or change the subject?"
"Cin, when are you going to learn, she is a very wise woman and you should listen to her. She is only trying to help you. It'd do you good to sit and talk to her, gain some of her wisdom."
Oh, now I'm not only married to a puppet, but his mind has been replaced with straw. I was done. I got dressed and went into town. I visited Tina and then I stayed away. I didn't call. I didn't come home for dinner, I just stayed out. Apparently I missed every one coming to see Chappy and visit that day. Min was sure to tell me every one who stopped to see her Chappy.
He never put his foot down, but Chappy was passive aggressive. He had his moments that he'd do some thing knowing that she'd disapprove, but lie to her about it. Often it was over attending church. Every time we moved, he didn't go to church every weekend. He only went when they came to town or we went home.
We were living in Naperville and the family was coming to visit. He'd been telling his mom that he'd found this great church and was going every Sunday. A few days before they were to arrive, he was trying to find the Catholic Church and become familiar with the layout of the building before he had to take them there. It would have been embarrassing to not know where this church was that you attended every week and even more so when you had no idea where the restrooms might be. Why not just tell her, "I haven't found a church yet, I'm busy." Always wanting to be the apple of her eye.
When we moved to Fishers, we paid someone to put in ceramic tile. He didn't want them to know how much we paid for the installation, so he had me take a picture of him. It appeared he was putting the tile in himself. What does it matter whether you paid some one or you did it yourself? He knew his parents would ride him for paying to have some thing done that he should have known how to do. But he lied.
Before we were married, we went out to his parents house while they were away on a trip. We had pulled a prank on Tina and her friend Scott and wanted to get away before the tables turned, so we drove out to Westphalia to spend the night.
The house was a three bedroom farm house. My parents room was sacred. You didn't go in it and play or mess around, but that night, we went into his parents bedroom and slept in their bed. We might have even left a spot on the sheet, but when we got up in the morning, he made sure every thing was just as we had found it. I often wondered if Min pulled the sheets back to find mystery hair and spots on her fresh linen. Had she only known her Chappy scored with a woman in her bed that he was not married to, the poor woman might have stroked out.
When I was about to turn forty, Min called with a "grand idea." She was thinking of having a birthday party for me. She would invite, and she listed off all of Chappy's friends. I didn't want a birthday party, especially thrown by her. It would have required a trip back to Michigan and I didn't want to spend my fortieth birthday with Min. I laughed and asked about inviting my friends and Tina was one of them. She told me she was throwing this party for me and she thought her list of invitees was perfect, "no need to invite anymore."
I ended our phone conversation with, "This almost sounds like our wedding, you invited everyone and we attended. I'll let Chappy know you want him to come home for a party in his honor and use my birthday as the reason to celebrate."
She thought I was ungrateful and I thought she was out of line. If you are going to throw some one a party, invite at least one of their friends!
In 1997, I decided to have my varicose veins stripped. My dad had had his done as well as my brother and they bothered me. The procedure would be done differently than when my dad has his done. Instead of doing both legs at once, they would do one and two weeks later you came back for the second procedure.
I scheduled it on a Friday so Chappy wouldn't have ruin his week. He would be home for the weekend at least to take care of me. I needed some one to cook for me. I had to keep my leg elevated and walk 10 minutes every hour. It was all he could do to be home on both of those Friday's.
He had a job that he could have worked from home for three or four days until I had to go back for my check up, but he was "too busy." I called my Mom to see if she'd come down and stay with me. I didn't need but someone to make a meal for me and drive me to my follow up appointment five days after surgery. Mom refused to come down. She swore every time she came to my house she got hurt or sick. Who did that leave? Chappy thought it'd be great, his mom would come down and help me, we could bond. I would have rather ripped my veins out with a machette than to have her come take care of me. I'd never hear the end of how she was the only one there when I needed help.
Her son? My husband, should have been there, but he was too busy. Even in the waiting room, before surgery, he was working. Making calls. When I was in recovery, he was next to me, working. Answering emails, returning phone calls. I was just not a priority ever.
After we were married, he had to have his knee scoped. I took three days off to help him. He was to be non weight bearing, so someone needed to be there for him. His surgeon was in Grand Rapids, an hour away and I had the time off to drive him there and back. But Chappy was not one to coddle, unless it was his mom.
Often I would remind him that for a day I'd like to be in his top five, but that I couldn't compete with his job, his mom, dad and sister. He swore that wasn't the truth, but we both knew that it was. It took him eight years to finally admit I was right.
The thoughts that wander through my mind. Some have suggested I write a book. I think I'll blog first
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