Before me stood two men that professed their love for me but their actions were of the weak. I do not understand jealousy. I understand rejection. I understand envy, but I do not understand jealousy. I have looked back over the years and through the love and pain of every day life, I do not remember, jealousy, as an emotion that I experienced. I remember anger, sadness, deceit, envy, rejection, love and admiration, but never did I feel jealousy. Never would I lower my self to beg a person to love me. Wasn't I worth more than that?
What drives a person to lower their self image, worth and morals to behave in a manner that they believe will prove their love is greater for you than another? Or their actions prove they love you more.
Begging? Do you think if you beg someone to love you, they will? Do you think by begging them to not leave you, they will stand by your side? Do they think begging you to return to their side, will spark an interest that was blown out by you?
People leave relationships for many reasons, but one is the way you were treated. When jealousy strikes, do you ever ask yourself, what did I do to push this person away from me? Did I treat them with kindness? Did I treat them with respect even when they may not have deserved it in that moment? Did I tell them that I loved them, or did I assume they knew? Did I take an interest in their life, their needs and desires, or was it all about me, leaving them to suffocate in my shadow?
Did I acknowledge them as a human with thoughts and feelings of their own or did I smother them with my overbearing ways, making them feel that they were not worthy of an opinion of their own? Did I listen to them, not only with my ears, but with my heart? Did I hold them when they needed to be held or raise them to God and pray they find comfort when they were falling apart? Did I praise them, thank them for the little things they did or did I feel that I was worthy of their kindness and let that moment slip by? Did I tell them those little things they did for me, did not go unnoticed? Did I treat them like they deserved to be treated, with love?
That is what you should ask yourself when you feel jealousy that is based on love or lack of love of another. You shouldn't expect them to conform to your expectations and your visions of what they should be for you, you should encourage their growth and individualism as it will benefit you when they feel your love and support. You move as one, even though you move in circles around one another, you complete that circle when you come back to one another and share your experiences. You support each other, you protect one another and you grow together, not apart.
Killer forced his opinions on me. He had this book of rules that would mold me to who he thought I should be. He told me what I should wear, who I could talk to, how I should talk, what I should drive, how I should walk. He told me that he'd leave me if I ever got fat. He stripped me of my identity to build this ideal woman in his eyes. He did not walk beside me, he walked behind me so he could watch others look at me, his creation, his wife. I was every thing he wanted a woman to be in and outside of the bedroom. Yet when I stepped to the edge of those imaginary boundaries to smell the flowers that I found interesting, he yanked me back into his reality.
You are raised by your parents and your foundation is built for the most part on their guidance, support and example. When you reach your teens, you test their boundaries wanting to experience things that pique your interest, yet you fear leaving that cocoon they have raised you in. Hence why teenagers can be so difficult. They challenge that fight within, that we all do, do you hide under your momma's skirt or do you reach out and sample a little life before you are thrown into it head first.
As young adults, you are challenged with school or employment. It is a whole new world, similar to when you were a toddler and every thing was new and exciting. You want to take it all in and you are free to make decisions without securing the approval of your parents. But those years in your early twenties are similar to your years as a toddler. You experience new things, you are exposed to new situations and you gravitate towards those things that draw you in and your personality, self worth and image are created, the outline of your life is drawn in pencil. As you age, you fill in those gray lines with color and your style is defined, your reputation is honed and you gain confidence in who you are within the skin stretched over your soul.
I was twenty when I married Killer. I was a toddler in the eyes of the adult world. I was sampling the many smells and tastes that are laid before you as an adult but I was not allowed to pick those that were me, I was forced to swallow those that were of someone else's taste and desires. If you have any sense of who you are or want to be, swallowing someone else's dream will suffocate you and choke the life out of you. Some can do this as they have no dreams, visions of what they want from life or backbone to grab it.
Some feel they are not whole unless they are hanging on the arm of another. They dream of the perfect little story book picture of the happy family with the white picket fence and rose garden. They want to drive the mini van that shuttles their children from over booked schedules and they want to keep up with the Jones's as this is what they think their dream should be.
Other's feel pressured to be accepted by not only their peers but their families. How many times have you heard an adult ask a child if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend? The pressure to fit in and be loved starts early. The toddler who has a playmate of the opposite sex in preschool is labeled with the "little boy or girl friend." They can't be just friends, they are linked.
Why must a child be challenged with finding someone to cling to to be worthy? Today this is a little more accepting as children go to proms in groups, but if you look at the picture, they are paired to someone.
Is jealousy breed in the young? You have to be better than, have more than, be loved by, to be acceptable? Why does this green eyed monster live within the souls of so many? Is it fear they are not good enough? Worthy enough? Where was the seed planted that created this insecurity that lives within their heart?
How can you be jealous of someone you have never met? But perhaps heard stories of. How can you be jealous of someone when you hold the prize that person desires? Over the years, I have encountered all forms of jealousy. Jealousy between lovers, men, women, mothers and their sons and daughters, co-workers, siblings and family. What festers in this soul that creates this need to prove you are worthy of someones love or attention?
Did I acknowledge them as a human with thoughts and feelings of their own or did I smother them with my overbearing ways, making them feel that they were not worthy of an opinion of their own? Did I listen to them, not only with my ears, but with my heart? Did I hold them when they needed to be held or raise them to God and pray they find comfort when they were falling apart? Did I praise them, thank them for the little things they did or did I feel that I was worthy of their kindness and let that moment slip by? Did I tell them those little things they did for me, did not go unnoticed? Did I treat them like they deserved to be treated, with love?
That is what you should ask yourself when you feel jealousy that is based on love or lack of love of another. You shouldn't expect them to conform to your expectations and your visions of what they should be for you, you should encourage their growth and individualism as it will benefit you when they feel your love and support. You move as one, even though you move in circles around one another, you complete that circle when you come back to one another and share your experiences. You support each other, you protect one another and you grow together, not apart.
Killer forced his opinions on me. He had this book of rules that would mold me to who he thought I should be. He told me what I should wear, who I could talk to, how I should talk, what I should drive, how I should walk. He told me that he'd leave me if I ever got fat. He stripped me of my identity to build this ideal woman in his eyes. He did not walk beside me, he walked behind me so he could watch others look at me, his creation, his wife. I was every thing he wanted a woman to be in and outside of the bedroom. Yet when I stepped to the edge of those imaginary boundaries to smell the flowers that I found interesting, he yanked me back into his reality.
You are raised by your parents and your foundation is built for the most part on their guidance, support and example. When you reach your teens, you test their boundaries wanting to experience things that pique your interest, yet you fear leaving that cocoon they have raised you in. Hence why teenagers can be so difficult. They challenge that fight within, that we all do, do you hide under your momma's skirt or do you reach out and sample a little life before you are thrown into it head first.
As young adults, you are challenged with school or employment. It is a whole new world, similar to when you were a toddler and every thing was new and exciting. You want to take it all in and you are free to make decisions without securing the approval of your parents. But those years in your early twenties are similar to your years as a toddler. You experience new things, you are exposed to new situations and you gravitate towards those things that draw you in and your personality, self worth and image are created, the outline of your life is drawn in pencil. As you age, you fill in those gray lines with color and your style is defined, your reputation is honed and you gain confidence in who you are within the skin stretched over your soul.
I was twenty when I married Killer. I was a toddler in the eyes of the adult world. I was sampling the many smells and tastes that are laid before you as an adult but I was not allowed to pick those that were me, I was forced to swallow those that were of someone else's taste and desires. If you have any sense of who you are or want to be, swallowing someone else's dream will suffocate you and choke the life out of you. Some can do this as they have no dreams, visions of what they want from life or backbone to grab it.
Some feel they are not whole unless they are hanging on the arm of another. They dream of the perfect little story book picture of the happy family with the white picket fence and rose garden. They want to drive the mini van that shuttles their children from over booked schedules and they want to keep up with the Jones's as this is what they think their dream should be.
Other's feel pressured to be accepted by not only their peers but their families. How many times have you heard an adult ask a child if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend? The pressure to fit in and be loved starts early. The toddler who has a playmate of the opposite sex in preschool is labeled with the "little boy or girl friend." They can't be just friends, they are linked.
Why must a child be challenged with finding someone to cling to to be worthy? Today this is a little more accepting as children go to proms in groups, but if you look at the picture, they are paired to someone.
Is jealousy breed in the young? You have to be better than, have more than, be loved by, to be acceptable? Why does this green eyed monster live within the souls of so many? Is it fear they are not good enough? Worthy enough? Where was the seed planted that created this insecurity that lives within their heart?
How can you be jealous of someone you have never met? But perhaps heard stories of. How can you be jealous of someone when you hold the prize that person desires? Over the years, I have encountered all forms of jealousy. Jealousy between lovers, men, women, mothers and their sons and daughters, co-workers, siblings and family. What festers in this soul that creates this need to prove you are worthy of someones love or attention?
No comments:
Post a Comment