FREEDOM at Last!

Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Nine was finally a year of change for me.  Major changes! Michael had moved. I knew that I wouldn't  miss him.  To this day, I remember him as a stepping stone in my journey of life.  We had so much fun when we were together. Unfortunately, we also  had too many memories of times filled with disappointment over one another's action. It would have never worked out for us, one, I wasn't in love with him. While I cared for  him, I had been in love and this feeling I held for him, was not that strong.

Killer was growing tired of my indecisiveness and filed for divorce.  He had told me he was hiring an attorney some time ago, as he wanted to divorce me, not the other way around.  If this is what he needed to feel better about himself, I didn't care.  In my mind, it didn't matter who divorced who. But in his mind, it made a big difference. His first wife had divorced him. His second wife had died. I guess to make him feel better about himself, he needed to not feel rejected over who left who.

I didn't hire an attorney. No reason to. I had been told what I could have and what I couldn't.  I had been living almost two years on my own and didn't need any thing more, except my peace of mind and sanity.  Hiring a divorce attorney would not secure me that little piece of myself that I had lost so long ago. 

Killer called one day to have me come over to sign the Quick Claim deed on the house. He had added my name to the deed when we were married.  I  never wanted the house, it was his all along.  He made sure I knew that when he didn't allow me to make it my home.

The Quick Claim Deed stated that he paid me one dollar for the property.  I refused to sign it until he paid me the dollar.  Inside, I didn't care about the dollar, but his presentation of this document was uncalled for.

He had started dating Personal Shopper, a young girl that he worked with.  Personal Shopper was much younger than I was and just as naive when I started dating Killer. I was not aware she was in his bubble when he called me over to sign the papers.  She answered the door.

I was taken back for a moment.  Here before me stood this young woman on the inside of the house where no one was allowed to enter.  She was very shy and unsure of herself.  I am sure Killer told her to answer the door and she was uneasy about who was on the other side. 

He introduced her as his Personal Shopper, but her name was Sarah. She left for another room as soon as she answered the door and Killer stood proud as a peacock, gloating about his new friend.  What was this for? Jealousy? He knew I didn't weaken over jealousy. She had moved in right after the Christmas Party and he was sure to point this out as well.  Again, why? He was trying to hurt me, trying to see if I would break that he had  moved on. 

This was Killer in full bloom. He was letting me  know that although I didn't find him to be the catch of the lifetime, he had found another, younger than I, who thought he was the King of his domain.  

I wasn't part of the divorce process.  Killer and his attorney, a fishing buddy of his, did everything. One day, in the mail, I received a document announcing I had been divorced for well over three months and I didn't even know it! I was really free!

No more Killer.  No more Michael. I was free at last! They had finally decided to move on without me and I didn't have to worry about them any longer.  No more proclaiming their love for me, withdrawing their love for me and in the same minute begging me to love them.  

I had wished I had been stronger during those two years.  I had prayed that when they threw that gauntlet down forcing me to decide between them, that I could have walked away. But when they would call or present themselves like wounded puppies, I couldn't turn away.  I don't know why. I suppose it was because I felt responsible for their unhappiness.  Deep inside I knew that one day they would grow tired of this and move on without me, but I felt responsible for getting them to that point.  So I listened to their lectures.  I holed up in a car for them to have a captive audience to vent their frustrations. I allowed the stalking, the tracking of my every movement because I felt this was my punishment for not taking a stand and moving on with out them as my heart had desired. They had finally realized that I was not going to make a choice, so they made it for themselves and I was happy that  they moved on.

My work was not a place of joy for me at this point as well.  Julie continued to plot against me for whatever reason she had. She would have her secretary watch me whenever I walked by her cube.  I had to go this way to go to the restroom, but it was also an exit to many other areas of the building that I would go to.

Roger called me in the office one day suggesting I spent too much time in the restroom.  Julie had brought it to his attention.  Are you kidding me?  I was not a woman who stood in the restroom primping. I  used it for what it was intended for and that was it. He mentioned that "people" had noticed that I walked by and it was quite some time before I returned, assuming I was in the bathroom.  I pointed out to him that there were two places I could enter the office space.  One, would require me to walk by that "person" and the other would allow me to sneak back in to my office, undetected.  Jeez! Now the office police were spying on my every movement in more ways than one.

Julie's unit had a supervisors position open and as much as I despised this woman, I applied.  It was what Roger and I had discussed when I hired in. Train the staff and I'll place you in a supervisor position.

I had to interview for the position with both Roger and Julie.  I should have jumped in front of a train as that is how I felt when I exited his office after a grueling interrogation.

There was no question that I knew the business. But I was not Julie's favorite and she was not mine.  I was skeptical about applying for the job as I did not see myself reporting to her in a professional manner.

The whole interview she questioned me about my lack of a college degree.  College degrees represented a commitment in her mind. I was quick to point out that spending four years getting a degree in advanced basket weaving to become a supervisor directing employees on the administration of workers compensation law was not a commitment. It was a stepping stone to their dream of weaving a basket.  I had spent those four years doing the job, hands on every day.  I didn't spend my days partying and carrying on the college student's dream, I spent every day working and promoting myself to achieve my goal of being in claims management. I had taken countless courses in insurance from risk management to  claims management to supervisory roles and I felt I was more than qualified for the position.

I walked out of the office knowing I had overstepped a boundary with that woman.  I challenged her in front of her boss and my boss as well. I wasn't surprised that she did not select me for this position that she had opened,but what surprised me was who she selected.

Her focus was on my  lack of a college education and nothing else. The person she promoted had been her legal secretary who I had trained when she promoted her to an adjuster's position.  This woman did not have a college degree and I had had her as a student in my class, she was not what I would have labeled a good adjuster, let alone a supervisor.

Inequality slapped me in the face again. I did not let this go by without questioning it.  I went straight to the  top, over Roger's head and requested a meeting with the big man, Frank.

I had known Frank through Killer, back in the days when I was starting out in the business, so I felt comfortable meeting with him to discuss my qualifications and the fact that I was overlooked for a position that I had been "promised" when I hired in.

Frank was as surprised as I was when I shared with him that the new promotion did not have a college degree and only had six months of claims handling experience. How do you take some one who has handled claims for six months and put them in a position to supervise staff that had more experience than she did.  How would she answer their questions? How would she direct them when they hit a wall and had no idea where to turn?  He said he would look into it and get back with me.

Lesson learned.  Office politics are a dangerous game to get involved in.  He called me a week later. The new promotion was taking correspondence college classes, so she was "working" on getting a degree. (She was also the mother of three children under six, tell me how long that degree was going to take for her to achieve.)  I on the other hand had ten years of experience that apparently didn't count for anything, but I was "smart" enough to be hired to train these people.  Lesson learned. Those who  have power over you will exercise it to control you, especially when they feel threatened by you.