No Where To Go But Up At Full Speed

Could I fall any more on to my face than I already had? I had been in my new little nest two and a half months and I was now unemployed, had to turn in my company car, find a job and continued to fall deeper and deeper in to this black hole.

First things first. I had to get a car. I would now have a car payment that I did not plan on and I had to find a job. Who did I call first when I lost my job? Killer. He was there in record speed. I was allowed to resign. I would have thirty days to turn my car back in and I would be given unemployment. I was almost relieved. I was spinning out of control and had lost my moral compass along the way.  Who was I? I didn't know any longer. I really didn't care any more.  I just wanted to be left alone.

Killer came into my office.  I was packing up my things to leave.  He asked me what had happened and I told  him.  He was furious that these women I worked for, were doing their jobs.  They were huddled in the senior manager's office and Killer walked down there and barged right in.  I was on his heels as I knew he'd tear them apart with his words.  He would threaten them and he'd take a stand that I didn't want him to fight for me.  I just wanted to go to my nest and hide from the  world. I wasn't wounded.  I had reached a point that I could no longer work here. I had worked those MBO goals to the point that  my new expectations were impossible to meet, even at the required level and I was digging myself an early grave.  I think secretly I wanted out. I was becoming careless. A trait I was not familiar with.

I wanted to have my freedom from every thing. From the expectations of these MBO's. From the traveling. I had found it extremely difficult to drive as it gave me time to think behind the wheel with no one there to occupy my every moment.  I found myself driving to appointments in a frenzy and wiping the tears from my eyes as I exited the car and entered the hospital or court room. Putting on that facade that I was on top of my game.

He helped carry my things to the car.  He told me he'd see me at home.  Home? "What do you mean home?"  He expected me to come back to the homestead.  "You put up a good fight Beadie and you lost, now come home where you belong."

What was I thinking when I called him?  Did I dial the phone mindlessly or intentionally? I really do not remember calling him. But in that moment, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. "Come home? With you?" Now? I don't think so. I am going home alone.  Thank you for coming but I am OK."  

He laughed. I will never forget the look on his face as we stood in the parking lot that evening. "Beadie, you are nothing without me, now meet me at home."  The smirk of satisfaction dripping from his face.  I am nothing? He must have forgotten what he shared with me. He would tell me I was not worthy so that I would prove to him I was. No one was going to  tell me I could not do some thing, especially Killer.

I shook my head in agreement.  We got in our cars and pulled out.  As we turned left out of the drive way on to St. Joesph Highway, he got in the left lane to get on to the highway and I got into the right lane to turn towards my nest that was waiting for me.  I looked over towards his car as I pulled up to the intersection.  He looked puzzled. And from the days of my  youth, when I learned I was bi-lingual, I raised  my hand, waving, Ha-di-os  Amigo!

I may have been kicked in the face, but I was not a quitter.  I had never been a quitter and I was not going to start now. I drove to my little piece of heaven and went inside.  I closed the curtains tightly and I sat down to figure out my plan to rise above again. 

I needed a car.  I had to find a car that was affordable and finance it without the benefit of being employed.  I had to sign up for unemployment and I had to get a resume together.  I started scouring the want ads.  It was getting a little easier to find jobs again in insurance, but I was specialized now which made it a little more difficult.

I put my resume together that night in rough draft.  I looked in the paper for cars and I mapped out my journey to find one the next day. 

Killer called me when he got home and read me the riot act.  Again, he reminded me that I had lost my mind and that I needed him, he loved me, it was getting all so old, a broken record that never stopped playing.  I hung up on him.

Michael called. He wondered what had happened.  I told him and he was hurt that I didn't call him first.  I explained that he worked there and I didn't feel right calling him.  Furthermore, I didn't  even know why I called Killer, I just did.

He wanted to come over, but I really just wanted to be alone.  This new chapter that I  had not prepared for had opened wide before me and I needed to figure out where I was going.