Moving on Up to the Windy City

You will recall the many conversations Min had with me, lectures actually about the commitment required in marriage. Her own dedication to John Boy for well over thirty years, noting it was "no cake walk" being married to him. Her firm belief that you work through the thin times and you didn't divorce! How she reminded me that my wedding vows included bringing children into the world and raising them and I could make that right with a "simple" procedure to reverse a tubal ligation. Like any mother, she thought her children were perfect and anyone who was lucky enough to be married to them, should feel truly blessed. I did love her son, more than words could express, but there comes a time in every relationship, that you have to stop being a door mat.

Min always wanted to take her children to Vegas for that "five minutes" of happiness.  We traveled a lot as a family.  We often ended up where there was some place to gamble, but we traveled as a pack.

One particular year, her dream of taking her children to Vegas happened. Sissy was well trained by her mom to demand Wes march to her drum and if he didn't, she'd tell Min and Min would summon Wes to come to the house for a discussion on how he had not only disappointed Sissy, but Min as well.  Why he kept going out there time and time again, is beyond me, but he loved Min and John Boy and his "little beaver" as well, so he tried to keep peace in the family.

I expressed my concerns with Chappy about Min being too involved in her daughter's relationship and that if he ever tried to pull  that shit with me, it was going to hit the fan and some one was going to end up covered in it from head to toe.

I don't think he went to Min like Sissy. I think Min just made it her business to offer commentary on any thing that she did not approve of, whether it affected her or not.

The first day of our trip to Vegas, Wes came in to the room of Min and John Boy's to head out to the casinos.  He looked no different than he usually did. He had on jeans, his cowboy boots and a button down shirt with the American flag on it.  Sissy went ballistic about what he was wearing and insisted he change immediately.  So much like her mom.  Min used to ride John Boy about what he chose to wear to church.  I always had to stand up for John Boy, "Min, God doesn't care what you wear to church, he just wants to see you there."

Of course her response was always the same, "Well, God may not care, by I do and I am the one that counts!" Well, I guess some one died and made Min God, because she reminded me often that it wouldn't hurt me  "to go to church one hour a week" and ask for forgiveness for your sins!  I thought that was what confession was for and she didn't believe in that.

My response was always the same to her, "Min, you spend one hour a week in church and either before or after you head to the casino and drink beer.  I try to live every hour as though I am in church and my church is where ever I happen to be, because God listens to me outside of church as well."  She hated it when I said that and always had to respond.

"You think you're one smart little Cindy don't you?"  What else was she going to say?

But after our trip to Vegas and Wes taking once more a beat down from Sissy and Min about every thing he did, he left Sissy.  Just packed up, left a note and walked out. Similar to my divorce from Killer, he took nothing.  She got the house, the car, every thing.  He got his clothes and his truck and he was happy.

So what was Min going to say now?  Her daughter not only did not get married in the Catholic church, was not able to partake in what I referred to as "cookies and juice," but now she was divorced and not because she wanted it.

Leaving for Vegas!

I could have thrown this in Min's face, but Sissy was crushed and I knew the pain all too well.  She had always struggled with her weight and she lost a lot of it.  She tried to be happy with her new weight loss and thought it was going to last forever.  Min just tore her down.  When she was overweight, Min commented on her watching what she ate, as Min scooped the last scrap of a meal on to Sissy's plate.  Now she was thin and not by choice and Min told her no man was worth not eating.  Never happy, the woman was never happy.

She had to save face, not only with family and friends, but a close knit community, so she came  up with this, "God didn't intend you to be unhappy, so he created divorce."

Wow! Where was this tidbit of wisdom when she was chastising me for leaving a marriage that I was rightfully so, unhappy.  I didn't dish out the crap to Killer, Killer dished it out to Worm and I.  Sissy dished it out to Wes. He left because he was unhappy.  Sissy would have just kept going as if nothing were wrong.

Her reasoning for accepting the rejection was a bit off.  She made it known to all that she "gave him sex three and four times a week."  Gave it to him, like she was feeding an infant.  Not that they as a couple enjoyed it.  Not that their love life was fulfilling, gave it to him.  Apparently it was a chore for her.

She counted off the ways that she did every thing for him.  Some times it is difficult to look in a mirror and see your true self.   Often, we don't want to see who we really are and so we imagine that reflection in the mirror is who we want to be and we believe it.  This was the case with her.  Her own self esteem was so low, she had to make those around her feel lower and like Min, she thought she was doing you a favor by telling you, you needed to improve.

Sissy was a gem.  She'd come down to Indiana and we'd go shopping.  She'd buy all kinds of things.  Most didn't fit her, but the price was so great that she'd buy it for "when I lose weight."  Six months, some times a year later, she'd bring it back down, with the tags still on them, receipt in hand and return it.  It became a joke.  I would suggest on Sunday morning, before they were to leave if we should just take the stuff back now instead of waiting, but she never took me up on it.

She loved the bed pillows I had on my beds. You guessed it, they all wanted a set of their own, so I bought them pillows one year for Christmas.  I had become accustomed to their ways and held on the receipts.  Early on in the marriage, after the  holiday if they raved about their gift, I thought they liked it and threw the receipt away, only to discover in February, they really didn't like it and wanted the receipt to return it.  How can you sleep on pillows and return them to the store?  They did.

Min wanted a red coat one year.  I found one that was her size and she loved it.  Threw the receipt away and in April, after wearing it all winter, she didn't like it and wanted to return it.  I got to the point that I hated the holiday.  it is not like I had to think of gifts, we had to have our "list" made by July so everyone could be doing their shopping.

Christmas gifts were opened Christmas Eve at 7:00 PM. Dinner was at 5:00. At about four in the afternoon, Min had this tradition of giving each of us a gift.  For her kids, it was usually a box of their stuff they had left over from their childhood that she wanted out of the house.  The box was opened, but never left the house.  Wes and I would get a small token gift, usually some game.  This was another year that Wes wasn't around, Sissy's new boyfriend Bill was.

Min's friend, Liz was there drinking beer and playing cards.  Min got up from the card table and asked me to "fetch my camera." I was the official photographer of the five minutes of happiness.  She handed every one a gift, except for me and asked me to snap the photo.

The Non Catholic

Liz asked her where my gift was and Min ignored her.  I laughed and told Liz I was just window dressing.  Bill was Catholic.  Min loved that Sissy was finally dating a Catholic and she loved for all of us to go to church so every one could see her family.

Family Christmas 1998

She made a point that evening to have me take a picture of "her children" and their gifts. The picture was of Chappy, Sissy and Bill.  Bill was not married to Sissy, but he was part of "her children."  I snapped the photo and turned to Liz, who loved a good joke. "Liz, snap a picture of all the non Catholics in the room." and then I posed for my photo. I thought Liz was going to die laughing.  Min didn't find any humor in it.  I just mentioned that I wanted to be sure to have a Kodak moment of yet another priceless holiday at the Schafer's. She must  have understood the message I was sending as when it came time for the annual family photo around the Christmas tree, Bill was excluded. Min asked him to take the picture of "her family."

We had an announcement to make that year. Chappy wanted to make it before I opened my gift from him. A few years prior, Chappy and I were at L. S Ayres in Indianapolis and he took me to the department that fur coats were sold.  I always loved fur coats, but I didn't think the price warranted the purchase of one as how often could you wear it?  As we were descending the upper level on the escalator, Chappy mentioned how he'd love to be able to afford one of those for me.  How sweet.  For a fleeting moment I felt special, but he followed up with, "I'd like to be able to afford one for all the women in my life."

"Really? All of them? Do you  have more than one wife?"

"No, I mean my Mom and Sister." And there you go, even a sweet thought is ruined by the suggestion that I was not worthy of a fur unless he bought every one a coat.  A bit of a sting once again, spewed from my loving husband's mouth.

"Don't you think they could get one if they really wanted one from someone who loved them?"  Silly me! He loved them!

Cindy's Beaver Coat

So that year, we were in Michigan and shopping at the Lansing Mall. We were in Greene's and Chappy wanted me to try on furs just for fun.  When we found one that we both liked, he asked me what I thought. What did he want me to say?

Then he dropped the bomb. "It's time we move to Chicago and you said that you didn't mind moving south, but if we ever moved North, you wanted  a fur, so I'm buying you one."

Just like that.  He had it wrapped up and I was to act surprised when he presented it to me along with the news of yet another promotion.

Sissy and Min were in awe.  Min thought it was a waste of money.  Who wears those?  Well, in Chicago, they wear them to grocery shop in! Both Min and Sissy had to try it on.  Min was eyeing it and I whispered to Chappy, "Don't even think it.  Just once, can I have some thing that is mine and mine alone?"