I had been in Neal's shoes. In fact, I just stepped out of them and put them away. I understood making the decision to become involved was dangerous as he was on the rebound and his heart was not in the right place. I had no expectations of any thing more than dating at this point.
But I knew he had to resolve the issues with this woman who shattered his heart. Similar to my own experience between Michael and Killer. He had to walk through the pain to see the light and decide what was really in his heart.
He called me one day to ask me if I cared whether he had dinner with Kristy. She was having problems with the ending of their relationship and her choice to betray him. We talked about this and he wanted to hear what she had to say. Again, not a jealous bone in my body. I encouraged him to go and have the heart to heart talk. It was necessary to find closure especially when you are on the receiving end. I knew it all too well, as Neal had not given me this opportunity when he betrayed me.
He came over to my little piece of heaven afterwards. I had not expected him to, but he knocked on the door and wanted to talk. They had not gone to dinner, they had gone to a movie. I asked if that was the original plan to go to a movie verses dinner and he said no.
How do you plan to go to dinner to talk and end up going to a movie? I was struggling with this, but it was not my heart that was trying to heal, so I let it go. We were friends, nothing more at this point. Just two people who spent time together.
Our relationship deepened. Neal was still struggling with his heartache. He asked again if I would mind if he went to dinner with Kristy and from my past, I drew upon my own experience. I was not the one to control his destiny. I had no right to tell him what he could or could not do, let alone who he could see. I agreed if he thought talking to her would help both of them, I was fine with his decision.
He again, came over afterwards. I was babysitting Kaitlyn as it was his night to have her. He brought me a single rose. I thought it was such a nice gesture, but he shattered that moment of sweetness by telling me Kristy had given it to him as a peace offering.
The wind was knocked out of my sails. Did he really think this was acceptable to pass this rose onto me that was given to him from her? I told him he could take the rose and his daughter and leave. He was confused over my act of kindness to approve of his meeting with her, but rejecting "his" rose. I explained to him that I fully understood his need to resolve this matter of the heart, but I did not approve of his own betrayal to me. He had once again, gone to a movie with her and not dinner. He said they were talking and I had to remind him that movie theaters do not allow conversations to take place while the film is rolling, so either he was lying about where he was or he thought I was as naive as I was ten years ago.
Three times and your out. He approached me again. He needed someone to watch Kaitlyn while he helped Kristy move. She had lost her job because of her indiscretion. Her boss's wife had discovered the romance in the office and gave her husband an ultimatum. He fired Kristy and she was no longer able to afford her home, so she needed help moving and she called Neal.
We had been back in each other's life two months and my experience so far was not heart warming at all. I suggested that he take time for himself and figure out what he really wanted. Again, drawing from my own experience, I knew how difficult it was to be torn between your past and your future.
He wasn't gone long. He called to inform me that he had made his decision and he wanted to move forward with me. I asked what had happened that he made this choice when just a week ago he was so torn. He told me he had moved Kristy into an apartment and had gone over one day at lunch to surprise her. He was the one on the end of the surprise as she was with her former boss. They ended the "office" romance, they just moved it to her new apartment, that he was paying for. Neal's heart was more than shattered at this point as once again, he had trusted and been betrayed.
We were out one evening and I saw this car in the sales lot. It was beautiful and I wanted to stop and look at it. We were at the Mercury dealer. It was April 30, 1989. The car was a 1989 Mercury Cougar. I was driving a 1984 Mercury Cougar that I just loved, but this new style turned my head.
I took it for a test drive and fell in love with it! One must understand that I have tremendous skills at negotiating, it is some thing I do every day in my job. The other thing you must know is what my Mother always said about me, "If bullshit were music, you'd be a whole brass band." I was full of it when I needed to pull it out of my arsenal of tricks to land a deal I wanted.
It was the end of the month, end of the quarter and I knew enough about sales that this day was the day to buy a car if I wanted one bad enough. I sat and bull shitted with this salesman for three hours over the price of this car. We were having a lot of fun bantering back and forth. Neal sat there and didn't say a word. We were down to the last exchange when I asked for floor mats. I wanted the car for the price we had agreed on, but I wanted floor mats for the car.
The salesman was about to throw the towel in. It was 9:00 at night and the dealer ship was closing. This was the moment, make the sale, or walk away. He left to talk to the sales manager and came back with a big grin on his face.
"You can have the floor mats! You drive a hard bargain, Cindy!"
It wasn't a long drawn out hug, it was a hug, thank you, that was it. We got in the car and before I could even pull out of the lot, Neal looked at me with disappointment written across his face.
I was on a high! I just made a fantastic deal and was driving a spanking brand new ride!
"Can you believe that? That was so much fun!" I was giddy with excitement.
His response was unexpected.
"Why did you hug him? Do you hug all car salesman when you buy a car?"
I almost ran the car into a telephone pole! Are you serious? You are asking me why I hugged the salesman?
I reminded him that I did not initiate the hug, the salesman drew me in when I extended my hand. It was nothing, but to Neal, it was every thing.
He was upset with me. He didn't care that I bought a new car. He didn't care that I spent all night doing it, he was upset that I hugged this salesman.
I tried to reason with him. I was happy. I had fun negotiating this deal. We were joking around. He was there. It was all innocent fun.
"Did you have to ask for the floor mats?"
You have got to be out your mind! This is about floor mats or hugging?
Again, I found myself reasoning that why wouldn't I ask for floor mats? They were expensive. I just bought a brand new car, I wanted everything I could get!
He thought I had overstepped a boundary by asking for floor mats. Was I going to walk away if he didn't give me the floor mats? Why did I have to ask for floor mats?
I thought about turning on the overhead light to see if the person interrogating me was possessed by the Devil. What was it about men that drove them to the edge when I bought a car? Did he think that I should have asked for his help?
I was buying the car, not him. I didn't see why I would have even asked him to "help" me buy the car. It was my money. We were not married nor were we serious enough where we pooled money to buy things. This was my decision and mine alone.
He pouted all the way home. I couldn't help myself. The rage inside me was on fire! How dare him question my actions of a simple hug!
As we were heading home, in silence, I quietly said, "At least I hugged him in front of you. I didn't hide behind a fantasy dinner! Do you think I believed for one moment that you "talked" at the movies? Do you think for one moment I believed you when you said you needed to help her move? How can someone crush your heart and you turn to comfort them. I don't recall that compassion when you crushed mine."
I dropped him at his apartment and drove home. This wasn't a good idea to get involved with him again. He was wounded and I was going to be the punching bag. I deserved better. I was no longer the nineteen year old who worked to support him while he played golf, bowled and went to school. No, that girl died a long time ago. The day he walked out of her life when she was pregnant and he never looked back.
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