During our first year of marriage, we struck a deal. My parents were in Florida from October to April. So every holiday with the exception of Thanksgiving, we spent at the Schafer's. We were there for every birthday. My parents birthdays fell during the period they were in Florida, so I didn't get to spend their birthdays with them. My birthday, they were in Florida, so seeing them was not an option.
I would agree to all holidays, but Mother's Day and Father's Day, I wanted to spend with my parents. The first Mothers Day approached, May 1993, we went up north to see my parents. They had been back in Michigan for about a month. We went out and played golf, had a cookout and played cards. It was a great weekend. Even my Mother, enjoyed herself and mentioned to Chappy she felt she had gained a son.
We left early enough that we could drive back home and see Min for a little bit on Mothers Day. It wasn't enough. She was quick to point out that she was Chappy's mother and we should be spending it with her. I told her that we had compromised holidays and my parents were not always around. She, didn't have to share us on every holiday. She was not having it.
She got Chappy to the side and laid the guilt trip on him. From that day forward, he went to see his mother on Mother's day and I drove to Houghton Lake to see mine. When we moved out of State, we'd drive to Westphalia on a Friday night, I'd drop him off and drive up to Houghton Lake, sometimes not getting in until midnight. I'd spend the day on Saturday and part of Sunday, driving back to pick up Chappy, visiting for a few hours and driving back home.
She wasn't happy with that. She did not see why I couldn't visit on Friday night as well. I pointed out it was a six hour drive, but took me seven dropping him off in Westphalia. Chappy asked me to consider staying the night and driving up early on Saturday. I did, but she still was not happy that I didn't stay the whole weekend and I was not happy that she insisted Chappy could not travel with me to see his in laws. There was no winning with this woman.
Father's Day, my folks would come visit us, so it was easy to say we couldn't come home and John Boy didn't care whether we drove to Westphalia or not on that particular day.
Min was a strong woman. She liked things her way and if her children did not accommodate her every desire, she did not mix her words when she reminded them that she dropped every thing for them, she expected the same in return. The difference? They didn't ask her to drop everything, she just did.
In 1995, for my thirty fifth birthday, Chappy bought me diamond earrings. I had always wanted a pair, but I loved to change my earrings every day and I thought I'd feel obligated to wear the diamonds every day. I didn't want to double pierce my ears either. They really were a surprise!
When we went home, Chappy again had to point out what he bought me for my birthday. Min wanted to know if they were real, "of course!" She put in her order to Chappy, he could buy her a pair for Christmas that year!
Could I have any thing that was just mine? On our way home he expressed her desire again, noting he did not know how he was going to buy her earrings for Christmas. I was surprised he was even contemplating this demand of hers.
I suggested we buy her a really nice pair of CZ earrings. She wouldn't know the difference unless she had them tested. He didn't know if he should do that, she wanted the real thing. "Let your dad buy them for her."
He wasn't buying it. I told him if he bought her diamond earrings, I'd be beside myself, first the leather coat, then the Coach purse, now diamond earrings. Who did he marry, me or her?
He agreed, if I could find some CZ studs, that looked real, we could give her those for Christmas. Now, you can buy cheap and you can buy expensive, so I found a pair of moderately priced earrings, put them in the jewelry box that mine came in and wrapped them up.
She had no clue. She opened them that Christmas morning and just beamed, her Chappy had bought her diamonds. Every time some one stopped in to wish us a Merry Christmas, she was ever so proud to show them off and brag. Inside, I was chuckling, if she only knew.
I sat at the counter later and again, she pointed out, "Aren't my earrings just beautiful, they shine as much as yours." I would be lying if I didn't think it, "Yes, but mine are real, yours? Not so much." I couldn't tell her, but every time I looked at them, I got a little bit of satisfaction knowing, I had some thing she didn't.
My father in law was a kind man. I don't know how he put up with Min, but I'd guess, he ignored her. Once in a while, he'd put his foot down hard and Min marched to the beat of his drum, but most times, he just did what she said, it was just simpler that way.
John Boy always carried a tape measure with him. He had a project going on all the time. He called his tape measure his Yo-Yo and his wrist watch, his Mickey Mouse. I loved my father in law. He was just a neat guy. I loved Min too, but she made it difficult some days.
The house they lived in was the house Min grew up in and they had remodeled it over the years. Behind the house was a huge old barn. They had aluminum siding installed and inside was John Boy's shop. He had every machine and tool you could imagine. The walls were papered in old Stroh's beer cardboard cartons from years ago. It was his "man cave" before that word even existed.
The first Christmas we were together, I bought him house numbers for his barn. We all knew Min ruled the house, so I bought the numbers 219 and 1/2. He loved it! Once, we were in Mackinaw Island and I saw a decorative sign that you could have a message routed out in. One of the displays had the last name of the couple in big letters and then above the name, you had the couple's first name. So, in this case, the name Min and John Boy were routed out with Schafer in big letters across the center, but down on the bottom, in smaller letters, it said, "but mostly Min." Meaning, it was their house, but Min really ruled the roost.
Chappy and I died laughing. This was perfect for his parents. It was so true, so we ordered one and picked it up later. We wrapped it up and the next time we saw them, presented it to them. John Boy loved it! He didn't waste a minute mounting that sign over the garage. Min, she was upset.
"Is this what you think? You think I rule this house? You have no idea how difficult my life is? OH, you all think John Boy has it so bad, but you don't know...blah, blah, blah." She let us have it and then she turned to Chappy, "Was this your idea? You think this is funny?"
How a man can turn on you so fast, "I told Cin not to buy it, you wouldn't like it, but she bought it anyway."
The next time we visited, the sign was up, but Min had made John Boy take it down and cut off the "but mostly Min" part. The neighbors had all seen it and she took quite a lot of kidding over it, she was not happy about it at all.
I would have done anything for John Boy. He had his moments, but he was just John. I took a cake decorating class while living in Indiana. I needed some thing to do since Chappy was never home. I baked John a cake for his birthday one year, he just loved it. It was a rare moment that you could touch John Boy's heart, but that year I scored a home run.
We had been in our home for nine month's when Chappy came home to inform me he had been promoted. He would be working in Shaumburg, Illinois. I thought my world had fallen out from underneath me.
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| John Boy and his Cake |
I had only been at Lumbermen's for five months. I had not gained enough experience to sell myself as a manager. I didn't want to pack up again and move. The cost of living was 33% higher than Indianapolis and this "promotion" did not have a salary increase attached to it. Chappy was very tight lipped about the details, but it gave him more exposure. Instead of being an Account Representative in the State of Indiana, this opened him up to a National Account Representative with a very large territory.
I was not ready to move again. He was going to be gone even more. He would never be in the office, so why couldn't he fly out of Indianapolis instead of Chicago, it'd be cheaper. I laid out a list of pros for staying in Fishers and he agreed as did his employer. When he had to be in the office in Illinois, they would put him up in a hotel. But, eventually, we'd have to move.
The move for him was immediate. He hit the tarmac flying. He left Monday mornings and would come home Friday nights, unpack, do laundry, pack and be gone again. Our weekends continued to be shared with Min and John Boy as well as Sissy, whether we were in Indiana or Michigan. It was rare that we had a weekend to just ourselves.
In early 1995, I flew down to see my parents for my Dad's birthday. I had not noticed that I was acting any differently, but I knew I was sad. I flew back home and Chappy confronted me about my "moods." Something was wrong with me and I needed to do some thing about it. His mom had brought it to his attention. Apparently she saw more of me than he did and she sensed a change in my demeanor and told Chappy he needed to do some thing about it.
I went to the doctor. I was just not myself. I didn't have a regular doctor, but I found one who was taking new patients and he was just down the street from where we lived. I walked in his office one day in June and he asked me how I was. I fell apart. I cried my eyes dry. He wanted to know if anything major had happened in my life recently, "No, nothing at all."
He started drilling it down. Yes, major changes had occurred and I was oblivious to them. I had gotten married, I had moved and I had started a new job all in a matter of 18 months. He diagnosed me with clinical depression and prescribed some medication. He assured me I'd be feeling better within thirty days.
Depression? Me? I couldn't believe it, but he had shared with me that major lifestyle changes can trigger it, it was very normal. I called my Mom when I got home and she was curious about what the doctor had said, but when I was all done explaining it to her, she told me that I didn't "need to be on those pills, shit happens and you deal with it." Thanks, once again for your love and support.
I told Chappy but I didn't want to tell anyone else, especially after seeing how my own mother reacted. He shared it with Min, he had to, she was the one who accused me of being crazy in the first place.
Chappy wanted to know what he could do and I told him that his never being home was hard on me. We never had time alone and I needed him. He took three days off and we took a long weekend to southern Indiana.
The weekend before our road trip, Min and John Boy came to visit. The men were out in the yard working on a project and so Min had her moment to counsel me. "Chappy tells me you went to the doctor."
"Yes, I did."
"He tells me they diagnosed you with depression and put you on medication."
"Yes, they did." I didn't want to talk about this. I was having enough problems of my own, I didn't need her contributing to them more.
"Does this run in your family? I've read it runs in families, we don't have it in ours. What did the doctor want to do?"
Was this any of her business? I told her about the medication and how long before it would kick in. I told her I was looking forward to going away with Chappy next weekend and I shared some of my frustrations with never seeing him.
Just like my mother, she told me I had nothing to be depressed over. I had it all. Hell, I was married to Chappy, wasn't that enough? She told me to go on that little vacation and leave those pills at home. Get over this, you aren't depressed and those pills aren't going to do a thing for you. She wanted me to hand them over so she could dispose of them. I could see that I'd have to fight this alone. I knew once she got a hold of Chappy's ear, it'd be over.
I didn't ask for this. I wasn't weak that I needed to fake a condition to get attention, I just needed this to tide me over until I adjusted to this new life and all the changes.
Chappy and I took off for our four day weekend a few days later. Min had gotten to him. We had a wonderful trip just driving the back roads. We stopped and played golf, we shopped in quaint little towns, we saw a lot of covered bridges, we visited parks and hiked, we just spent time together with no other family in the back ground.
Our second day out, he brought it up. "Mom tells me you don't need to take those little pills, so you need to stop."
I had been taking them for about a month and I was just starting to feel alive again. I hadn't realized how deep I had fallen. "Your mom, she doesn't know everything."
"You don't give my mom enough credit. She's a wise woman, you'd benefit from listening to her and doing what she says."
"Yeah, well that ain't ever gonna happen." The conversation ended. I was going to have to fight this on my own and that was ok with me, I fought for everything else on my own, always had, why should it be any different.
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