You Must Learn from Your Mistakes

In July 1989, Personal Shopper sent me a letter. She was curious about me and wondered if I would meet  her to talk about Killer. She gave me her contact information and asked me to not share with Killer that she had reached out to me. I knew that feeling all too well. That fear of independent thinking behind Killer's back.  I called her and agreed to meet. We met at the same restaurant that Killer and I had shared many a breakfast and lunch at in the early years of our marriage.

My first glimpse of her, several months earlier, when I came to the house had not registered in my mind.  She sat in a booth, so young and naive, almost innocent looking.  I introduced myself.  I sensed she had not started her training yet with Killer as she was very shy and reserved. She did not sit up in the booth, she did not make much eye contact and she spoke very softly.

I could tell that she wanted to meet me but she had no idea what to say to me. I asked her how Killer and his buddies were doing.  I knew that would be enough to open the door for her to take flight on this quest for information.

She lite up when she talked about Killer and the buddies.  Her eyes beamed with admiration for this man. I remember those days, early in the relationship that I appeared the same way.

She told me that she loved Killer very much but that she felt threatened by me and so she had to meet me to see who I was.  I didn't understand why she would feel threatened by me, I was no longer a part of Killer's life.

She stated that he spoke about me all the time. He compared her to me and told her she needed to do things this way or that way, "like my Beadie used to do." 

She told me that he put me on this pedestal and she did not think she would ever replace me.  She struggled with this and he didn't seem to understand that she was not me.  

She looked at me and said, "I can't compete with you.  Look at you! You're beautiful and you look like you own the world. I'll never be like you.  Why did you leave him?"

I saw this young girl in  front of me who was on the edge of being shattered for not being what Killer expected her to be.  She wanted to please him and yet she had this woman from his past that she had to compete with.  A woman she had never met but had heard so much about.

I told her how Killer and I had  met.  I mentioned Mollie and her untimely death. I shared with her in retrospect that he remarried too soon and had not healed from her passing. I didn't share with her the horror that Worm and I encountered.  I felt that if there was not a child involved, why bring this matter up.

I commented on all the things that drove me crazy about him. How he was so controlling and insisted on being waited on hand and foot.  I spoke of  intimate moments that either frightened me or pushed me over the edge. But I confided in her that these were things that built up over time that came crashing down and I could no longer stay. I had mentioned things that even Killer was unaware of. I was brutally honest with her to a point.

I reminisced of how difficult it was to leave and the two years that followed, the joy and heartache. She held on to every word I whispered and when I was finished she asked me if I still loved him.

"I will always carry a piece of Killer in my heart.  He was my first true love, but if you are asking am I still in love with him, the answer is no."

She was looking down at the table as I disclosed this bit of information.  I was confident this was the reason she really wanted to  meet.  When I finished, she looked up at me and said, "I love him and I plan on marrying him some day so don't think you will ever get him back."

The conversation was over.  I looked at her, this young girl who was nervous and unsure of herself.  "How old are you?"

She replied that she was 24. She was twenty one years younger than Killer. Five years younger than I was.  He liked them fresh so he could mold them.

"Sarah, I have  no intention of ever returning to Killer, ever.  He is all yours to have and if he ever puts me on a pedestal again, knock me off and take it over. It is all up to you with how you handle Killer.  Don't be his puppet."

I reached for the check and got up to leave. I turned to take one more look at this young woman who was fearful that I wanted Killer back and she'd lose out on some thing bigger than life.  "Good luck to you and I  wish you two the best."

I paid for our lunch and drove back to my little piece of heaven and called Killer. I told him that she had reached out to me and that he was not to say a word to her about our meeting or this call.  I speculated she'd be home shortly so I'd make this quick.

"...she loves you very much and you need to understand that she is very young.  Stop comparing her to  me and love her for who she is. I am never coming back and she is your chance to feel loved again.  Don't blow it."

His response was not expected. "Thanks Beadie, for every thing but especially for meeting with her. I'm not surprised she contacted you." He was so soft spoken. Perhaps he was surprised that she reached out and he realized he may lose her as well.

"Don't worry, I didn't tell her every thing. I just told her why I left and that I'd never come back. Be good to her."

"I will.  And I won't mention this call.  Thanks again."

We hung up.  They were married after they had lived together for a year. They flew to Vegas and took a chance on love. It was a roll of the dice.  She was very young and he just took bride number four to the alter. Their marriage lasted three years.

I got a call one day at work. It was shortly after Christmas. "How was your Christmas?

"Personal shopper left me.  Can you meet me to talk?"

Some things never change.  Killer was one of those people who couldn't learn from his past.  I had not spoken to him in over two years.  "Sure, let me know when and where.

I had a hard time believing she had left. She was so determined that day we met.  She made it clear that he was hers and I would not stand a chance of winning his heart back.  It didn't take her long to see the true colors of Killer. 

Killer and I met in 1992 for dinner. We had a nice chat and he told me all about Personal Shopper.  I saw history repeating itself again.  I pointed out to him that he had to understand when you loved someone so young, they were experiencing life for the first time and to be so stringent in what you would or would not do was going to keep him from finding love again.

He was so  heart broken but any feelings I ever had for this man were completely gone.  He was just somebody that I used to love.