I Promised You a Rose Garden, What did I Get in Return?

Killer didn't blink an eye as I sat there and listed all the reasons I was leaving.  But I could see in his eyes that I was slowly ripping  his heart a little piece at a time.  With each confession I could see the knife turning in his heart. I could see the pain deepen  in his eyes.  He had no idea that so much bothered me.  I told him I was not allowed a voice so how  would he know. 

He said he always believed in me. He told me that I wasn't worthy of any job that I  had applied for because he knew if he told me I couldn't do something, I'd prove him them wrong and he was teaching me that I  needed to fight for every thing I wanted in life. Things were not handed to you on a silver platter, you had to fight for every thing you desired, no matter what it was.

I reminded him of the time shortly after we were married and playing golf at the Central Michigan's Adjuster Association outing that his cronies were disrespectful toward me and when I told him, he did nothing.  I expected him to stand up for me when men were assholes.  He told me that I was beautiful and men would hit on me all the time. I needed to learn to be strong and stand up to them,  putting them in their place.  He was building confidence in me. I told him that was not a way to teach that lesson to me.  I had reached out to him at that moment to say something to these good old boys that he knew and to stand up for me.  I had never had a man stand up for me and he was my husband, I expected him to protect me from these rude comments. He didn't see it that way. He saw that I was young and that he would not always be there to protect me, so he needed to teach me to stand tall and be proud. That is why he pushed me to stand up straight, look people in the eye and speak with confidence, like I owned the room or space that I stood in. He groomed me to be who sat before him in that moment.

I told him that I wanted to live life and travel.  He didn't  like to travel, I knew that.  Yes, I did know that, but that was after we were married.  We traveled before we got  married and he reminded me that he had promised me a whirlwind romance and he gave that to me, but he didn't promise me one afterwards, on the other hand, I had promised to never leave him and here we sat, I was leaving him and who was the one that should be upset? Not me. He held up his end of the bargain.  I was breaking my promise to him. He was the one that should be angry that I was not living up to my word.  My word meant nothing.   Note to self, when they are down, cut them off at the knees and weaken them more.

He said that he knew the night that I called him from that conference, with laughter on my breath and a school girl giddiness in my voice that he has lost his "little girl."  I belonged to the world that night and was no longer his.  He knew that I was out of his reach and I'd be tempted to taste the things that  he had tried to protect me from.  He always loved me.  He always came home to me.  I though, couldn't say that now, could I?   The guilt slathered on with his words made my shoulders slump.

I had struggled with this.  I knew I had made this promise and it was at the core of why I had such a difficult time deciding to do what I had to do for me. We talked for a couple of hours like we  had never talked before, ever.  Heart to heart.  Bearing our soul to each other and then it became very quiet and he got up and walked out of the room. 

I sat there, tears in  my eyes.  I had hurt him so much and I had no intentions of shattering his world.  He loved me.  I knew that.  He put me on this pedestal and worshiped  me. He was right, he had promised me a whirl wind romance and he showered me with one.  He had told me I was voted most likely to succeed with Killer on a tropical island and he took me to a tropical island, the fact that it had been blown away by a hurricane just months before was not his fault.
He promised me that he would always love me and I knew that he did, but he was Killer and as he had told me time and time again, he was too old to change, he was who he was.  I would have to change. 

I got up to go find him. He was standing in the kitchen looking out the window.  I came up behind him and placed my hand on his shoulder, I felt terrible, but I am sure he felt worse.  He turned sharply at my touch and the  look in his eyes was no longer hurt or love, it was hate.  He went in to the dining room and took my car keys from my purse, he took the keys to every car parked in that driveway and he walked out without a word.  

I didn't know where he was going, but I knew I was going to be staying there as  he had made sure I had no way to leave unless it was on foot.  I was empty.  Nothing was flowing through my veins. I didn't feel anything, but I knew whenever he returned, he would be King again. 

I picked up the phone and called my partner in crime from high school.  I told her what had happened, that my marriage was over and we talked briefly.  I heard the rumble of the BMW pull up in the driveway.  I quickly said good-bye and prepared to face the Devil as he walked through the door with a vengeance.