You are Mine, Act like it!

When was I going to learn, I did not walk out on Killer.  I did not use  vulgar language when I addressed him and I did not rule my world, not in Killer's mind. I left the restaurant.  I am not even sure how my feet carried me to my car.  I expected him to follow me, close on my heels to put me in my place, but he didn't.  Was I surprised?  No.  It would have been too risky to take a chance that I might lose my mind and unleash my fury on him. My eyes filled with tears and my heart was racing.  Why? Why did I continue to put myself in his line of fire? Was I weak? Did I still love him? Did I feel sorry for putting him through this pain? Did I feel guilty for not holding up my promise to never leave him? Did I feel responsible for his life of love that was lost time and time again? 

I drove home.  I was exhausted.  Every time I met with him, I walked away drained of emotion. Tired of the same old conversation. Tired of the dance. I was worthy, I wasn't worthy. I was beginning to think he was right, if I just returned, this would end.  Life would just go on. But deep inside I knew it would just be a matter of time before I started plotting to leave again.  

I remembered how difficult it was to make that decision.  How difficult it was to break the news to him. Could I do it again if I had to? No. I'd stay regardless of how unhappy I was. I knew I could never return to just make Killer happy, but was he right?  Had I not given our marriage an opportunity.

The day I had told him I was leaving, he asked me what I wanted? I told him that I thought we needed space to reevaluate our relationship.  I felt that we had grown apart and we needed to get back to that happy place. I didn't think I could do it living there, still going through the motions of married life.  I felt if we lived apart and we had time to really work on the issues that drove us apart, we might be able to reconcile.

Being newly weds and dealing with a teenager was enough stress to pull any couple apart.  We never discussed raising a child and what our parenting styles were.  We didn't discuss any thing regarding Worm's upbringing. He made it clear that she was not mine to make those decisions.

Would things have been different had we not had this third party to deal with? I would have never seen that side of Killer. But I knew if it wasn't Worm, there would have been other issues and you cannot rewrite history. He was who he was and he was not going to change.

He looked at me that day as I explained this to him and he laughed. "So you want to date? Beadie, we're married, I already dated you and I am not going to do it again. You are my wife." 

Those words echoed in my heart. He had no intention of "working" on this relationship. He made it clear that day.  We were married.  He was who he was and he was not changing.  So why was he not moving on? He clearly stated he was not interested in working on it that day when I suggested we needed to work on reconnecting as a couple.

He didn't waste a minute to tell me what I could take or not take. He didn't fight that day when I told him I was leaving. He didn't fight to keep me there, he let me go and the message was he didn't love me.  Why didn't he put up this fight when I was there, living under the same roof? Why did he let me walk out. Why didn't he take a stand back then and refuse to let me leave. Demand that we talk about it right there and then until the air was cleared.  Why didn't he fight for me? He let me go without a word.

He had so much to lose. He lost his pride. He had to tell people we were no longer together. He lost his servant. Who would pick out his clothes, hang them up, do the laundry, cook the meals, bring him his coffee and wait on him hand and foot? He was still in the picture because he realized in my absence he lost every thing and he was not interested in starting over, so he was going to fight to get back what he thought he was entitled to. 

By the time I drove home, my answering machine was full. Full of hatred, full of love, full of reasons for me to run, but full of Killer reminding me that he was not done with me.