Is This as Good as it Gets? I Hope Not

The drive home took days, or so it seemed in my mind. It was either extremely quiet, or obnoxiously boring with yada, yada, yada playing in my ear.   We stopped at all the same places going home, yet neither of us said a word.

Killer dropped me off at my little piece of heaven.  He had wanted me to go home with him, but it had been a long day after a pleasant week. I had a lot on my mind.

We had stopped to see my parents while we were in  Florida.  I had forewarned my Mother of my traveling companion and she did not disappoint me with her response.  To their credit, they played into this charade as well, acting like nothing was different.  No one acted any different than we would have  a year and a half ago. There was no tension or uneasiness, we just stepped through the visit as though life continued as Mr. and Mrs.

At work I was finishing up training all the staff in Lansing and Southfield. I had become acquainted with some of the staff, but I have always been one to keep my social circle very tight.

I had become friendly with a woman who had been an adjuster and promoted to supervisor.  She and a few of the people who hired in when I did would often get together for small parties. I would have considered her a "friend." Unfortunately a lesson taught to my by Killer would soon be learned over and over again, "You don't have friends, you have acquaintances."

My twenty eighth birthday was approaching.  Michael had found a job with another insurance company in March.  He had been in touch with me after I returned from Florida.  I had told him about my trip and mixed emotions with Killer.  He was different now that he was employed, not always sneaking around watching me. 

Michael was still living in East Lansing but his territory was quite large.  We were in the Detroit area together in the  month of March.  I was training and he was making sales calls.  We met a few times for dinner and as always, we headed out dancing.  No matter what I say about Michael, we always had a great time when we were together.  As long as he didn't bring up Killer.

I returned to the office the day after my birthday from a three week stay in Southfield.  Tina Marie had told me there was a surprise in my office waiting for me.  I rounded the corner and Déjà vu! My office was filled with balloons!

Twenty eight birds of paradise from "the buddies."  Killer's collection of stuffed animals.  Tina Marie had told me he had been in the office on my birthday to deliver my gift.  He had delivered them himself and left them floating in my office for my return. 

Again, my heart ached.  This man who could squeeze the life out of my soul, could turn my heart to mush at times. He just kept trying so hard, but every time we would get together, little by little, I'd see the old Killer breaking through his new shiny shell.  Glimpses of the one who owned me and  always would. 

28th birthday

He had called to see if I had gotten my surprise and tell me how much he loved me.  He always ended his calls, "Love you, Little Girl, when are you coming home?" and I'd always say nothing.

My actual birthday had been spent in Detroit with Michael. It was another Déjà vu moment as well. We had plans to go out for dinner and dancing, but he became upset that I would not commit to this relationship.  He had found a job, like I had asked and now I was still rejecting his offer of marriage and a better life. We spent the night all dressed up driving around the Detroit suburbs while I listened to Michael lecture me on how he thought I should live my life, with him.

I wish I knew I had these powers!  I would just mention some thing and once they accomplished it, they thought their prayers had been answered.  I didn't say, "get a job and I'll marry you,"  I said, "you'd be better off getting a job so you don't have so much idle time." to follow me!  Big difference in my book!

Second Hand Rose 

Kick off the Summer

My life didn't change.  It was 1988 and I was still caught between a rock and a hard place. It was May 21, 1988 and I was hosting party number two, "Kick off the Summer." I won second place that year in the Newberry Community for having the prettiest flowers.  The Farmer's had a contest for all  residents who wanted to spruce up their little yard and patios.  I  won fifty dollars!

The summer was spent boating.  Michael and his speed boat, Killer and his sail boat. I spent most of the summer with Michael though.  November rolled around and it was party time again, " The Party Diner" rolled in the holidays.

The Party Diner

Christmas was here.  Michael was thinking of moving to Rochester Hills, Michigan.  He'd lost his job again.  There were no opportunities for him in Lansing. He wanted me to go with him.  I did not see opportunities for me in Michael and we parted our ways. For good.

Killer had invited me to his company's Christmas party. He had always included me when his company had events.  Some times I'd attend and other times I'd decline.  He never spoke poorly of me.  I attended the Christmas Party and heard all the wonderful stories of how much he loved me. I wasn't feeling it though.

I had driven over to his house ready to go to the gala event.  I thought I looked lavishing in my cobalt blue jumpsuit and shoes to match, decked out in rhinestones! Killer did not share that same feeling.  I walked in the door and the look of disappointment hung on his face. 

He knew Michael was moving and I had ended the relationship. Perhaps he was smelling victory in his heart, thinking I would come to my senses soon and everything would return to normal at the homestead. Or he may have just been, Killer, in Technicolor!


"Beadie, what do you have on?"

The days of my Mother questioning me, "what have you been up to?" flashed through my mind. Did I respond as I would naturally, "clothes" and then run like hell or what?  I knew this was a test and I was going to fail it.

"It's called a jumpsuit!" I chirped like a bird ready to take flight for her life.

"It looks like you have on slacks and you know how I feel about women wearing slacks. So you need to go home and change into some thing more appropriate, because I wear the balls in this family, not you."

Killer, Killer, Killer, when are  you going to learn? You don't rule me any longer.

"Well, I can go home and change, but it'll be into my pajamas and you'll be going alone tonight. I am not driving across town to change my clothes because you think you wear the balls in this family."

I grabbed my crotch as crudely as a man does, " In my family, on the west side of town, I wear the balls and these balls aren't changing for you."

We went to the party.  The tension between us as thick as fog rolling in off the water. But as only Henshaw's could do, we acted like we were on top of the world, together as one, until the night was over and we returned to our separate nests.