The Mind is the First Thing to Go and Everything Else Follows

I knew that sound all too well. I especially remembered it the day I told  him I was leaving and he walked out taking all the car keys with him.  As I sat there talking to my partner in crime on the phone, I heard the windows rattle from the vibrations of the engine in the BMW. 

He had modified his 3 series with the M (Motorsport) engine, used in BMW's racing programs.  He had rebuilt the suspension and transmission to allow the car to handle racing conditions and it rumbled when he drove it, the vibrations from the sound of the engine literally could be felt long before the car could be seen.

I heard it coming as I laid there in bed with Michael.  He was oblivious to the sound, but my ears had been accustomed to that sound for some  time now.  He pulled into the parking area and backed in so his headlights shined on Michael's condo.  The sliding glass door in his bedroom that looked out onto the pavement reverberated the rumbling of the idle engine.  Killer revved the motor, it was his  way of letting me know, he had arrived.  The  headlights flashed from high to low beam, dancing off the glass of the window that stood between us. 

My stomach was in knots.  Michael wanted to know what was wrong.  He had no idea it was Killer out there in the parking area.  I got up and got dressed.  "I  have to go."   Michael looked confused.  What had just  happened that all of a sudden I was fleeing the scene of a perfect evening together.  All I could say was I had to go, now! The phone rang and my  stomach dropped. Michael answered it.   I could hear Killer on the other end, "Put my wife on the phone."

Michael held the phone away, looking at me in utter amazement. "You knew it was him?"  Quietly, I looked at the window, knowing what was behind those blinds, "Yes, I have to go."

Michael refused to let me go.  He and Killer exchanged words, unpleasant words and Killer called me every thing in the book except a frightened white woman. Michael hung up on him and turned to me, "Are you  crazy? Do you think things are going to change if you walk out there right now?"

Did he not know, I'd lost my mind! Yes, I was crazy and yes, I knew walking out there was not going to change things, but I also knew staying inside would only make things worse. Killer sat out there for well over an hour, waiting for me.  Calling every few  minutes hoping some one would pick up that phone. It was well after midnight when he left.  I heard the car leave and the sound of  the motor disappear as he returned to the homestead just three miles away.

I sat there in the dark, ready to face him, shivering from  fear that I would never be free of  him. He was not going to make this easy on me. Michael was a nervous type.  He smoked cigarettes. He lit one  up as he stood in the window watching Killer leave.  "Is this what you want?  To live in fear all of the time."  He had noticed the change in me since I had reconnected with Killer.  I looked over my shoulder more.  I didn't want to go out in the East Lansing area for fear I  would see him.  He was following me.  He knew where I lived, where I worked, what my new routine was and he was two steps behind me, just like when we were married, watching every  movement and tracking my steps.

I couldn't take it any longer.  Michael was pressuring me to sever all ties.  Killer was begging me to give him a second chance, but no one cared, not even me,  about what Cindy wanted or needed.

I continued to travel and I welcomed it once more.  Freedom from Michael and Killer.  Michael knew my schedule. We  worked for the same employer and all he would have to do was call my secretary and she'd give him my itinerary.

I was expected to be at a trial in Saginaw.  I couldn't drive there. I was a complete basket case. I called the attorney representing the hospital member and I told him I would be available by phone if he needed me and to call me with the results.  This was the same attorney who thought he knew what I needed that one August night at Boyne Mountain.

No one  knew where I was.  No one knew I had crawled in a hole and curled up wanting my freedom from this lover's triangle that I did not want to be a part of, but was smack dab in the middle of it. 

I spent the day in my apartment, curtains closed tightly.  I had moved my car to the back of the property where it would not be spotted.  My unit was right up front.  It could be seen from several directions as it sat on the corner of a busy intersection.  I didn't want Michael to see my car if he went to lunch and drove by that way, as it was the path you would take to get to the restaurants in the area.   I just wanted to be left alone.

I had to cover all my bases.  Make it appear that  I did not hole up in my nest that day. No one would know that I was unraveling and falling apart. I had been trained by the best.  No matter what happened inside that little nest of mine, when I opened the door and walked out, I was a completely different person.  A few weeks later, I lost my job at MHA because I hid from the world that day when I was supposed to be working. I now was unemployed and within a month, without transportation. I had lost my mind.