We woke up December 31, 2004. Bill wasn't working that day and it was my last day at my employers. I had suggested he go back to the doctor to see why this flu kept handing on and he asked me to go with him. We didn't rush that morning, we laid in bed and talked, made love and had some breakfast. We weren't expecting our lives to change so drastically.
He wanted to go to the Emergency Room in Hendericks County. It was quite a drive, but we headed that way. I had not been in an emergency room in years and was surprised at how modern they were. Sliding glass doors verses a cotton sheet hung like a shower curtain. Flat screen televisions in every room while you waited. It was such an upgrade from the days I had been in emergency rooms. You were given some privacy so your neighbors didn't have to hear you moaning and groaning or sharing your medical history. Had there been a mini bar, I'd have felt like I was staying at the Holiday Inn.
We checked in and they took us to one of these private "suites." The room looked out on to the nurse's station. They gave Bill some contrast dye to drink as they were going to wheel him off for a CT scan. Soon after he finished it, they came in and off he went. He wasn't gone long and when he returned he was as green as the concoction he had to drink. The nurse handed me a plastic cup that was the size of a large cottage cheese container, "In case he gets sick." She no more than slid the door shut and he cut loose.
Now, I'm not a nurse, but I was thinking if you drank 64 ounces of this green slime, you could expect 64 ounces to come back up, she handed me a 24 ounce cup. I was catching slime and looking for more cups as he was tossing up this green juice. Just when we would think he was done, his gills would turn green and all hell would break lose again. He was miserable. I found a wash cloth and cleaned him up. He was so weak after throwing this up and I could tell he wasn't feeling all that great.
We were there for some time when they strolled in to tell us they wanted to keep him for observation. It was New Year's Eve, there were no doctor's available to see him until after the holiday. It was a Friday night. I was scheduled to fly out on Sunday to Minnesota to start a new job. I'd be in training for a week. They didn't tell us why he had to stay for the whole weekend, he was "just under observation." He was taken to a room. His bed was near the door and he hated it. He couldn't sleep because of the noise and he swore his room mate had company every hour on the hour.
I stayed until late. I had snuggled down in the recliner they had in the room and fell asleep. I didn't want to go any where. I just wanted to keep him company, but he wanted me to go home and get some sleep. I kissed him goodnight and drove home. I hated leaving him there and still could not understand why he couldn't come home if all he was doing was waiting for the doctor's to return from holiday.
I came back the next day with slippers and some thing more comfortable to wear than a tissue. He must have called his siblings as they were coming in to see him throughout the day. We spent New Years weekend 2005 in the hospital. I came home late on Saturday and packed for my trip to Minnesota. The weather was unseasonably warm as I didn't need a coat. I stayed as long as I could on Sunday before flying out. I wanted to be there when the doctors came, but the timing was wrong. I had to be in Minneapolis for a week to train for my new job.
I should have stayed home. My mind was not on work, let alone much else. I had left Indianapolis where it was sixty degrees and headed to Minneapolis, where it was snowing. I had left the Midwest without a winter coat for my week of training. I met with my new boss and he asked how my weekend had been. I shared with him that Bill was hospitalized and I was concerned. I was so fortunate to go to work for this company at the time that I did. My new boss, Al, said we could expedite the training with hopes of getting me out on Thursday instead of Friday. I met with so many people from so many different departments who shared a glimpse of what I needed to know to open up this new office. It was overwhelming.
I called Bill on Monday night. He said the doctors were transferring him to another hospital in downtown Indianapolis and his sister was going to take him. I had no idea where he was being transferred to, but they needed to do some additional testing and it could only be done at this other facility.
I called on Tuesday. His sister had dropped him off and he was waiting for surgery. He wasn't sure what he was having done whether it was a test or surgery. I told him that I would be coming home early and I'd come see him. I missed him so much.
I called him on Thursday to tell him I was at the airport and on the way home. He had surgery on Wednesday so I wasn't able to talk to him. He was waiting for the results of the testing when I called. I was so excited about my new job and I just rambled on and on. The flight got in late and I headed to the hospital. I wasn't sure just where it was at but eventually I located it.
It was after ten at night when I walked into the lobby. The security guard was sitting at his post. I explained to him that my finance had been moved there while I was out of town and "could I see him?" The guard looked up his name and didn't hesitate to let me in after visiting hours. He was on the eighth floor.
I took the elevator up and as I exited the car, the sign on the wall noted I was on the oncology floor. It didn't click. I headed to his room. He had asked for the bed furthest from the door for more privacy.
I was so happy to see him! I was just babbling on about my trip and how happy I was that they let me come up to see him. I asked if he had heard from the doctor about his test results. He too had been happy to see me, but the smile disappeared. "Yes, I've heard. I have pancreatic cancer." He was barely audible. I was sure I didn't hear him correctly, but the look on his face confirmed, that I did.
My world stopped. My eyes welled up, my heart stopped beating. I had lost an aunt to this disease. I knew it all too well. I laid down next to him and he held me while I cried. I didn't want him to see me like this. I wasn't even sure he knew the outcome or at what stage he was in. Perhaps he had already shed his tears for there were none in his eyes. I gathered my senses and sat upright, he was forty eight years old, just weeks shy of turning forty nine.
"What goes through your mind when they tell you this?" He had two daughters, he was so young, I just couldn't imagined what I would think of first.
He laid there, reaching for my hand, "I thought of you. I just found you and I'm so happy and now I'm going to lose you, will you still marry me?"
We both started to cry and I laid back down next to him, "Of course I will."
He didn't want me to stay. He wanted me to go home and get some rest. I promised him I'd be back tomorrow. He was going to be discharged and we had tickets to go see Jerry Seinfeld. I cried all the way home. He was so right, we were so happy and we were faced with challenges that would be very difficult. I don't think I slept at all that night. I had so much on my mind, a new job, getting married, finding out what treatment he would need but most important, getting him home first.
He had spoken to his employer. He was on long term disability. He was done working, he just needed to complete the paperwork. How things changed in just a matter of days. Our dreams shattered. Our focus turned to getting him treatment and figuring out when we could get married. There was so much to do and i had to pull it together for Bill. I couldn't fall apart, he needed me to be strong, so I pulled it in and I held it together for my Bill.
The thoughts that wander through my mind. Some have suggested I write a book. I think I'll blog first
No comments:
Post a Comment