Heaven has another angel, my sweet William John

The attorney was expected at ten in the morning. I had forgotten I needed a witness besides myself there that morning.  The attorney came in and he could tell I was a walking mess. I tried to call my girlfriend, but couldn't get a hold of her, so he called his assistant who drove up to witness Bill signing his Will.  I don't know why I didn't let them go back to the bedroom where he had laid since Monday night, but I thought that was a little to private.  It was all I could do to get him down the hall to the couch.  He was out of it.  I explained again what was going on and he seemed to be following me, but I just couldn't tell.

The attorney showed him where his signatures were needed and he didn't have the coordination or strength to sign his full name, but all he needed was a scribble and the witness saying he signed it.

I got him back in bed and wrote every one to tell them it was time.  They needed to make arrangements to come say their good-byes.  I called the girls and told them I thought the end was nearing and they should come up to see him.

They arrived mid afternoon. I was trying to tie loose ends up with all the medical providers, talking to hospice and making sure everyone was in the know of what was going on.  I had not slept much since the Friday night before we were married. I don't know how I functioned but a greater power was fueling me.

The girls sat at the bar counter making small talk.  I told them that their Dad had not been happy with them and they should go in the bedroom and make amends.  I stayed in the kitchen preparing a lunch for them.  Within minutes, they came back into the kitchen to ask for help. "Will you come in there with us, we don't know what to say?"

"Just talk to him.  Understand that he can hear every thing, but he doesn't have the energy to talk.  Look at his expressions, they will tell you exactly what he is feeling.  Talk about memories you have with him. Times you shared and things you love about him.  If you have some thing that you need to tell him, tell him now."

Within several minutes, they returned to the bedroom and I heard the girls laughing.  I checked in on them and they were up on the bed sitting near him.  They talked about places they had lived and vacations they had taken and funny things that had happened and he laid there listening, some times smiling and other times, emotionless.  I was praying whatever he had been upset about, would be resolved before it was too late, but it wasn't going to happen.

His family started showing up later that day.  His father and step mother, his sister Anita and her son, John.  I really have no idea who was all here, I stayed in the bedroom for the most part.  Several came in and out of the bedroom that evening.  The girls were there and I suggested to someone they have them call Donna.  I knew they needed their mom and so I told them she could come up, but she was to stay in the family room, she was not allowed to come in to the bedroom.  Bill's reaction when she came up to the hospital  was all I needed to remember to make the decision that she was not allowed in the room he was suffering in.

I had discovered late Wednesday night after everyone left that he loved to have his feet rubbed. I sat at the end of the bed and massaged his feet with lotion, his face beaming.  As I'd stop, he'd slightly lift the other one, as if to say, "don't stop" and I'd rubbed his other foot.  I massaged his legs, they were starting to mottle and I knew this was not good.

Thursday,  February 10, 2005, things continued to decline.  Hospice came in for a short period to check on him.  I gave him a sponge bath and freshened the sheets with the hospice nurse. I shaved him and combed his hair.  Everyone was coming back later and I wanted him to look as if he'd not been laying there for five days. He got up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get up.  He was slumped over, leaning on the vanity.  The bathroom is off the master bath, but it wasn't that large.  I tried and tried to get him up, but I couldn't budge him.  I didn't want him on the toilet when every one came over.  I called Anita, she was my rock, my go to person, the one who helped me find humor in the times I thought I was going crazy.  She promised to buy us a carton of pinwheels so that we could go crazy together when this was all over.

Anita had confided in me that she, Jonnan and Ned, had come to the conclusion that after this, no matter what, I was still family and she called me, "Sissy." She stepped up to the plate when Bill became ill, she learned how to use a cell phone, she learned how to email, she was there if I needed her.  "Anita, I can't get Bill off the toilet."

She and her husband, Steve would be there soon and they'd help me.  It took all of us to get him back in bed. Everyone started showing up.  Jonnan was driving from Pittsburgh. The girls and their mom showed up and again, I made it clear she was not allowed in the bedroom.  Bill's nephew, John came, Anita, Steve, Poppy, everyone came back.  I put chairs in the bedroom so they could sit in there with Bill and I.  He was really struggling.  I just continued to talk to him.  I wanted him to know it was OK, if he wanted to go, I was OK.  But he kept fighting it. I knew he wanted to see Jonnan, but she was running late.

His fever spiked and I was working to get it down.  I had the girls running cold water clothes between the main bath and the bedroom, where I'd apply the cloth to cool him down.  I raised him up so that they could put the cloth on his back, as I raised him, he'd smile and peck my lips with a kiss.  He was letting me know, he was grateful.  It was such a tender moment between us.

His fever reduced but not without him witnessing Ashley complaining that her hands were cold from carrying the cold clothes into the bedroom.  The girls asked me if there was something they could do, I suggested they massage his feet.  Ashley let it be known she was not touching his feet.  I offered her plastic gloves, but she refused as did Nikki.  His nephew, John, had no problem massaging his uncle's feet and you could just see how much Bill enjoyed it.

I sat up near his head and just kept chattering about every thing.  His morphine pump could be released every ten minutes, so I was clocking it.  I had an emergency kit in the refrigerator if things got really bad, but he was hanging in there.

It was nearing eleven at night, I had to let him know every thing was going to be OK, so I asked some one to hand me my cookie jar, that rested on the shelf on the dresser.

I shared with everyone what Bill had given me for Christmas in 2004.  They now knew he had filed bankruptcy, so it was no surprise that he didn't have money for gifts at Christmas.  I snuggled in up near Bill and I told him that of all the gifts I had ever been given, this one, was the best I had ever received and it didn't cost him a dime, just time, time to write all the reasons he loved me.

I spoke to him, but everyone in the room listened as I read each note that he so carefully thought out. I told him that if I ever missed him, I had this  cookie jar that I could open and reach inside and be reminded how much he loved me.  I joked around when I would read one that promised me a massage or a weekend away, "Don't think you are getting out of this, you will redeem this one day when I join you."  He'd smile, but he was listening to every word I spoke. I finished, not a dry eye in the room and as I glanced over my left shoulder, standing in the door frame to our bedroom, stood Donna, his former wife.  I was angry that she did not have enough respect to honor my wishes that she not come down the hall.  I didn't have to allow her to come into our home, I did it for the girls and there she stood, trying to be a part of a family that she was no longer a part of.

I turned to Bill and told him, "So, it's OK, if you want to go, I'll be fine, I've got my cookie jar and you will always be in my heart.  And some day I'll join you and we'll start our marriage then, so wait for me."  His breathing really became labored and I thought it was best that I give him something to relieve his pain, but everyone had to leave the room.

I closed the door, Anita assisted me and as we finished, she walked out of the room and I turned to go into the master bath, when I heard this choking sound. I turned quickly and I thought he was choking so I ran back to lift him up so if he had some thing in his throat he could clear it, but as I reached for him, the look in his eyes told me everything I feared, "ANITA!"

I felt his spirit leave his body, I had him in my arms. Anita came, but it was too late.  I looked at the clock, I knew it would be important to  know, it was 11:21 PM, Thursday, February  10, 2005.  We'd been married five days.  I was a bride and a widow all within one week.  I sure was going to miss him.  I gently laid him back down and the tears started to stream down my cheeks.