Final Preparations - Who would have known the drama that was about to unfold

Death brings peace to the one who suffered.  Death brings out the worse in every one else.  I had enough experience to know, as a young child, no matter how many memories you had of someone you loved, you remembered what they looked like when they were ill.  I did not want the girls to see Bill immediately after he died.  It was not pretty.  They both stood outside the closed bedroom door screaming their desire to see him.  I told Anita they were not to come in the room.

Ashley was throwing up in the bathroom, Nikki was screaming she wanted to see her dad and someone had called Hospice and the funeral home.  Soon the nurse was there and we cleaned up both Bill and changed the bedding. We changed his clothes as every thing was a mess.

Donna took the girls away and every one started filing out. Jonnan showed up a hour after he had passed. I never left his side. I never saw people leave.  The Tuesday before he died, I slipped into the spare bedroom to nap while others were there and he became very agitated.  They woke me up saying Bill needed me and as soon as I walked into the room he calmed down.  I promised him that day, I'd  never leave his side.

Anita, Jonnan and I stayed until the funeral home came to pick him up.  We all sat in the bedroom, talking.  I was on the bed, leaning up against the head board, stroking Bill's hair until 3:30 in the morning when they came to get him.  The men told me that it would be best if I stayed out of the room while they took his liver temperature as it "isn't pleasant to witness."  I had witnessed things that I'd never forget, but I respected their wishes and stood outside the door.  They placed him in the body bag and rolled him out on the gurney.  I followed him all the way until they placed him in the station wagon. I stood there in the cold, bare foot, watching as they drove away.  Jonnan came out to tell me to come in, "it's cold out here."

"I can't, I promised him I'd never leave his side." And I stood there until I could no longer see the car. Anita and Steve left.  Jonnan was staying with me. We sat up for a bit and then she went to bed.  I went back into our bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, reliving what had just occurred. Tears streaming down my cheeks, but no sounds escaping my lips.  I laid down next to where Bill had laid the last several days.  I couldn't sleep.  I just laid there and stared at the spot that he had been laying just hours ago, fighting for his life.

The sun rose, I called my Dad. It was seven thirty in the morning and I told him  Bill had died last night. We spoke on the phone for close to two hours.  He just listened while I poured my heart out.  He told me he didn't know where I had found the strength to do all I had done the last several weeks. He would have never been able to hold it together, but I knew he would have, I get my strength from him. I am my father's daughter through and through.

We had to be in Greencastle at the funeral home and we were running late. Bill never told me what he wanted.  We had never had this discussion.  In all the conversations we had those last four days at home, I asked him, "What are your wishes, I need to know.'  He would always turn away from me and look at the bedroom door as if some one were there waiting.

"Bill, I need to know what you want. Do you want to be buried?  Do you want to be cremated?" Never a response, always turning away "Bill? If you don't tell me, I'll be making this call and you'll have to live with it."  Still no response.

"Bill?  If you don't tell me, I'm going to cremate you and keep your ashes right on that shelf, next to my cookie jar, so that we can be together forever." Finally, he looked at me and smiled.  Cremation it is!

When he had the strength to talk, we had many conversations.  We sat one night watching a movie and he turned the volume down, "I need to tell you something.  I have no doubt that you are strong enough to handle any thing placed in front of you and I trust that you will know how to handle every thing, but I need to tell you what to expect from my brother and sisters, so you won't be caught off guard."

He knew them.  He told me how each would respond to his death. He told me who would be the one that needed to be controlled as she would want to run the show, he told me the one that would be the rock, but  inside would be falling apart.  He told me his brother wouldn't be able to help, he'd hole up and I needed to keep my eye on him.  He asked me to take care of his daughters as they looked up to me and he told me he had taken care of things so that I would never have to worry about anything.  All he asked was in the end, if I had anything left, give some thing to his girls.  He never spoke about it again, he just wanted me to know so there would be no surprises on this day that I woke up to.

During his illness, I had people call me that I would have never expected to hear from, but how it touched my heart to have them reach out to me.  A man who lived in Missouri, that had been injured on the job and I had handled his claim, was an ordained minister, he thought the world of me because he was injured on the job and his employer was lying about how he was injured.  I took his statement and I dug until I found the truth, that he was injured as he had reported.  He had heard from Cheryl who was finishing up his claim after I left, that my husband was terminal.  

I don't usually care for injured workers to seek me out and call me at home, but they have. This call, I didn't mind. His name was Michael Bennett and he called one day, he and  his wife, and he asked me if I'd pray with him, for Bill.

My girlfriend, Mary, who also lives in Missouri, is married to a  wonderful man named Larry, I call him, "Sunshine," who is a preacher as well, called and he too prayed for Bill and I during our time of  need.  You remember the kindness of others when you go through a difficult time.

I encourage all of you, when you know someone who is faced with the loss of a loved one, step up to the plate.  We all say, "Call, if you need any thing." but they will never call. Their hands are too busy to call.  Reach out and do some thing. If it is to bring a meal, give them an hour to take their mind off of whatever they are challenged with and visit, do it.  Remember, their grief starts when everything ends.  They are on auto pilot through the days up to and the days after the death.  They need someone to be there afterwards, to check on them, to call them, to see if they are doing OK. It gets very lonely when every one leaves to return to their life and yours has been turned upside down.

Everyone was at the funeral home when Jonnan and I arrived. They had started making arrangements without me there.  Nikki and her boyfriend were there, Bill's oldest sister was there as well, she had flown in from Florida.  I had only met her briefly the summer before, but she appeared to be running the show. I was tired, my heart was broken and they had discussed pretty much every thing.  The person from the funeral home was trying to catch me up to speed with the options that had been selected and I became angry.  

Nikki wanted a necklace with her Dad's thumb print on it for both her and Ashley.  The necklaces were sterling silver and a little pricey.  She was trying to figure out how she could buy two.  I told her to not worry, I'd take care of that, it was the only thing that would really be a part of their dad that they would have.

But as I sat there and listened to the selections that had been discussed, I heard Bill in my heart, "I trust you will do the right thing, you are a strong woman."  I told every one that Bill was being cremated and I did not see the sense in buying an expensive casket that would be burned.  I wanted to see what other options there were.  I was trying to take in to consideration every one who sat at that table. I knew they too were grieving, but I was paying for the funeral, all of it and I was not going to have someone else run the show for my husband.  

I was looking at the packages and the pricing wasn't making sense, I was tired.  I wanted to know what the difference was in two different packages. I had come in late, so I missed the presentation.  You would have thought, they would have waited until I got there, I was his wife, but they didn't so I was a little behind and needed to get caught up.

His oldest sister stepped outside the room into the entry way of the funeral home carrying on that I was going to put her brother in a "gladiola box."  I had no idea what she was talking about but she was carrying on about this "gladiola box."

Bill and his siblings grew up in a flower shop that Poppy owned.   Gladiola's apparently were delivered in boxes that reminded her of the pine casket that was an option.  I thought I was the only one at the table that was not following the pricing of all the options placed before me.  But, I was not, Anita was on the same page as I was, so I wasn't crazy, or maybe Anita and I really needed to go sit in a field of pinwheels and just stare at them as they spun in the  wind.

I finally chose a blue casket that was reasonably priced and was perfect for Bill. He wasn't extravagant. He liked quality, but he loved a bargain, so I knew he'd be OK with my decision.  All the arrangements were made.  It was Friday, February 11, we had to pick the day for the funeral.  We were going to have the viewing on Saturday, but I didn't want to have the service on Sunday and Monday was Valentines Day, what a perfect day to put the love of my life to rest.

For Bill's Casket

I knew it would create drama among the girls, but this was for Bill and I. No one else.  We would have the funeral on Monday, February 14, 2005.  We headed to the flower shop to make arrangements for the flowers.  His oldest sister had already ordered the arrangement for casket topper.  All white lilies. Did she know her brother?  And again, who was paying for this?  I cancelled the order, I wanted the biggest arrangement they could make for the casket in wildflowers, every color imaginable and I wanted husband and dad ribbons worked throughout it. How could this woman order flowers for her brother's casket that were not even him and not even offer to contribute to the final bill?  I don't think so.  Bill was right, she was going to challenge me every step of the way and I was not going to let her push me around.

To her credit, she created a beautiful flower arrangement for her brother, incorporating his love of running and his accomplishments of running marathons.  She had a talent, as did all of them for flower arrangements. His

A Beautiful Arrangement

sister's put together wonderful displays of pictures from our wedding that were tastefully placed around the funeral home.  I had brought clothes for him, I chose the shirt and slacks he wore on our first date.

I didn't realize how much drama there would be in planning a funeral. His daughter's were having a fit that there was going to be a small flower arrangement on the inside of the lid from his nephew with a ribbon that said "Uncle."  They didn't think that was right.  How I wanted to tell them that he had every right to place an arrangement in his uncle's casket, he cared  enough to massage his feet which was more than I could say for them. I told them that if they wanted to place some thing in the casket they could place their own arrangement inside, but I wasn't paying for it.  It was just all about them and for me, it was all about Bill.

A love note from B...in the good old days

I had one more thing to take care of, I had to find some thing that spoke of Bill to have his cremains placed in.  I didn't like any of the urns they had.  I had to find some thing that could be sealed.  I went shopping to find it, but couldn't locate what I wanted.  I had gone to his house, searching for some thing that spoke to me that I could place my sweet William in.  I saw it. It was perfect.  It was on his kitchen counter, he kept his tea bags in it. It was a brown crock with an emblem on it of military men with flags, and the years 1776 to 1976 surrounding the marching men.  Perfect. He loved this crock.

It was time to go home and prepare for tomorrow.  I had had a full week.  Mike and Jackie were coming down.  Jonnan would go stay with her sister, Anita.  I wasn't expecting another day full of drama, but my patience was being tested and I have never been known to break, no matter how much pressure is applied.