The Next Chapter of Life

I would love to say that I stayed strong, but I wasn't always.  I had days that I just wanted to sit and stare at the walls.  I didn't.  I stayed busy.  I found projects around the house.  I stained the deck, organized the shed,cleaned the garage and organized the basement, I emptied, cleaned and organized her kitchen cupboards and pantry.  I worked in the yard and looked for a job. I taught Jackie how to cook a fabulous meal in thirty minutes or less. She always believed to put a meal on the table you had to spend all day cooking, not me.  I'd be knee high in a project, cook a meal and be ready to sit down when they got home from work.  I always used to tease her, "Who would have thought just a half an  hour ago I was knee high in mud and grass clippings, look at this feast I have prepared!" She wanted my secret.

My cousin, Jackie is six years older than I am. She grew up on the south side of Lansing.  Her  mom was one of my mom's older sisters.  My Aunt Winnie, she was just my favorite Aunt of all times.  But her daughter, I wanted to be like her when I was younger.  

You see people differently than they see themselves. Jackie was very smart, but she never felt loved, truly loved for who she was.  She was very close to her mom, they did every thing together.  I suppose you'd say her mom was her best friend.  My mom, we did very little together. In fact my mom would do things with Winnie and Jackie and never think to invite me.

When Jackie was a freshman at Lansing Community College she took a bicycling class.  Part of the class was to participate in a bike ride from Lansing to Mackinaw Island. If you couldn't do that, you could take a van up to the island and spend the weekend bicycling as no cars are allowed on the island.  Jackie asked me if I'd like to go with her.  What twelve year old is going to turn that down?

There was one condition, I was to tell no one I was only twelve.  I always looked older than what I was, so mum's the word. By the time we got to the island and took the ferry over, the weather had turned to thunderstorms and we were drenched.  I did not pack extra clothes for wet weather or cold weather, but we some how survived.  Here I was living the dream, hanging with college students on the island and I wasn't even a teenager yet.  

The first night we went to a restaurant that turned into a bar at nine.  They came around to ID every one and of course I did not have an ID.  Jackie told  them I was seventeen and we would leave, so every one got up and left with us. The group wanted to include me in their fun, not knowing I was much younger.  I had so much fun that weekend although the weather was horrible.

The trip back to Lansing, was a life changing experience.  We were all in the back of this cargo van, tired from the long weekend.  People were sitting up, laying down, leaning against each other sleeping.  Jackie and I were up toward the front behind the drivers seat, she was in front of me and the instructor of the course was behind me.  Before I knew what spooning was, I was being spooned by this professor and his hands were a little to active for a twelve year old body.  I didn't know what to say or do.  I was twelve and I didn't dare say any thing. If Jackie told my mother, I'd never get to go with her again. So, I pretended to sleep. It was the longest trip I had ever taken.

Years later, I'm going on forty one and Jackie and I were sitting in her living room.  She was talking about issues that she had and I didn't understand how this woman that I thought had it so together, was so lost.  I used this experience of mine to explain life to her.  She never knew.  She wondered how I had gotten so wise and why I never explained these things to her before, it was quite simple in my book, "While you were in therapy talking about these things, I was living it, so I could teach others, just so happens I've learned a lot of lessons to share now."

She helped me talk through a lot of my heartache.  We had not been apart of each others life for years after I became an adult. She married for the first and only time at thirty.  I was married to Killer. I didn't see much of her until after I was married to Chappy.  I invited her and my mother to come down for a girls weekend.  We talked about everything, but what I realized that weekend, I may not have been close to my mom where we did things together, but my mom talked to me. I was my mother's best friend. She would confide in me about things a child or young girl should never know about their mom and their parents relationship as well as those in the family.

What I thought was a close relationship between my cousin and aunt, was a shallow relationship, they talked about the weather and non specific topics. They never talked about subjects that were personal or private. Jackie thought it was odd that my mom and I sat there that weekend and talked about sex and men like we were talking about the weather.  Never assume what you see on the outside is what is really going on the inside.

I saw Jackie as some one intelligent, popular, fun, pretty, daring, and yet, she was smart, but book smart, there is a big difference in being book smart and using street smart. She analyzed everything in depth, I analyzed it for the moment and moved on.   She read every book written on human relationships, I lived life so I could write one.  Every thing was black and white to her, no coloring outside of the lines.  I liked technicolor and I'd color on your paper, if mine got full. We were so very different, yet family and I'd stick up for her any day like I did to John.

 She was looking for relationships where there was a deep connection. She thought she had found one in John, but John was very shallow and did not know how to have a deep relationship and it, was all about John. He wanted people in his life for a reason, to support the facade he was living.  He wanted a woman in his life so that other's did not think he was gay and his ex-wife knew that he was worthy of love.  He wanted friends, but only when he needed to spend time with some one, not when they might need him.

It was sad to see this day that Jackie lost her best friend, but she learned lessons. She learned that those you think would have your back, will stab you without blinking an eye.

After I moved into Jackie's I was extremely sad. I felt responsible for the end of their friendship, I didn't think I would ever find a job and I missed having a home that was mine. I hated being in limbo and not knowing when every thing was going to fall in to place or if it ever would.

In early August I received a letter from my attorney, I was free. I had been legally divorced for six weeks and didn't even know it.  The negotiations were over and the next chapter of my life was about to begin. Since Chappy filed, he had to go to Atlanta to appear in court.  I was not required.  I was unaware there was even a court date, shows you how much my attorney kept me informed of things.

I had been applying for jobs, but nothing was happening.  I decided in early September that I was going to change careers and applied to become a licensed real estate agent.  I loved houses, I knew a lot about them and their structure and I thought I would be good at this, so did others.  I could envision changes to share with potential clients who might not see the beauty in a small shack that would be their starter home.

About the time I had this change in heart to pursue other possibilities, I got a call, some one was interested in interviewing me for a position in management, in Indianapolis.  I drove down and stayed with my friend Patty. I interviewed and looked for houses, but found nothing.  I didn't hear back from the company and thought I had lost another opportunity, but they called me, for a second interview and within the week, offered me a job.  

I was in town, had a job and looked once more for  a house. I found my future home on a Sunday afternoon, hours before I was to start a new job. Patience. Timing.  Every thing boils down to timing. You must be patient as all things happen for a reason, you just might be standing too close to the picture to see the beauty of it all.