Marriage isn't for everyone

I had tried online dating.  I had met Steve on the site, but we were not a match, we were friends.  I thought that my heart was healed to the point that I could open it up to someone.  I was not looking to get married at all.  I just thought I'd like companionship.

I started sharing emails with a  man who remained anonymous.  His profile did not have a picture but we could banter back and forth with the best of them. He was a manager for a factory that specialized in Toyota after market car parts and lived north of Muncie.  He had been married twice before and had two sons, both grown.  We eventually met over dinner and enjoyed each other's company. He was so different from anyone I had dated before. Confidence was not a strong suit for him, yet he treated me respectful and like a woman.  He was not my equal though.  While we could work together side by side doing home projects, he preferred his woman to cook his meals and clean up after wards. 

It didn't bother me at first, but I was working for Joe and I was putting in long hours.  Some nights I wouldn't get  home until eight thirty.  He would drive down to Carmel, an hour from where he lived,  after work and wait for me to come home.  Not once, did I walk in the door and he not say, "What are you  making for dinner."

We had a lot of fun. He was spontaneous and liked to go on a whim.  We traveled around the state to go to craft shows where Ray was, to see what he was selling as well as other vendors.  We'd stop in these small towns and grab a bite to eat.  We found state parks to go hiking in with Precious.  We went to home shows, model home shows, boat shows, football games, basketball games and concerts.  We took a vacation to Florida to see our folks.  We drove down and took Precious. His mom had told him we could stay with the dog, but when we got there, she saw the size of Precious and changed her mind.  He refused to stay there, telling his mom that Precious was "our baby" and if she wasn't welcomed neither were we.  

I stood there that night in a daze, a man who stood up to his mother, for me! It really was possible.  While he loved his parents, there were mixed emotions  with both of them.  They had divorced years ago, but they treated Jeff differently. He had had acne as a child and his face still had scars from it.  His youngest son had been cursed with this as well.  Jeff had always been the child that could never please his parents.  I found some of his stories hard to believe, but I witnessed how they treated his youngest by praising the oldest on how good looking he was and belittling the youngest for having long hair and bad skin.  Parents don't understand how that can impact a child's life and create self confidence issues.  That was the root of Jeff's issue, his lack of  self confidence from his appearance.  I didn't see the scars, I saw the man. Michael had the same issue and again, I saw the man and not the scars.

Jeff wanted to get married.  I wasn't ready.  He wanted to move in.  He was at my house every day and night.  I wasn't ready.  He eventually got upset that I never came to his house to stay, but his youngest still lived there and I was not comfortable with that arrangement.  I had met both of his boys, but I didn't like the idea of "living there" with his son still present. 

I would drive up to his house to help him with projects. We tore his bathroom out.  I painted the dining room for him, but I was not in the frame of mind to make a commitment.  He wanted to move his clothes in so that he didn't have to go home each night and pickup what he needed the next day.  I wouldn't let him. It would have been more convenient for him, but it would have meant compromising for me.  

I had given up everything for Chappy and look where it got me.  I had helped John and was very honest with him about my intentions and that didn't turn out well.  I wasn't budging for any man at this point.  I used to tease Jeff that I didn't have enough closet space for a man in my house.  He suggested we buy our own home. He didn't understand that my heart was only partially open to love, I still wasn't convinced I'd ever fall in love again.

I loved Jeff, but being in love and falling in love are two completely different things to me. Shortly before Christmas in 2002, he had been out shopping that day.  We were sitting on the  couch watching a movie when he got up to go retrieve some thing from the back bedroom.  He was so excited about his "little surprise" that he had bought that day and wanted to share it.  He couldn't wait.  He handed me a bag from a jewelry store. "I was going to wait until Christmas, but I just can't. I love you so much Cindy."

We had  been dating for almost a year.  I opened the bag and the little box was nestled in the tissue. A box of chocolates were wrapped up in this package as well.  I had no idea what it was, but as I opened it, I saw an engagement ring.  My stomach dropped. I wasn't expecting this.

"So when do you want to get married?"  He didn't ask me, he just assumed.  I had told him repeatedly that  I had no interest, but I guess he didn't believe me.  I couldn't see myself with him for the rest of my life and honestly, I couldn't see myself with any man ever again as husband and wife. The walls had been erected, tiny portholes allowed me to peer out, but I protected my heart from being shattered.

He sat there waiting for an answer, "That's really pretty." I looked at it, closed the box, placed it back in the bag and sat it on the table.  He never asked so I had no reply, but he knew, he had overstepped a boundary and things were never the same between us.

We continued to date for another nine months, but it was strained.  Every chance I had, I found fault.  If I came home and he was waiting for dinner, I would make some sarcastic remark about not being his slave. I became more distant, making myself unavailable and when we were together, I was absent. I wanted him to leave on his own accord.  He hung in there for some time.  It was after his birthday in 2003 that he got the message that I had lost interest.
I had started searching again on line for some one new.  I didn't make a big ordeal out of Jeff's birthday as I had in the past.  He wanted a wife and I wanted a companion. He got upset with me one day and thought he'd show me  how much I'd miss him if he stopped coming around.  His plan backfired, I met the man that I'd clean out a closet and go to the end of the Earth for, I met William John Klebusch.