There is life after, if you believe

Life goes on.  Everyone returns to their busy lives, packed schedules and days turn into weeks and weeks into months.  Bill had not included his home in his bankruptcy.  He had though had it appraised, perhaps he was going to list it, I don't know why, but I received an envelope in the mail just a few days after his funeral.  I knew nothing about his finances except when I looked at his "debt" and his income, I didn't think he had overextended himself, what had happened is that he had to take large chunks of money to resolve the divorce he was going  through and so he didn't have the money to pay his day to day expenses.

He had bought this house during the construction boom and he had the house financed under a balloon.  The market was just beginning to drop and his house was not worth what he had paid for it.  He as upside down in his mortgage.  I'm sure if he had known this, he would  have let the house go with the bankruptcy, but he was unaware.   Maybe he thought this is where  he had some money in escrow for the girls to split.  But he owed close to $139,000 on a home that was now valued at $114,000.

I wrote to the girls to tell them if they wanted to take the payments over on the house, they could take it, but they didn't want it.  I didn't know what to do, so I talked to Bill and asked him to give me guidance.  

He came to me in a dream two days later.  It was as if he was laying right next to me and he said, "Let it go, I didn't know." And as quick as he revealed himself, he disappeared in to thin air.  So, I wrote the mortgage company and told them of the circumstances.  I would have the house cleared soon and they could take it over.

It doesn't happen that way. The bank has to follow protocol and there are opportunities for you to "make good" on your investment, but I didn't want or need two homes.  I just wanted them to take it back, but it took over two years before that happened.

I had to go  to the Social Security office to do some paperwork. It didn't surprise me that Donna had already been there to sign up for the death benefits Ashley would be entitled to. He hadn't even been gone a week when she filed. Ashley was getting a lot more in social security verses child support and she had dreams. She was smart.  She wanted to attend Ball State in her Junior and Senior year of high school in advance classes, but it cost money that I knew Donna would not have, so I wrote to Ashley and told her about the money that she was entitled to each month and to be sure her mom put some aside so she could fulfill these dreams of hers.   She must have shared it with Donna and all hell broke loose. Donna did not want me talking to the girls about the money.  Ashley was on anti-depressants and was hardly  keeping her head above water and I must have been the anchor around her neck because it was "my fault" that I did not allow her to see her father when he died that night.

Nikki kept calling me and emailing to see when the Will would be read.  I don't know how  many times I had to tell her, there would be no reading of the Will.  Her mom wanted the name of the attorney so she could get a copy of the Will and her mom would pay for any services.  I gave her the information and within two months, I got a bill from the attorney, for talking to Donna and the girls.  I was quick to respond to his invoice that I did not authorize the services he provided to them and he could bill Donna for those hours.

I had to barricade the front door at his house as things kept coming up missing. I had rented a dumpster to clean out his house.  I was so torn about what to do with everything.  For weeks I wore his jeans and shirts to feel close to him, to smell his scent, to bring me comfort.  Grief is a terrible thing to go through.  I couldn't get rid of his shoes. I don't know why, but I couldn't part with them. I went through boxes of pictures of when he was younger, pictures that belonged to his former wife, I felt as though I was invading his privacy.  I learned so much about this man that I loved after he died as I cleared out his house.  Wishing I had as many memories of him as everyone else had.

There was furniture that I needed to get out of the house.  I decided I'd store a lot of his things until I had a clear mind.  I could have given the furniture to the girls but I had learned that they would not have kept it, they would have sold it and I wanted them to have things that were their father's  not the money.  Money disappears, but a heirloom lasts forever.

I kept talking to Bill and he'd answer, in some fashion, he'd let me know what to do.  I was at the storage unit, preparing to rent a space to put all the furniture in, "Bill, am I doing the right thing? Saving this for a day when the girls might want it?"  I kept waiting and the day I rented the space, the sign was right there.

His brother Ned and I were loading up the storage unit.  "How am I going to remember where this is?"  I looked up at the unit number, "Ned, I think he just answered me. I think he wants me to store this for now."  Ned looked up to see what I was staring at.  The unit number was B 205.  B for Bill.  2 05, our wedding date, February 5.  I felt better.

At  home I was trying to organize every thing, it was Spring time and I was cleaning the garage out.  I was having a bad day, missing him, questioning why him.  I was using the shop vac to sweep out the car and it just stopped.  I was inpatient, I wanted to get this over with, so I walked over to the outlet and the plug was firmly planted in the socket, why wasn't it running?  I stood there perplexed when across the garage, the radio came on.  I didn't turn it on, I was across the garage from it.  What was going on?

I walked across to figure out how the radio turned on and the shop vac started up again.   "Bill?  Are you here?"  I sensed another force around me.  This couldn't be happening, but the radio shut  off and the shop vac did too.  He was there, he had my attention.

So many things happened that were peculiar in nature, picture frames would fall forward for no reason at all.  Lights would turn on that I had not touched. The television that I  never watched, would turn on out of the blue. He was still with me, in spirit. I would have never believed any of this, if someone had shared this with me, but it was happening.

It was time to go pick up Bill's cremains.  His brother, Ned wanted to pick them up from the funeral home and have one more drink with  his brother.  He took him to the local bar and they had a beer, one last time. I met him at his apartment that afternoon.  He wasn't doing well with the passing of his brother.  He had wanted some ashes to wear around his neck, so that Bill would always be with him.

I had kept some ashes off to the side, in a sterling silver canister. Bill had always wanted to take me to the Falls that were on family property, but the day that he and his family went there, I was unable to attend.  I shared with  Ned, that he had to take me to the falls and I would spread the few ashes I had kept out, there.  But time never allowed it, until it was too late for Ned to take me.

Ned was a ghost hunter.  I used to love to listen to him tell stories of his ghost hunts, recordings and pictures.  He had gone on a ghost hunt shortly after Bill died and in one of the pictures, there was a red orb that displayed itself.  Ned thought it was Bill as he had researched the meaning of the red orb and it was a spirit that was angry.  He thought for sure it was Bill.

Seven years passed after Bill died. I never made it to Falls.  I had that sterling silver canister resting on a ledge with a painted picture of the Falls and reminders of my Bill displayed.  May, 2012, Ned died unexpectedly.  He was supposed to take me to the Falls years ago, but we never got around to it.

He died on his wedding anniversary.  He had met the love of his life after Bill died.  He didn't want everyone to dress up and be sad at a funeral home, he wanted everyone to dress casual and meet at the falls, be happy. His wife, Diane had him cremated as well and his wishes were to have his cremains  spread over the Falls.  I contacted Anita, it had been seven long years since Bill died, but Ned was going to take me to those Falls.  I asked her to contact Diane and see if I could spread Bill's ashes with Ned's.  Everyone thought it was a great idea.

For those of you who find it hard to believe in spirits, they do exist.  Marty, the woman who took all of our pictures at the wedding, was there that day to memorialize the events of the day in pictures.

Diane and I crawled down to the water, waded across the creek and stood on the shore, Ned was freshly cremated, Bill? Well, he had been setting around in this canister for seven years and he was a little settled.  I couldn't get the ashes to come out, they were solid in this can.  An Army buddy of Ned's had a knife that I used to stir up the cremains so I could pour the ashes into the creek with Ned's.  


For those who are familiar with paranormal activity, they show up in pictures as white orbs, it is believed this represents a spirit that is trapped on this plane.   There was a red orb though in the photos that day and I researched it, as I recalled Ned telling me about it years ago.  The red orb represents a protector, some one who was charged in life to care for or keep watch over. The red orb appeared off to the side of the creek, waiting.  We all believed it was their mother who had died years ago. She was there to take her sons home.  As the cremains were emptied into the water, two orbs intertwined, appeared at my ankle in the picture, two brothers reunited as one.