Being Alone is OK, Most of the Time

My health gave me a scare in 2007.  I had gained some weight and was feeling sluggish.  My mother does not like to share her health history with me as she feels that is none of my business.  Had she, I might have caught this earlier.  I was thinking I was still grieving and was just down, but I wasn't.  I went to the doctor who diagnosed a thyroid problem and sent me to a specialist.  I work enough in the medical field that I was not worried.  Tests are just that, tests.

I was seen by the ENT doctor who felt  my throat and was concerned. Concerned enough that he wanted a biopsy that day.  He had felt a lump in my neck and suspected it was a tumor.  I was going through the steps, no need to worry until I had to.

The doctor who did the biopsy, stuck my throat seven times with a fine gauge needle only to say he couldn't locate it with a needle, but he could see it on the ultrasound. Still not worried.

The doctor wanted me to have a nuclear scan of my thyroid.  Again, not phased, even when the technician came in to the room with a hazmat suit on and a pill in an aluminum capsule that he refused to touch.

"Just what am I taking that you have to be dressed like that?"

"It's radioactive iodine."

Now that is comforting to know. Radioactive. The word should scare you, let alone the man wearing a hazmat suit handing it to you.  The scan was partially covered by my insurance, but my out of pocket was close to one thousand dollars.

Here's the kicker.  I paid one thousand dollars to find out, the tumor, that could be felt by the human hand but not found by a finely gauge needle, was undetectable by the radioactive iodine that I swallowed and laid under this huge contraption that scanned my throat for several minutes. I was beginning to think I was funding a Tahiti vacation for the doctor and  his family.

He wanted to keep an eye on it and so we did.  It didn't grow. I wasn't feeling any symptoms, but I had to keep going back.  In 2011, the doctor felt my throat and said he could  no longer feel it, but to be safe, let's try a biopsy again.  This time the needle found the tumor and it had grown.  Now, how can you feel it with your  hand, but not find it with finely tuned machines, but now, you can't feel it with your hand, but the machines detect it?  I was beginning to lose my faith in medicine.  I always remind myself that doctors "practice" medicine and with practice comes errors.  This biopsy had to be sent to California to a special lab and the results would not be known for two weeks.

This time, I was worried.  I sat in the exam room after they did the ultrasound that showed the tumor was larger and I realized how lonely it can be when you are faced with news like this and no one to lean on.  It reminded me of Bill when his news was delivered to him and he was alone, but only because I was in Minnesota.  I was alone.  

What if it came back positive? What would I do? My parents would be devastated. They had lost two of their three children as it was and if this happened, I couldn't imagine what would happen to them.  But I felt sorry for people who face this kind of news with no one to hold their hand and support them.  But, life goes on and after a few tears were shed, I was fine.  Determined that no matter what, I'd survive.

The biopsy came back negative and I have stopped going to this doctor on such an regular basis.  I have to trust God to let me know if I need to be concerned and right now, He is telling me, I'm OK.

In 2007, I was planning a party at my house. Jackie was bringing her staff down from Michigan for this event and I wanted everything to be just perfect. I decided since my house was all done, it was time to spruce up the garage.  I repaired the plaster, painted the walls, experimented with painting stripes in beige and black on white gloss, put up bead board and chair rail molding.  I was in the midst of tearing out some shelving that I had installed a few years earlier when I had an accident.

My handmade valances

My job revolves around work accidents.  I am very aware of all the ways people get hurt, they get lazy and they are in a hurry, accidents happen and horrific accidents at that.  I was gazing around the garage, looking at my mess.  Two by fours with nails sticking up were thrown about.  I  kicked them off to the side and proceeded with my task.  I was bare foot, always am.  I climbed up the ladder to rip out the framing of this shelf. It was a hot, hot September evening.  I was glistening with perspiration as I came down the ladder. I thought I was on the last step, but I wasn't and as my foot came down, it hit a one inch dowel, rolling, sending me flying backwards from the second step of the ladder.  I  reached out to break my fall, but all I did was sprain my right wrist.  My head came crashing down on to a two by four on the cement garage floor.  My left ankle was throbbing, my wrist was starting to swell, so I called it a night.  I would rest and tackle it in the morning.

My Tool Cupboard

I went into the bathroom to take a shower.  I had used the circular saw as I was tearing into this framing, so I was covered in saw dust.  I looked like chicken, heavily coated just before you put it in the fryer.  I had been doing dry wall  work earlier, so I had a coating of white dust on me as well.  I was sore, so I stood on my right ankle and washed with my left hand.  I had reviewed enough medical records I knew just what to do.

I propped my foot up and braced my wrist, took two Tylenol and rested. I had a time table and I could not afford to be injured.  The party must go on! I finished the garage over the next week.  I  put down a heavy vinyl floor,

The Finished Project

carefully arranged tables and chairs around the room with a large buffet table for the feast I would be serving. I hung drapes to cover the shelves so the items I had stored were not visible and made valances to give it a little pizzazz.   It was very nice looking, for a garage.

The party was hours away.  I went to great lengths to make sure this would be an unforgettable trip for the girls from Michigan. The party was to start at six. I had people I had invited coming over and I was serving a buffet dinner.  Jackie called to inform me they were running late, really late.  Then she called to say they were lost and I was just a little ticked off.  I had planned this and a majority of those attending, were in her van.  Let the party begin any ways.

She showed up later and I was a little miffed, but I let things roll off my back, unfortunately I can only let so much roll off and it starts to pile up.  I would like to contribute my anger towards a problem I was unaware of at the time, I had hit my head hard and weeks after this party, I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury, which can cause you to display many moods, one being anger. I am very laid back, not much bothers me, so for me to be that angry, something was terribly wrong.