Never Mark Turf Where Another Male Resides, Even if it is a Dog

In 2007, I did meet a lot of men and each one could be related to the ones described by Mark. He told me I would meet a man from out of town, on a blind date, who was a drinker, but not an alcoholic.  I did  not believe him.  First, I would not go on a blind date, but Internet dating, is blind dating, if you think about it.

Jim was from "out of town," he was from south of Greenwood, in his early fifties, living at home with his mother. I know.  Red flag.  He was unemployed "for now."  Second red flag. We chatted on line for some time and he seemed to be nice.  I was not searching for a husband, I was looking for a companion, a friend.

I met him downtown at the Elbow Room on a Sunday evening.  He would be sitting at the bar.  Now this man told me he did not smoke, did not drink, was six foot and he was in sales.  I was coming in the back door by the bathrooms as he was heading to the bathrooms.  He gave me a hug and escorted me to the bar where he was sitting and then returned to the restroom. Note to self, if he was six foot, I had five inch stilettos on.

I sat at the bar and noticed in front of his stool sat a glass of wine, a cup of coffee and cigarettes.   Maybe instead of sitting to my left, he was sitting at my right, nope, some one else  had that chair. Well, this should be an interesting evening. He returned and we ordered some thing to eat and watched the game.  I noticed that he would take a drag off his cigarette, a sip of wine and a sip of coffee.  After watching this regime of his, I had to ask, "So, what's this? Some kind of ritual that you have? I thought you didn't drink or smoke?"

"I only smoke when I drink and I don't drink often." Now, see, if I say I don't drink, that  means, at all.  No alcohol will  touch the lips, let alone pass through them. And when I say I don't smoke, the end of a cigarette has not been near my lips as well.

I have learned with age that I have to be willing to sacrifice some things.  Just how important is it to  me that  they don't drink or smoke? I mean really, if Ryan Reynolds or Matthew McConnaughey  lit up in front of me, I'd hold their ashtray. So some times a girl has to lower her standards in some areas. He was entertaining and fun, I'll give him that, but so are a lot of men.  He suggested we go to my  house for the rest of the evening.  No, it was going on midnight and mother always told me nothing good happens after midnight, so while he was entertaining, I did not need to be entertained any more that evening. We made a date. He would come to my home another time, cook dinner for me and help me assemble a computer hutch I had.  Some days this wonder woman just does not have enough hands to accomplish all she  has on her plate.

A week later he drove up to my home and brought every thing he needed to cook dinner for me.  Now, a man who does not listen to a woman, scores poorly in my book.  I do not drink.  He brought three bottles of wine.  I do not like fish. He bought tuna steaks.  I do not like vegetables, he brought a medley.  So far the score board is not lighting up.  We started the project of assembling the hutch.  I could do it, I just needed a few spare hands.  He was cooking these tunas and sitting in my garage smoking his cigarettes and drinking his wine.  I mentioned  he  might want to pace himself as he did have a long drive home and he informed me, he was planning on staying, he came prepared, packed an overnight bag.  See, this is another red mark. Do not assume because I let you into my house, you are welcomed to stay, overnight.  So while he was cooking, I was plotting. My goal, get the hutch assembled immediately so this night could end.

He stepped outside to smoke and I looked out the sliding glass door just in time to see him relieve himself on a bush, just off the driveway.  This is why I love my dog, Puppers.  Puppers came over and pissed on top of his piss, looked at him and I'm sure I saw a bubble appear over  his head that said, "This is my turf, piss off!"

"Excuse me, but did you just piss on my bush?"

"Yeah,  I had to go."

"Go, yes, you have to go...you know there is a thing called indoor plumbing, don't they have it down south at your mother's house?"

"Why are you getting all bent out of shape, I just pissed, that's all."

Wow.  Now that is classy. My goal  now was to get him out of here sooner, than later. He continued to drink his wine and smoke his cigarettes and I continued to remind him he had to drive home.  It was well after one in the morning  by the time the hutch was fully assembled and put in to the office.  Time to initiate plan A.  "It's time for you to go now."

"Honey, I'm drunk, let me sleep on  your couch."

"No.  I told you that was not an option, so pack it up."  He refused to go.  Initiate Plan B.  He had been smoking in the garage most of the night with the door open to the house.  I had mentioned I did not like smoke in the house and smoking with your feet in the garage and your head in the door, was smoking in my house.

He went out in to the garage for a smoke and I let it be known, that was no longer working for me, he could step out on to the deck and smoke and not right next to the door.  He fell for it.  Sucker.  He stepped out and walked four or five steps and I slid the slider shut and closed the blinds.  Next problem, his crap was still in the  house, so while he pounded  on the window to beg me to let him in, I threw his trash out the front door, shut the lights off and went to bed. Lesson to any man who thinks they can outsmart me, I am the Queen.  I have earned that title.