Finally, the final rehearsal...

The last couple of weeks that Bill was alive, I'd see  him look off in the distance, especially toward a door way, as if he was looking at someone. His mother died when he was a young man, in his early twenties.  I would ask him often if he saw her and he'd just shake his head ever so slightly to say, "Yes."

It was the first of February and he was still in the hospital.  We were scheduled to be married that Saturday and we still had to apply for our marriage license.  He had to be there with me to apply and I could not get the doctors to agree to discharging him. They finally agreed  to on Friday, February 4, but only if he would allow Hospice to be a part of his discharge plan.

When he was originally admitted, he had been in the bed closest to the door, the bed near the window had been occupied.  When that patient was discharged, Bill wasted no time requesting the bed near the window. The morning he was discharged, he had a new room mate.  The nurse came in to give us the final instructions and handed him his clothes from the closet.  Bill went to put them  on and they fell off of him.  He sat on the bed in his hospital gown looking out the window when I came into get  him, "What's up Buttercup, ready to spring this joint and get a license so we can get married tomorrow?"

He looked at me puzzled, "I don't have any clothes that fit me."  He wanted to show me how big his jeans were so he started to undress.  I couldn't believe how large they were! Not large because of the weight he lost, but large because they belonged to someone else! When they switched beds, they didn't switch the closets that corresponded with the bed.  He was putting on his room mates jeans!  He was so relieved as he had thought he lost more weight.

He was loaded down with gear.  He had an oxygen tank, he had a morphine pump and he was hooked up to everything!  We drove up to Noblesville to get our license, we didn't have a lot of time to spare. I couldn't find a parking space near the courthouse, so we had to walk a block to get there and he was tired.  He'd been in the hospital for over a week and he hadn't been up and about much during that time.

As we entered the courthouse, you had to go through a security scan similar to those you find in airports.  Bill was trying to take all of his gear off to put on the scanner.  Thank God, the security guards just let him through. As we walked in to the office to apply for our license, he had to sit down, he was winded.  I walked up to the counter to inquire about what was needed to secure a license. We were planning on getting married tomorrow.   The woman never looked up, she just said, "If you want a license, he's going to have stand up here with you."

I was at the end of my thread.  I was tired and I was running against the clock.  I pointed out to her that he could not stand at her counter, if she hadn't noticed.  She looked up and saw him slumped on the bench, leaning on his oxygen tank, holding his morphine pump, tubes coming out of his nose, needles taped to his wrist.  She didn't hesitate one moment, she scurried to the swinging gate opening it for us to enter, "This way please." She led us to the office where we needed to be and left.

I prayed to God that he'd be able to answer the questions they were going to ask us. It was then that I discovered the money I had given him to pay his mortgage, had been used to finalize his divorce.  He answered every question. He knew the dates he was married and the dates he had been divorced.  The clerk had one more question before she stamped our paperwork, "Are either of you under the influence of drugs or alcohol?"

His morphine pump laid on her desk.  He didn't look healthy, his eyes were sunken in, his skin a yellowish color with bruises from all the needle pokes. We both looked at the pump and then at each other, she was waiting for a response, "I'll take that as a no." And we heard the stamp slamming against the paper, we were ready to get married the next day.

I took Bill to get his haircut.  I wanted him to feel special on our day.  Afterwards we headed home, he was beat and he went to bed.  I stayed up and got my things  around for the next day.  We were finally going to see  our dream come true.

February in Indiana is generally cold and gloomy. Someone was watching over us that day. Not a cloud in the sky, sunny and in the high sixties.  Just a beautiful day.  We were getting married at four in the afternoon.  His  relatives had pooled money together to get us a room at the Walden Inn in Greencastle.  It was close to an hour drive for us one way.  Bill woke up first, "Do you know what today is?"

Of course I knew! "It's Saturday!"  I laughed, I knew that was not the answer he was looking for.

"We are getting married today!" He got up and took a shower,  afterwards standing at the vanity shaving.  I stood in the doorway watching him. He was so determined to get ready himself and yet so weak.  As you face the end of someone's life, you don't realize that at times, you will witness the "last time" they do some thing. Whether it is driving a car, cooking a meal, being able to walk a short distance, taking a shower or even using the bathroom. I knew that would be the last time I saw Bill shower and shave by himself.  I just took it in. So many times before, I would sit on the vanity and talk to him while he shaved. Or he'd come home from work, wanting to get the "gunk" off of him and sit in a hot bath, while I sat on the floor just  talking.  He got dressed and we headed out.  Neither of us knew what anything was going to look like, every one else had taken care of every fine detail.

On our drive there, out of the blue he said, "After today, this is it."  I looked at him some what surprised.  I knew what he was referring to, but I didn't want to hear it.

A little Toast before the Wedding

"Yeah, you aren't the first husband who has given up after we exchanged vows, thought you'd at least hang in there a little longer."  I reached for his hand and gave him a smile.

"No, I mean I'm done fighting.  I'm too tired.  I wanted to make it to today." And he turned to look out the passenger side window.  I just couldn't bear to hear it.

"It's such a beautiful day, isn't it?  I bet your Mom ordered it up just special for us."

"Yes, I think she did."  And the rest of the drive was quiet.  Neither of us wanted to admit what the future held for us.  I had not been in the office for close to two weeks. They had allowed me to stay home and care for Bill with full pay.  I am so grateful for the people who had just hired me, to allow me to stay home.  My boss at the time, retired a couple years ago and I once again wrote to thank him for his kindness.  He said he always wondered how I made it through that year, with the loss of my husband and opening the office.  He told me I was a strong woman.  Perhaps on the outside, but inside, I hid a lot of emotions.

We arrived at Anita's.  Bill's tux had been delivered .  They had brought two sizes just in case he had lost more weight.  I took off for the church that was just up the road.  My cousin Jackie and her  husband Mike were there.  Jackie helped me get ready.  My girlfriend, Patty was there as well.  And all of Bill's family were there, his dad, stepmother, siblings, nephews, everyone came out to celebrate with us.

Bill & His Girls

I had told the minister a few days earlier that we did not need a rehearsal.  Bill and I had practiced this a few times in our lives already.  I made sure there was a chair at the alter in the event he was too tired.  His brother, Ned was going to give me away.  His daughters would stand up with us.  His grand nephew would be our ring bearer.  Every one pitched in to make this day special.  I walked around to see every thing.  Most brides have had a hand in the preparations, so nothing is a surprise, but I had no idea what to expect and it was just perfect.

Bill was getting dressed at Anita's.  Ned told me later he just loved his tux that I had picked out.  It was about time to begin.  I hadn't seen him in two hours and I hoped he was strong enough to make it through the next couple of hours. The moment had arrived, it was show time.