Measuring Yourself Up and Down

Creating your profile on line is the simplest test you will ever have to take because you know all the answers.  Your first challenge is to come up with a creative user name to catch the eye of your Venus or Mars.  Who ever you are seeking. If you have chosen this path to find your mate, you have basically  decided to stay at home on a Saturday night in your  over sized sweatpants and hoodie, sporting your Pebbles ponytail and your Virgin Pink Pantie cocktail closely at hand as you prepare yourself for a night of man browsing.  No wasting your time squeezing into that spandex mini skirt and the push up bra.  Why bother with the make-up?  We know from looking at Oprah what a transformation that creates! No need to go out and spend money on cover charges and drinks just to have someone come up and lay his "works every time" charm on you.  You know, their pick up line.

They  can be subtle, "Hey Angel, do you  believe in love at first sight, or  should I  walk by again?" or they can be crude, "Hey baby, do you work at Subway, cause you just gave me a foot long" Regardless, you have to deal with it. So, staying at home and browsing men can be entertaining without the hours or prep time. Really, when you think about it, after midnight and several drinks, everyone starts to look the same in a dark, smokey room. You are looking for quality.  Write the profile

So, you have to come up with a user name, a moniker that sets you apart.  Women tend to use cutesy little versions of their own name, but some, they put it out there, FoxyMoxyLoveBug or MustLOVECows..now that opens up a  whole new blog there.  Men, they are just men, TroutBumm, BigRigDaddy45342 and BubbaGump12 cause there are 11 other Bubba's ahead of you. So this takes some time or as noted above, none at all.

So, you have selected your user name.  Your pick up line to snagged your next Love Bug. The next part is very easy, but for some reason so many fail this section.  Really people, this is not a test that you should fail.  Your age, hair and eye color, pretty easy, wouldn't you say?

Do you have or want kids? They aren't asking you how many baby mommas you got out there.  Do you have pets? Do you smoke or drink?  Now this can be tricky because it is multiple choice. Do you drink socially, not at all or regularly.  Same with smoking, but this can stump some of the brightest people.  I met some one who didn't smoke and drank occasionally.  We decided to meet at a bar downtown for dinner.  He was there when I walked in and on the bar was a cup of coffee, a pack of cigarettes and a glass of wine.  Hmm.  One has to tilt their head at this and wonder, did I misunderstand? I, of course mentioned this to him and he explained he only smokes when he drinks and as the night progressed, he drank like a fish.  Wasn't pulling that one out of the pond that is for sure.

The other two categories that are very basic and actually considered no brainers, your height and body type. Again, the height category requires you to click and drag the cursor to your height and I can see where maybe your hand slipped and you accidentally hit 6'0 and you are 5'11, but I have a hard time accepting  your 5'7 is the new 6'1.  Yes, I have meet more men who have confused the yard stick for the ruler.  I have taken to wearing flats as I do not like to tower over men, unless he is my boss and again...for another  blog.

Now they know they are not 6'1 and they have to know I know they are not 6'1 when they stand next to  me and at 5'8 I am looking at the part in their toupee! But they don't say a word. Or they say, "So what do you think?"  About what? That you left your heels in the car, Nancy?  How do you respond to that when you just introduced yourself face to face?

Body type. Not weight. The selection in this category does not leave one to ponder, "Oh, I just don't know, my friends call me Slim, but Momma calls me her little butter ball, I think I'll pick Athletic and toned."  O M G! Here are your choices, Slim, Average, A few extra pounds, Stocky, Big and Beautiful, Curvy, Heavy, Full Figured and Athletic and Toned. Have you heard the percentage of Americans who are overweight?  I'm just saying none of these slightly obese, obese, a little meat on the bone people must be looking for love in all the wrong places because everyone on these dating sites are Athletic and Toned.

So, I've come to realize, I must ask, which Athlete do you resemble, Couch Potato Pete, Refrigerator Perry, Joe Montana, Shaq or David Beckham. Cause if  you are David Beckham, honey you can drop your Fruit of the Loom right next to my night stand and I won't bitch that I have to pick them up the next morning.

So just getting the basics completed, simple questions about you, are difficult for the average Joe bear to answer. And women are no better than men, but I'm not fishing for tuna, I'm trolling for Trout, found me a Troutbumm tonight, wonder if he's a keeper?