Homer, I'm NOT your Barbie

Let's revisit creating your masterpiece on finding love in all the wrong places. This Romeo just recently joined and apparently thought my profile was worth "favoring."  It tends to pique my interest when someone "favors" me and has not thrown his hat in the ring.  Why put someone in your favorites if, oh, I don't know, you haven't at least winked to see if they may have an interest as well?  Do you favorite someone so you can secretly .slather some mayo on the knuckle sandwich as you ogle their photos on a cold winter night? I'm just at a loss for this "save as your favorite" icon on the love board I would think one would use it as a "tote board" to keep those that she is pondering about and having discussion with, but men are a whole other creature.

Oh no, here comes Curb Side, again.  Curb Side is a computer geek and works for a fairly well known prescription and diagnostic company on the North side of Indianapolis.  Curb Side is the epitome of the  career dater.  He has spread sheets of the women he has spoken to, with, met, dated, God knows maybe even docked his dingy in their port, I don't want to know! But as I've said, this is a career for some and a task for others.

So let's go back to Romeo who favorites me.  Romeo is 57 and divorced with three children who do not live with him.  Remember, your profile is your opportunity to sell yourself as the catch of the day and be reeled in by the fresh looking mermaid (if you are a man seeking a woman)

Romeo's profile was a bit rough around the edges.  He had a demand of his must haves and a list of his, "don't bother even replying if you are, do or have" any  of the following.  This list far outweighed his desires to find.  Now, excuse me if I felt compelled to play with this fish, it was an easy catch and release!

Since we "chatted" on line he has changed his profile and although it is a little better, his above average intelligence needs to be honed just a bit more, as you see he would not be a fish any one would want as he'd be floating belly up after the first woman bit his head off and threw him back for being what he clearly admitted to me he was, "an ass!"

Just to give you a taste, he posted a picture of a much younger man with a full thick head of brown wavy hair.  At 57, unless you are maintaining your crop of locks, you will find a hint of gray some where among the others in that mop head.  As well, there is a distinguished look in an older man that show cases his life experiences, be it some fine lines around his eyes or mouth. It frames his whole being as you can look at his face and see his journey in life from a young boy to a mature, loving man, or ass in this case.

Romeo starts his masterpiece with, "I like who I am."  Well, good for you, because after this teaser of a first line, no one else is going to find  you remotely attractive. Second sentence he admits he" is not good at this."  Thanks for the warning, I'll stop reading right now. And his third sentence is "he hates dating,"  What the hell?  You have joined a "dating site" and you hate dating?  Pretty intelligent so far.

He goes on to say that most think he is "outgoing and in his younger days looked like George Clooney."  Remember my post, after several drinks and a smoke filled, dimly lit room, perhaps we all look like George Clooney and his model of the month hip trophy.

His next sentence, is new.  He updated his masterpiece within the last several days.  I may have contributed to this, but I'm betting the piranha were nipping his nuts if they read even a smidgen of his original post.

This is his update excerpt.  Trust me, it is a vast improvement off the original but still, needs a little polish.

 I want a very bright, attractive, highly educated woman. someone with some very deep character, that might want to go on a dig in Egypt or cruse the Nile ( maybe after they finish their revolt). Someone with brains, class, a pearl necklace, an attitude, and my all means maybe writing a book.

After a bit, he goes on to write:

I enjoy the mornings---hate staying up past 10:00 pm; I like to run, and I have my shirts all ironed. I attend my church regularly; my parents are both gone; I work very long hours. I am no longer a fanatic about the lawn, my kids all live very far away. I have three terrific grandchildren. 
I would fit into a movie from the 40s. 
I am not a fan of: poor grammar or tobacco products, poorly educated people, those with low self esteem issues.

Oh, how I wished I had saved the original post.  It was such a classic, but here is more and remember this  is the "polished" version. This is under the caption, What I am looking for:

A very type A person. An extremely driven, well dressed, and educated person. I prefer if you are from a Chicago or Cleveland type area.
My photo is outdated, but I have found that most lie, so take my photo, add some weight, definitely some age, grey hair---oh, I have hair by the way---lots of hair on my head---few lines around the eyes, suit, tie, and maybe a little George Clooney and that is my look. I expect you to lie a little, well a lot actually. You can lie all you want, but please do not smoke, have a gut hanging over your belt, like country music, and talk about your ex. No man wants to hear about your divorce....I would rather hear about your kids and your day not that of your ex-husband. Have a good wit, you will need to have been more places than Indy, and you probably like going to the museums in Chicago, and shop at Watertower---as long as it is your money and not mine.
You will be socially correct, and not wear hip-hop clothes. You will need to want to go with me to the Indianapolis dog show---it is coming up....yes, you will have to act somewhat interested. I do like to eat out, but I find the service in Indy to be pretty poor. I do not care what you drive; I just learned what kind of car I had myself recently. 

Socially correct?  Yes, you read that right. Spoken like the well educated, hard working male from the NINETEEN FORTIES!  Hell-o Homer!  Are you insane?  First you desire a woman who is well educated.  His first draft clearly stated if you did not go to college, move on.  If you did not know proper grammar, move on,  I am no English Major, but this nut job can't even write a full sentence and use your basic template of paragraph, subject, paragraph, subject. But it gets better.  I know, hard to believe you could trump this masterpiece.

I'd just like to add...

I have two hunting dogs. I am very proud of my heritage of education.
I am not a cat person--they are OK, but not in my space. I enjoy kids, well maybe not two of mine, but most kids like me also. I have taught college for many years plus my other career, and I did teach public school for a few years.
As I stated above, I am not good at dating. I give a lot of complements--that is who I am. I hate confrontation---usually run from it. I took care of both of parents before their death, my dad somewhat in college, and my mother most recently. I wish I could talk to both of them right now.
I am the youngest, and very engaging in conversation, but this dating thing is not pleasant. I really want to marry a very good best friend. I am very awkward socially on this level, always was. I have a lot of friends, but few very close. I have difficulty saying "No." Currently, I actually work my full time profession in finance and also teach college courses. I work a lot of hours. I cook a good roast, and I have found that cooking in is pretty good for not gaining weight...I work out at Bang Fitness, and yes I probably need to loose a good ten to twenty pounds....most say I do not, but for me, I think so. 

You see, this bone head, who is highly educated and God forbid has taught both college and in public schools does not know where the spell check button is.  For he has informed us he gives "a lot of complements."  Hey Word Wizard, I believe this high school graduate knows a COMPLIMENT when she sees one!  

Now again, I am skeptical of people but I am also pretty astute when it comes to reading between the lines. This is my condensed version of Romeo.  Perhaps I  should send it to him?

My name is Ass Wipe.  I have two dogs that love me as no one else will. I had to take care of my father while attending college as he was a dead beat and while I strive to not be like him financially, I find my character leans heavily to the paternal gene pool.  If you are a female from the 1920's, similar to June Cleaver, I am interested in your beaver.  I am  not into dating, I just am looking for a female figure who is suitable for my space.  You see, you can't have any space because it is all about me.  You must be very well educated, dress as though you have stepped out of Vogue and speak only when spoken to.  In my space, you are required to engage in lying to please me, but I adhere to my strict standards of no smoking, hip hop clothes, or social inadequacies.  No need to worry your little bubble head I have those covered, especially the social inadequacies.  You will be blessed that I work a lot of hours so you will only have to tolerate my behavior once I arrive at home until 10:00 PM as I am not a firm believer of burning the midnight oil. But you will be required to have a finely cooked roast on the table when I arrive home, be dressed as though you have just stepped out of a showcase window, but remember, those clothes will be on your dime as I expect you to be independent with a mind of your own, that I control.  I expect to be bombarded with requests for my presence in your space, but remember, once I am in your space, it is now my space and you will adjust to my much lofty requirements.  I do so look forward to meeting my dream doll Barbie.  

Romeo, I wish you the best of luck, but if you paid for a membership, I'm betting you should have bought a bag of dog food for those mutts you have in your space.  Good Luck with your search Homer, this Barbie has a Troutbumm that she needs to snag before he gets away and you are all that is left in the sea of love.