I'll Just Have A Salad, Please...

Fat Tuesday. Is this day any different than Fluffy Friday, Thick Thursday, Wide Wednesday, or Stout Saturday? Do we get to celebrate this day as a  day dedicated to those of us that are fuller figured? No. This is the day that refers to the last night of eating  richer, fatty foods before the ritual of fasting of the Lenten season. This celebration falls every year on the calendar in February, but honestly, I have celebrated my Fat Tuesday many times the night before I start my season of Lent, which I refer to as "Die It" and I'm not talking about  my bouffant!  Known to most as a diet, this is a ritual of refraining from the foods that tipped the scales and threw you into Fat Tuesday!

I believe I have been on a diet most of my life.  Then I fall off the fruit and vegetable wagon and land right in the carbohydrate cart!  I have always been a picky eater so dieting is difficult for me.  I am a meat and potato girl.  Don't load my plate with vegetables when there is room for more potatoes! Which is another bone of contention for me. It is not that I dislike vegetables, apparently I don't like the right vegetables.  I love potatoes, corn and peas. In my book, those are vegetables, in most diets, those are not.

I am not a salad girl. My salad, when forced to eat one is very simple, lettuce, maybe some carrots, cucumbers and absolutely NO salad dressing! If I had to pick a salad dressing, I'd select Chili, that is my favorite! But I find it to be an absolute waste to order salads.

I just love these women who are in restaurants and while their man orders a half a slab of corn fed bovine, she coyly batters her eye lashes and quietly orders the "salad bar." Have you seen these salad concoctions erected at the salad bar? You stand in a line to eat salad? Not this full figured Queen! I chuckle every time I approach one of these "all you can eat" pastures.

In case you've not seen one, they resemble a green house without sides, high voltage bulbs beaming down on the smorgasbord.  Due to their popularity, they are built similar to a trough, allowing two feeding lines to move swiftly through the green pastures.  You begin your journey at the salad bar as a piglet and by the time you have waddled through the thirty  feet of vegetarian heaven, the salad bar czar slaps a USDA choice sticker on you and claims you to be their best Sow in the food court.

I have come to the conclusion men designed the salad bar for women.  You see, your journey through this potpourri of mixed greens begins with the salad plate. This white disc is roughly eight inches in diameter and your challenge is to  stroll through this hodgepodge of produce and create your salad.

My journey through this medley of greens is very simple, a little lettuce, a smidgen of grated carrots for color, two or three cucumbers slices, a splash of cheese and I'm done with room left on my plate for that lovely little tea cake! Don't forget your pat of butter.

But for others, not so easy.  You take your little white disc and you carefully place your lettuce leaf in the center of your plate.  Then the challenge begins, mundane toppings of cucumbers, carrots, mushrooms, grated cheese, but wait, you still have room.  You move down to the premium coverings, bamboo shoots, grape tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, red, green, yellow, banana and  chili peppers, bean sprouts, broccoli, bacon bits, hard boiled eggs, (for the breakfast lover in you) peas, diced ham,  onions ( for those of  you not on a date), baby corn, croutons, tofu, and for those who are just a little off, craisins!  Your plate is getting a little top heavy, so you start building your calorie free creation closer to the edge of your white disc.

Where are you going to put your pudding,  peaches, your twelve choices of pasta salads?  You still have to grab your teaspoon of soup and your saltine crackers.  You did pay $29.95 for this all you can eat smorgasbord, so you are getting your money's worth! You have a game plan,  better pile it all on your plate now because heaven forbid, should you return and they are out of craisins, well, you would  just go crrrazy!

As you approach the goal line, you have the biggest decision to  make, that's right, the dressing!  You have an array of eligible men waiting for you to select them, Russian, Caesar, French, Italian and Ranch for the cow girl in you.  But wait, do you want chunky, zesty, bold, light, fat free or robust? But then again, you have Thousand Island, Blue Cheese, Vinegar and Oil, but then do you want Olive Oil, Balsamic, Red Wine, Mediterranean, perhaps a Vinaigrette, but have you tried the  new spritzers? So many decisions and there you stand, balancing your white disc like a finally trained garcon, while you ask the server, "Can I have that dressing on the side? I'm watching my weight."