Looking for Love - Internet Style

After my second divorce, the dating world had changed drastically.  One, I was slightly over 40.  Two, I am not a drinker, so dressing sexy and sipping my Kool-Aid colored virgin Pink Panty while attempting to find love with Mr. Goodbar, was not an option.

At the time I was living in Alpharetta, Georgia.  I had left the insurance industry as I was now living the dream, as my former husband used to remind me, of a stay at home executive's wife. When Chappy    ( a name his mother called him) decided to invite a woman to the marriage who was not at the alter on 9/11/92, life took a tremendous left turn from the right lane for me.

He presented his unhappiness and discontent on my 40th birthday.  He was dazed and confused.  I knew what that meant.  He didn't have to break out his crayolas for me to see that he was coloring outside the lines of marriage.  So our story book romance came to a screeching halt.  Chappy had never been married before.  I had.  I had walked away from marriage number one with the clothes on my back and never looked back.  Just started all over again.

Chappy, through his rose colored glasses didn't understand that I was not starting over again at 40.  So we went our separate ways and I had to make some decisions.  One, where was I going to live and two, where was I going to find a job in 2001!

After quite some time, I moved back to Indiana.  We had lived here prior to our move to Chicago and Atlanta.  I liked Indiana. I was fortunate to find employment.  I had been out of the insurance world for three years and even though I had over twenty years of experience, getting back in the door was no cake walk.

But now that I had settled in, I thought about "dating." My prior dating pool had been limited to men I worked with or encountered through work.  That apparently was not working for me, so my search had to expand.  I turned to the Internet and signed up on Match.com.

For those of you who hit the jackpot on your first adventure out, in the arms of  a blissful union,  I admire you.  I admire you for sticking through the thick and thin,.  For those of you who struck out, you might be able to relate.

Your first challenge when you sign up for this on line looking for love  in all the wrong places, is to write a profile.  This profile must sell yourself as the catch of the day! You have been thrown back in the sea of love and there are some piranha out there that will  eat you up and serve you as communion on Sunday.

Now, if you are so shallow to think that a well written profile is going to bring Tom Selleck a knocking at your door, you are mistaken. Men are visual creatures.  You have to post pictures and pictures that are going to grab his attention to read the profile you have spent weeks writing and editing.  You want him to read  your profile and see your heart and soul.  He wants to look at pictures and hit the "wink" button hoping he strikes gold!

He doesn't care that you have taken the time to write that you are looking for a single male, ages 40-50, over 6 feet tall with dark hair and a full set of teeth. He's what you are looking for! Sixty Five, athletic build ( picture Refrigerator Perry), bad toupee and a grill that you could use to apply your lipstick as the gold glistens when the light hits it.  Now don't get me wrong, some women are attracted to that.  I am not.

Now, as a woman searching profiles for some one of interest, I have discovered several things.  One, if these men who write profiles of romance, candle light dinners, sipping wine in front of a roaring fire on a cold winter night while cuddling with their woman exist, they wouldn't be searching for love in all the wrong places, they'd be drunk, overheated and in the arms of their love machine. Again, just an observation.

I have been married.  I understand the dust settles and the machine needs to be oiled on a regular basis.  I understand bed head is not a look you encountered until you were married.  Men minded their manners and farts and belches were parked at the curb on your date.  After marriage, he grabbed them at the curb and walked tall and proud in with all of his baggage.  And to his surprise,  the marital home was already filled with your own designer baggage complete with matching tags and protective covers. So I understand marriage is a constant movement of change and compromise.

But getting back to the perfect profile.  Men post pictures of their sports cars, their speed boats, their Harley  motorcycles and their children/grandchildren. //Some, like Curb Side poise specifically for their perfect profile picture.  Standing erect, chin up to eliminate any hint of the aging process, sport coat on and sport coat slung over his shoulder.  Another favorite, gotta have your shades on because nothing is more sexy than a man in cheap sunglasses or so ZZ Top sings.

Another  favorite is the self portrait in the mirror, shirtless.  Could you not ask a friend to snap this Kodak moment to share with the world? Really? Have some class here fella's at least make us believe this was not a "Get er done" moment so that you could post your profile and start reeling in the tuna!

Women, I have to say, I have scanned your profiles to see what you post.  I have to know my competition and I have to admit, the extremes live in both sexes.  In women you have Holy Mary, mother of six, volunteering while baking cookies for the PTA meeting to Harley Mary,  Motorcycle momma, tatted up like a war Veteran sporting a floss bikini promising you a good time, Charlie!

My all time favorite is the one picture profile that clearly states, "If you want to know more, message me,"  Now that reeks of confidence. But enough for tonight, I could write about this topic forever.  Next time, we  will discuss the finer points of writing that masterpiece profile to lure your mate into your love net.