Because You Loved Me

I am on the cusp of a weekend that I have such mixed emotions about.  Eight years ago this Sunday, my sweet William lost his fight to pancreatic cancer.  We had just gotten married five days prior and the week between our union and his passing is bittersweet.  My week of blogs have been filled with humor as I have shared with you experiences in my life.  But today, in honor of my Bill, I wish to share with you a part of our story.  It is a large part of who I am and a small part of me passed with him February 10, 2005.

Have you ever seen a  movie where two peoples lives through out the years continually cross but they are unaware of each other? You see them in the same city, walking down the same street, brushing by one another as they enter or exit a doorway.  That is the story of Bill and Cindy Marie.

We met online in 2003.  We both had been married twice before.  Bill managed restaurants and I managed insurance claim offices.  Bill was from Indiana.  I was from Michigan.  In the mid to late 80's I worked for a company that had offices in Southfield, Michigan.  I would spend weeks there training staff and I ate often at a restaurant that I later learned Bill worked at during the same time roughly.

I moved to the Chicago area in the late 1990's and again, Bill lived in the Chicago area roughly the same time.  Our paths were near or our paths crossed and yet, we never knew each other until we both came back to Indiana.  I was moving back here from Alpharetta, Georgia after a divorce and Bill was moving back home from Chicago, after his divorce.   It was destined to happen and I firmly believe a greater power was working to unite us.

We had both signed on to several different sites, looking for love in all the wrong places, and around September 2003 our profiles kept popping up in that "daily pick."  Odd as it is, we both hit that wink button the same day, September 8, 2003.  It must have been simultaneously as I recall the response was rather rapid.

We chatted on line briefly and decided to meet for dinner at Outbank Steakhouse on September 27, 2003.  Prior to our face to face meeting I felt like I knew this man.  And when we met, it was felt by him as well.  We just clicked.  I never believed in soul mates, but I was looking at mine.  We finished each other's sentences, like old married couple's do.  Our tastes in every thing was almost identical.  When we first visited each other's homes it was interesting that we had the same color scheme.  Many of the same items and a love for kitchen gadgets!

Our work schedules did not coincide. I had weekends off and Bill's weekends were Tuesday and Wednesday, but it worked out just perfect for us.  The second weekend after we met, Bill invited me over for dinner.  It was his weekend off and he had planned the whole weekend for us.  It was my first time to his home and he had set the table and had this beautiful centerpiece of yellow fresh cut flowers of all kinds. He had prepared dinner, steak, salad, green beans and au gratin potatoes.  For those of you who know me, you would know that I would look at this meal and only eat the steak, but Bill had prepared this for me and I ate it all and loved it.  He also had made some type of bread and had brie cheese, again, not my cup of tea, but he had gone out of his way to make this  special for me and I loved it!

The next morning we had a road trip to Nashville, Indiana, Brown County.  He had polished up the Mustang convertible and away we went.  We walked all over the quaint town and through all the shops and were so surprised that we had such similar taste in everything.  We took a trip to Bloomfield, Indiana and headed back home.  He made cookies for me ( I LOVE cookies) and a homemade pizza as we watched the movie Chicago.

The next morning he was up and knowing I loved reading the Sunday paper, he had gone out and bought one before I rose.  I smelled bacon.  What a wonderful smell to wake up to  and he had my morning paper, homemade cinnamon rolls and bacon ready for me.  We spent the day looking at photo albums and sharing our life stories.  From the day we met, to the day  he died, we were never apart.

We were two peas in a pod.  Just seeing each other lit up our faces with love.  I have never experienced this ever before. We healed each other.  I had reached a point in life where I had been so crushed by the behavior of men that I never thought I would ever love again and he had been so shattered and used by women, that he too, had doubted he would  find love again.

In November 2004, I had to put my dog Precious down.  She deserves a blog all to herself, but as we were in the vet's office preparing to give her peace, I was a mess.  Precious had been my rock for almost 10 years.  Bill was there beside me and he reassured me that Precious would be OK.  I needed to look at it that because of her, I came back to Indiana and met him and while she had cared for me all of those years, he was here to love me now.  Geesh, if the waterworks weren't already gushing, they were now.

We were on top of the world, but in Bill's world, unbeknownst to me, things were slowly crumbling.  His divorce was not fully final and he was robbing Peter to pay Paul to rid himself of this mistake.  He was a very  proud man and while I sensed some thing was perhaps not right, when ever I would bring it up, he'd get very quite.  The news of his problem surfaced one day when we had returned from the Ozarks.  Bill had traveled with me on a business trip and we had such a memorable time. We were in love and we were so very happy with one another.

I had dropped Bill off and headed to my house when he called to inform me his car had been repossessed.  I had sensed there was something amiss prior to this, but again, Bill was so very proud. It was much later that I discovered, he had thought women only found him attractive for what he could give them, not for him alone.  I returned to his house and he was so distraught.  He had to come clean with me and he told me he would not be surprised if I walked out the door and never looked back. In fact he encouraged me to do so.

I guess he had forgotten our conversation.  What I desired the  most in a relationship was someone who didn't give up when the cookie crumbled.  They helped you pick up the pieces and put it together, to share and enjoy whole again.  Please do not  think I am boasting, but this was our story, it was what made us who we were.  I had come out of a divorce from a man who didn't have his own furniture when we met to making well into six figures when we divorced.

Money has never been my motivator in love.  My first husband apparently had money, but I left him with less than I walked in the door with and never hired an attorney to fight for what was "rightfully mine."  What was rightfully mine, was my sanity and my life, to be lived as I chose to live it.  When Chappy and I divorced, I had made it clear before the wedding that if he ever chose to color  outside the lines, I would have the brand new box of 64 Crayola crayons and he'd be left with the stubs from our marriage.  I guess he didn't believe me and I had a very large settlement tucked away from that marriage.

Because of this, I could buy Bill a car.  I was fortunate to be working for a company that would sell company cars reasonably cheap when they had 50,000 miles on them and so I told him the colors available and we drove home his new white Grand Prix within a few days.  I never knew how much that meant to him, it is just who I am.  My heart is some times much bigger than it should be, but he realized that I was different from the others.

We had talked about marriage, but we both agreed to give it one year, work through the honeymoon phase and if we still felt the same way, we'd get married.  We were closing in on a year and we started talking about our future when Bill thought he had the flu.

When you are blessed with hindsight, you can see so much more.  Within weeks of meeting Bill, I had noticed that he had this consistent cough, clearing of the throat and I had asked  him about it.  He wrote it off to dry air.  I had not known him that long to know any different.

Throughout that year, other things happened and I would question it, but he always wrote it off.  His back bothered him, but he worked long hours and he claims to have injured his back in a fall years ago, so he  wrote it off.  He was a runner and he was my "David Beckham." But I noticed that there were times that his stomach would appear a bit bloated and again, he wrote it off.

He made a doctor's appointment and had not told me about it.  But he continued to not feel well and said he thought he had the flu.  One evening he called from the hospital that had opened that day!  He left a message, "don't worry, I'm in the ER, just not feeling well, will call  you later."  That was December 10, 2004.  I will never forget that day.

He told me  he had been to the doctor and he was waiting for "test results."  It had been weeks and I didn't understand what was taking so  long.  He told me  not to worry.  By Christmas he was just not himself and he had moved into my house.   We were so very  happy, but he was not my Bill.

The New Year was going to bring us such great changes.  I was starting a new job on January 3.  I was flying to Minnesota to train for a week. We woke up New Year's Eve and we decided to go to the ER and have this flu taken care of NOW.

Bill and I spent the whole day and all night in the ER.  He was admitted. I left for Minnesota the evening of January 2.  Bill was transferred to another hospital for surgery while I was in Minnesota and all he would tell me when I called was that he was fine and waiting for the results.

I work for a wonderful company.  They let me fly home a day early. I was at the airport and called Bill with the good news! I was coming home!  I was so excited about my  new job and I was just jabbering away when I asked him if he had gotten the results back.  He had, no worries.

I flew into Indianapolis late and I had  no idea what hospital Bill was in except he was downtown.  I drove downtown trying to find this hospital.  For those not from Indianapolis, there are many, many very large hospitals all located very close to one another and I was not familiar with them at all.

I could not contain myself.  I was so excited to see him.  This was the longest we had been apart.  I came into the entrance of the hospital and I knew in my heart it was after visiting hours, but I was bound and determined to visit regardless.  I explained my situation to the security guard, he looked up Bill's information and told me to head up to the 8th floor.  S C O R E !  I was going to see him and surprise him, he had no idea I was stopping by on my way home.

When I stepped off the elevator, I noticed the sign, "Oncology Floor."  I don't think it registered at the moment, I was just too excited to see Bill. I walked into his room and he was in the far bed.  Our eyes lit up as we saw each other.  We were just so taken with one another.  I was telling him all about my new job and he was telling me about his "adventure."  I asked if they had gotten the test results back and he said, "Yes. I have pancreatic cancer."

I thought my world had dropped out from underneath me.  How could this be?  He was 48 years old.  He ran mini marathons, he didn't smoke, he drank plenty of water, he watched what he ate, how could this be?  I had lost an Aunt to pancreatic cancer.  I knew it all too well.  The doctors had told him he had 18 months.  He had spoken to his employer and they were putting him on long term disability.  In his words, "our life is about to begin."

I was so devastated.  Yet a part of me inside knew I had to remain calm and strong, for him.  What goes through  your mind when they tell you that you have 18 months to live?  He had two daughters.  He said, "the first thing that I thought of was how I had just found you and now I was going to lose you, will you still marry me?"

If this didn't remind you of a movie like "A Gentleman and An Officer," "Jerry McGuire" you  complete me line or "Pretty Woman," you live under a rock. What could I say?  YES!

Bill was discharged the next day. We had  tickets to go see Jerry Seinfeld. We had such a great time, but in the back of our minds, we knew these days  were numbered.

The next day, we were going to break the news to the family.  Bill's oldest daughter already knew.  She happened to be at the hospital for a signature from Bill for financial papers so she could travel abroad next year for school.  Her Mom refused to sign the papers as she did not want to be responsible, so she came to her Dad.  Neither of his children visited him unless they wanted something. I wish I had a picture of his face when he signed those papers.  He knew. He was three weeks from filing bankruptcy and he knew he would not be here when she was overseas experiencing the college life.

She sensed something was different and she was at the nurse's station demanding answers.  I took her aside and told her the news.  I told her to go see her father and to keep positive in front of him.  So Saturday we got up and we drove to his former wife's  house to tell his youngest daughter.  From there we were driving to Greencastle to inform his siblings.  They knew he had been in the hospital, but he told them every thing was fine.  They all were gathered at his sister's house.  They were expecting us to announce a marriage date.

On the drive out, his sister from Pennsylvania called.  She wanted to know how he was, what was going on, but he just couldn't tell her, so he handed the phone to me and I broke the news.  I don't know how he was able to not fall apart, but he didn't.

I had picked up a brochure in Minnesota.  Do you know they  have a museum dedicated to Spam.  Not Spam like in your email, but the mystery meat, Spam.  Bill came in and told the family  that our next vacation was going to be to Minnesota and we were going to visit the Spam Museum.  Before everyone could pick their jaws up off the floor, he exited to the bathroom, "Cindy will tell you all about it."

I loved that man.  I proceeded to tell them that he had pancreatic cancer and that doctor's had suggested up to 18 months, but we had an appointment with the oncologist on Tuesday.  Just as eyes were flooding and noses were dripping, Bill came sliding across the floor like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, "So, what do you think about the Spam Museum?"  LOVED that man!

We told them we wanted to get married right away.  He was seeing the oncologist on Tuesday and we were expecting him to start treatment.  His family was all for it.  I was and am so blessed to call these people my family.  I don't know what I would have done without each one of them.

I have always wanted to be married in a "little church."  Back home there is a little tiny white church up north of Traverse City that as a small girl I had snapped a photo of  and said if I ever got  married, that was where it was going to be.

Bill's family had ties to a small church in Brick Chapel.  I had never seen it nor been inside of it, but they reserved it for our day.  His family owned a flower shop for years, so his father and brother did all the flowers.  I had no idea what colors were chosen or what flowers were picked.  His sisters shared many talents, one was a baker and made our wedding cake and cookies and one is a superb cook at the local  college there, she planned the meal.  A cousin came to fit Bill for a tux about a week before our wedding.  His brother, Ned, gave me away and his daughters stood as our witnesses.  Everyone pitched in to make this day so very special for us.  It was February 5, 2005 and it was near 60 degrees and sunny outside.  Very uncommon for central Indiana.

We went to the oncologist on Tuesday. The news was not what we expected.  He was in stage four of pancreatic cancer.  You see, we'd been together almost 18 months at this point and that little nagging cough that I had mentioned was probably the start of this disease that took over his body.  He was at the end of his fight, not the beginning.  As the doctor told him there was no treatment options available, you could see my sweet William shut down.  You could witness the hope drain from his face.  It broke my heart and I am sure his was already shattered.

The next four weeks were spent in and out of the hospital.  I was opening a new office for the company that had just hired me and after 10 days on the job, they told me to stay home and take care of "your Bill."  I was off of work for over a month and they paid me my full salary and never pressured me of when I might return,  For the love these people who did not know me shared with me in my time of need, I am forever grateful.  It allowed me to stay at home and care for Bill  twenty four seven.  I wouldn't trade those hours for anything in the world except, to have him here today with me, alive and healthy.

He was getting so thin and so weak as the weeks progressed but we had a goal. We were going to get married.  He was in the hospital the week before our wedding.  We  had to go to the court house to get our marriage license and he HAD to be present.  I was working my magic with the hospital staff to release him as soon as possible on February  4.  We were blessed again!  He was released, oxygen tank, check,  morphine tank, check we were off to get our license!

The whole story of getting our license is rather humorous.  Bill was so weak and we were racing the clock to get to the court house which was over a hour away.  I parked the car, yet we still had to walk close to a block and Bill was really struggling.  We got inside the court house.  Now this is post 9/11 so  there was a lot of security and you had to go through a scanner.  Bill was so confused.  He was trying to take off his oxygen and morphine tanks/tubes.  You had to practically undress to get through this scanner.  I was trying to tell him it wasn't necessary and pleading with the guard to let us go through.  We were getting married tomorrow and we NEEDED to get that license TODAY!

They let us go in.  Bill was exhausted and sat down on the bench.  I approached the desk and explained our circumstances.  The clerk looked up and saw only me.  She looked back down and in a voice that today brings the hair on my neck to attention, said, "If you want a license, he has to come up here and stand with you."

You have no idea how close I came to rearranging this woman's makeup.  I had been through hell and back the past four weeks and I was NOT going to let some county clerk talk to me like I was some drunken Floozy who had dragged her Romeo in off the streets and was praying for a license. OH NO! I leaned across the counter and in the voice that few have experienced, informed this woman of my situation.  She looked over at Bill and was very apologetic.  She scurried to the gate and let us in, ushering us to the office of the woman we needed to see.

Here we sat. Bill hooked up to oxygen and morphine.  I probably looked like I had just spent a week on Survivor's Island.  She explained the process.  She had to ask some questions.  Yeah, yeah, get on with it.  As she asked the questions, I prayed Bill would be able to remember.  When were you previously married, when and where were you  divorced.  O M G, let's get on with this.  But she came to the question just before she handed us the license, "Are either of you under the influence of any drugs or alcohol,"

We both looked at each other and then at the morphine tank laying so clearly in sight of this woman, She looked at the blue package and with out skipping a beat she said, "I will take that as a no." She stamped our license and we were good to go!

Back to the car and home.  Oh what a week, what a month!  We were both excited for the next day.  Bill hadn't been home in over a week.  He had been hospitalized.  We went to bed and the next morning we woke up to the most beautiful day.

He woke up first and he said, "Do you know what today is?'  I rubbed my eyes, yawn, "Oh, I think it is Saturday,"  "NO!, it's the day we are getting married!"

I had taken him the day before to get his haircut after we had gotten our license.  That morning was so  bittersweet as I watched him.  He was so weak, but he took every ounce of energy he had to muster and showered, shaved, got dressed and was ready for our big day.  I watched and some where deep inside I knew this would be the last time I saw him get ready by himself,

We drove to Greencastle and on the way we talked about every thing.  He said that "after today, I'm done,"  I laughed and mentioned that was usually the case, get married and the honeymoon was over.  We chuckled as this was what my first husband had told me within hours after we were married, "the honeymoon is over, you are married now."

But I knew what he meant.  He was tired.  He was tired of fighting.  He fought the battle to get to this day but beyond this day, there were no promises.  I left him at his sister's to get in his tux and I ran up to the church to get dressed.  Everything was perfect.

The church was all decorated with flowers. The Hall was prepped for a luncheon with our wedding cake all ready to  serve.  It was perfect.  Bill's cousin's wife was there to take photographs.  She gave me two sets afterwards.  One of the actual event and one minus the tubes that fed him oxygen and morphine.

The minister had wanted to have a rehearsal the night before.  I told everyone Bill and I had both been married twice before, those were our rehearsal's, we had this down.  There was a chair for him to sit in if he needed to up at the alter.  His brother walked me down the aisle and Bill stood the entire time.  By the time I got to him, our eyes were filled with tears and I leaned over to give him a hug and kiss.  The  minister was kind of quick to separate us and tell us, "not now."  Really.  You have no idea what this man has been through in the last month and for him to stand here tall and waiting for me to join him, well, I'm sorry, but I was going to give him a kiss and whisper in his ear how much I loved him.

The ceremony was  beautiful.  But as we spoke our vows, "in sickness and in health," my eyes could not stay dry.  I knew I was marrying my best friend who at this very moment was "in sickness" and his "in health" was history. I had said these vows before but they hit home that day.

We had a small reception. Bill grew tired.  It was a long day for him.  Several family members had paid for a room nearby.  We headed over there and Bill collapsed he was so tired.  I went down to the restaurant and bought a burger. Came back up to our room and watched a movie as he slept.  Eventually, I went to bed, but very early in the morning his oxygen tank was empty and he was in need.

I was not familiar with Greencastle, I called his sister and told her of the issue.  I had the car packed and was ready to go.  I followed her to the hospital andI went inside with  his portable tank.  I needed this filled.  No can do.  They don't fill them.  We were over an hour from home.  Again, I was going to be forced to not be pretty, but she offered me a temporary tank IF I brought it back TONIGHT!

Again, thank God for family.  My new brother in law followed us home, took the tank back to the hospital and all was well...at Putnam County Hospital.  They had their oxygen tank back.

On the other side of the coin, we were home and we had plenty of oxygen for Bill.  The next five days I never slept.  I talked to Bill non-stop.  He really didn't have any energy to converse, but his eyes spoke volumes to me.  He really couldn't eat much.  Ice chips.  I had taken Sprite and froze it crushing it up for him.  The look in his eyes when he tasted that was priceless.

He died in my arms at 11:21 PM on February 10,  2005.  His family was here but most of them headed home afterwards.  His sister from Pennsylvania stayed with me.  I laid next to him for almost 3.5 hours waiting for them to come pick him up.  As they took him out, I followed him and I stood outside as they drove out of sight.  I had promised him I would stay with him until the bitter end and I was holding my promise.

The next day we made arrangements.  In five days, I was a newly wed and a widow.  I don't know where I found the strength to make it through all of that.  His service was on Valentine's Day.  I had bought him a card and had written a heartfelt letter to him, long before I knew he'd be in a place where we all desire to land some day.  I put his cards in his casket.  The service was interesting to say the least.  I had to remember that death brings out the worse in people and I  had to curb my tongue for a few days.  OK, I kind of curbed it.  Some of  you who may be reading this were there and you know I had to take care of business minutes before the service started, but it was for Bill.

I miss my  Bill.  His ashes are in his favorite cookie jar in my bedroom.  He made my  life shine and he made me want to be a better person with him and for him.  I still wonder where I found the strength to take charge those five long weeks in January and February 2005, but when that strength shows up today, I call it, Bill.  May you rest in peace my sweet, darling husband.   Your love has made an imprint on my heart that no one will ever erase.  I am everything I am today because I was loved by you.